Bradley Cooper Loves Fed, Megatron Can't Walk, & More Jail Time.
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Thursday, July 7, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Hero's Welcome. In his first game back after serving a 52-game suspension for domestic violence (for "allegedly" beating his wife), newly-signed New York Mets infielder José Reyes received a cheerful, warm welcome from Mets fans, so that should tell you all you need to know about Mets fans.
  • Out With The Old, In With The Old. After 13 years and three championships with the Miami Heat, 34-year-old guard Dwyane Wade has signed a 2-year, $47 million deal with the Chicago Bulls, who apparently wanted an old and oft-injured player to replace the old (Pau Gasol) and oft-injured (Derrick Rose) players they lost this offseason. Check out the latest NBA transactions here.
  • Winning Losers. The Detroit Tigers may have blown out the Cleveland Indians 12-2 yesterday, but they're still losers. The win was the Tigers' first against their division rival this year, having lost 11-straight to The Tribe to start the season, thus cementing the Tigers' status as the worst winners of 2016.
  • Worth It. Former receiver Calvin Johnson, who apparently got the hell beat out of him in the NFL, said he "can't walk" when he wakes up in the morning. So is it still worth it to be an NFL player? For $60 million guaranteed... yes, yes it is.
  • Booted. UFC 200 just got a lot less exciting. Jon Jones, who was scheduled to fight Daniel Cormier in the co-main event on Saturday, has been removed from the card for a possible anti-doping violation. That leaves old-ass men Brock Lesnar (38) and Mark Hunt (42) as the lone main event. At least you can watch something else and save money by dodging the Pay-Per-View charge.

The Main Event
Much to the pleasure of Brazilian soccer fans around the world, we can now legally call Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi and his dad fraudulent douchebags.

The pair were sentenced to 21 months in prison for tax fraud by a Barcelona court after being found guilty of using "tax havens in Belize and Uruguay as well as shell companies in the U.K. and Switzerland" to avoid paying taxes on image rights earnings from 2007 to 2009. In addition to their prison sentences, Messi and his dad were fined $2.3 and $1.7 million, respectively. The pair should avoid any actual jail time, however, as prison terms under two years can be served via probation, under the wack-ass Spanish judicial system. It's truly a shame, because given how sharp Messi looked in his stripped Argentina uniform, we're certain he would have pulled off typical inmate garb while playing soccer in the prison yard with a ball made from compacted cigarette butts.

Lionel can likely thank his father, Jorge Messi, for getting him into this messy situation, as Jorge has overseen Lionel's finances since he was a little kid. It remains to be seen if Lionel will emancipate himself from his financially irresponsible father, à la Macaulay Culkin.

Good Sport
Call It A Comeback
After falling behind two sets to none, Swiss tennis star Roger Federer came back to beat Marin Cilic of Croatia to reach the Wimbledon semifinals. The victory was Federer's 307th Grand Slam win (most in history, man or woman) and 84th at Wimbledon (tied with Jimmy Connors for most all-time). We're just sorry no one saw it, Fed, as beautiful celebrity attendees like Irina Shayk, Bradley Cooper, and David Beckham likely stole the show by just being there.

Related: California native, and last remaining U.S. representative, Sam Querrey fell to Milos Raonic, keeping up with this century's tradition of American men shitting the bed at Wimbledon (last win for the States was in 2000, Pete Sampras). Meanwhile, British hometown hero Andy Murray kept England's Wimbledon hopes alive with a win against Frenchman Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, propelling Murray to the semifinals.

Bad Sport
Back To The Slammer
Don't even think about hogging the prison sentence spotlight today, Messi, because Oscar Pistorius wants a piece. The nubby, South African sprint runner was sentenced to six years behind bars for murdering his girlfriend on Valentine's Day in 2013. "Mr. Romantic" had already served 12 months for the slaying on a manslaughter conviction, but his recent murder conviction demanded a harsher punishment.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Like a day without air, we seemingly can't go a day without an athlete assaulting someone. The latest is Seattle Seahawks defensive back Brandon Browner, who allegedly jumped his girlfriend's father-in-law after an argument in Browner's driveway.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of Tom Brady's painfully trite Fourth of July Facebook post, which was accompanied by this uninspired comment: "Haters gonna say it's photoshopped... Happy 4th of July everyone!" Winner gets a pair of Good Old Sport koozies to use as eagle gauntlets for their next double Bald Eagle pose.

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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: France vs. Germany - 2:30pm on ESPN
TENNIS. Wimbledon, Women's semifinals - 8am on ESPN
GOLF. Scottish Open, First-Round Play - 5:30am on Golf Channel; LECOM Health Challenge, First-Round Play - 1:30pm on Golf Channel; U.S. Women's Open, First-Round Play - 3pm on Fox Sports 1
CYCLING. Tour de France, Stage 6 - 8pm on NBC Sports
OLYMPIC TRIALS. U.S. Track and Field - 8pm on NBC Sports
CFL FOOTBALL. Winnipeg at Hamilton - 7pm on ESPN2; Toronto at BC - 10pm on ESPN2
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