The Next "Damn, Daniel," Excuse Card, & Fat Dinger.
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Thursday, May 26, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Freshman. After winning two-straight games against the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Toronto Raptors came crashing down like a freshman on bid night via a 116-78 loss, which is tied for the fifth-biggest ass-whooping in Conference Final history. The Cavs will take a 3-2 series lead into Game 6 on Friday.
  • Fat Dinger. The Texas Rangers’ Nomar Mazara hit the longest home run this season, and the longest in the history of the Rangers' stadium. The shot traveled 491 feet, farther than you'd be willing to walk without ordering an Uber.
  • Here It Is. The first excuse to justify Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors' shitty play in the Western Conference Finals just rolled in; he's not 100% healthy. Kudos to Golden State fans on having this card to pull when the Dubs get wiped from the playoffs.
  • The Next "Damn, Daniel." This video of a kid flipping a water bottle at his high school talent show is going viral for some reason. Although the trick itself is incredibly mediocre, the music is epic and the crowd loses their shit when he pulls it off. At least it required more talent than to just film somebody's shoes. So... see you on Ellen?
  • We Won? Against all odds, the United States men's national soccer team managed not to lose a game, topping Ecuador (the 12th ranked national team in the world) 1-0 in an international friendly.
  • Not As Sad As They Used To Be. Unfortunately, you no longer have not playing in a Stanley Cup Final in common with the San Jose Sharks. The Sharks beat the St. Louis Blues 5-2 last night to advance to their first Final in franchise history, and we can only assume Silicon Valley nerds are celebrating by coming up with all sorts of new jerk off theories to revolutionize the world.

The Main Event
Ah the spelling bee, the pre-pubescent virgin of the sporting world. This year's competition is the 89th edition of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, with a winner to be decided in tonight's final championship rounds. Or not... the last two years have ended in a tie.

The road to the Bee began with 11 million students (age 15 or younger) participating in local spelling bees across the country, with that number eventually being whittled down to 285 contestants. That's a shitload of kids to contend with, but think of the spoils; the first place prize winner receives $40,000. Can you imagine how much that is to a kid? Considering we received a $10 a week allowance (which was more money than we knew how to spend), the first place prize would have given us 77 years worth of allowance money #earlyretirement.

Who are we betting on to win this year? It's hard to say, but based on the names of the last five winners: Gokul Venkatachalam, Vanya Shivashankar, Sriram Hathwar, Ansun Sujoe, and Arvind Mahankali, we'd probably place our money on a kid who looks like Aziz Ansari. Don't look at us like that... as comedian Daniel Tosh once said, "It's not a stereotype if it's always true."

We'll leave you with our favorite Spelling Bee moments, including: this bombed Napoleon Dynamite joke, a podium pass out, and a way-too confident kid screaming, "i know it" before hilariously misspelling a word.

Good Sport
A Great Pretend Team
San Antonio Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard was unanimously selected to the 2015-16 NBA All-Defensive first team, and will be joined by Draymond Green (Warriors), Avery Bradley (Celtics), and DeAndre Jordan and Chris Paul (Clippers). It's a great honor, but as it's not a "team" that plays games or does anything in the literal sense, it's tangibly worthless. In other news: Good Old Sport has made the All-Sarcasm first squad. Our practices are never and we have games on Tuenesdays and Friturdays, Octvember through Junegust.

Honorable Mention: Driver Mark Martin, and four other dudes not named Ricky Bobby were elected to the NASCAR Hall of Fame.

Bad Sport
Apeshit Temper Tantrum
Step aside, Brad Ausmus, we have another baseball manager up for "apeshit temper tantrum" of the year. After disagreeing with a called out at second base, minor league manager Joe Mikulik of the Frisco RoughRiders threw his helmet, aggressively untucked his shirt (we're just as confused as you on this one), slid into second base before picking it up and drop-kicking it across the field, before finally kicking the pitcher's rosin bag and smudging the third base line as he stormed off the field. We have to admit, it was tough categorizing this one as a "bad sport" entry because it was just so damn fun to watch. Check it out.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Holy hell, the Cincinnati Reds just lost their 10th damn game in a row thanks to a 3-1 stinker against the LA Dodgers last night.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of Steven Adams getting kicked in the nads. What was going through Draymond Green's head, or either of Adams' heads? Tell us and you could win a t-shirt and/or kick in the nuts from Good Old Sport. We'll make a game-time decision.

Send your captions to

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 5: Thunder at Warriors - 9pm on TNT (Thunder leads 3-1)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 7: Lightning at Penguins - 8pm on NBC Sports (series tied 3-3)
GOLF. BMW PGA Championship. First-Round Play - 9am on Golf Channel; Champions Tour: Senior PGA Championship, First-Round Play - 1pm on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: Dean & DeLuca Invitational, First-Round Play - 4pm on Golf Channel
WOMEN'S SOFTBALL. Georgia at Florida - 7pm on ESPN2; Louisiana (Lafayette) at Oklahoma - 9pm on ESPN2
SPELLING BEE. 89th Scripps National Spelling Bee, championship rounds - 8pm on ESPN
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