Sir Barfs-A-Lot, Shanghai Knights, & Football Player Facial.
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Monday, October 17, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • 1-1. Clayton Kershaw, the guy who got beat up by a human stick, gave up only two hits over seven scoreless innings, and lead his LA Dodgers to an "exciting" 1-0 win over the Chicago Cubs. The teams will head to LA for the next three games.
  • Really Upset. Hearing the news Ben Roethlisberger tore his meniscus and will require surgery must make all of Steeler Nation a Lawrence Timmons amount of sick.
  • How Are They Not Called The Shanghai Knights? Somebody tell us what DirecTV package we need to watch the China Arena Football League, because that league let's their players have fun and perform elaborate touchdown celebrations. Meanwhile, us Americans are being forced to watch a guy beat a dead horse, in the form of a kicker's net (Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Xzibit.). It was dumb then, and it's asinine now. Stop it already.
  • RIP. Trinity Gay, the daughter of U.S. sprinter Tyson Gay, was shot and killed after two cars exchanged gun fire in Lexington, KY.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Alabama is really good.

WHAT ELSE?
Not as a state, hell no. It's a terrible place. But as a football team, #1 University of Alabama appears to be in-your-face unstoppable. This past week, they annihilated (to put it nicely) #9 Tennessee 49-10, and it wasn't even as close as the score suggests. After racking up 438 rushing yard, you can understand how the game got a little boring for the Crimson Tide, who lost enjoyment in scoring touchdowns.

and others tried to make the rival fans feel better by offering them a high-five after scoring.

All that being said, they did have a close game against #19 Ole Miss (48-43), and should have their toughest matchup yet this week, as they take on #6 Texas A&M, who's fresh off a bye. But seeing as A&M only beat Tennessee by a touchdown in their double overtime game, the transitive property says Alabama should narrowly beat A&M by about 28.

THOUGHTS?
Are we jinxing the Crimson Tide? Maybe. Is that our goal? We won't confirm or deny.

Good Sport
A Lover's Game
With help from his teammates and one of the two British gingers who can steal your girl, Samford University junior linebacker Deion Pierre proposed to his girlfriend while wearing full pads - we're guessing in case she said no, which she didn't.

Bad Sport
The Opposite Of Good
Missouri's offense and special teams played even worse against #18 Florida Gators than their defense did. Quarterback Drew Lock threw back-to-back pick-sixes, and their kickoff team allowed an onside kick to be returned for a touchdown. Those 18 points (not including extra point attempts because we're nice) were four more than the Tigers scored all game. Hey Missouri, this is for you.

G.O.A.T of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
"Shady" McCoy. We've seen the Bills Mafia partake in some pretty gross and stupid tailgating activities, but we gotta say they crushed it on this one (NSFW).

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
The Vancouver Canucks. That collective gasp you heard on Saturday was the entire province of Vancouver really hoping their team is just suffering from beginning of the season rust, after their very first goal the year was an own-goal leading to a face-first crash inside the net. They pulled their shit together and went on to win the game 2-1 over the apparently pathetic Calgary Flames.

Quote of the Weekend
"Next Question." - Cam Newton

Following the Carolina Panthers 38-41 loss to division rival Atlanta Falcons, the human sourpuss appeared to back to his old self, as he moped around before ditching the post-game presser after three questions.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB PLAYOFFS. Game 3: Indians at Blue Jays - 8pm on TBS
NFL. Jets at Cardinals - 8:15pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Liverpool vs. Manchester United - 2:55pm on NBCSN
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