F*ck The Angry Birds Movie, Aybar The Gerber Baby, & Five Knuckle Shuffle.
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Friday, May 20, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Choke Artists, Literally And Figuratively. The Atlanta Braves have lost 11 of their past 14 games, they're 10-30 on the year, and infielder Erick Aybar missed last night's 8-2 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates after being hospitalized for getting a chicken bone caught in his throat. Back to the drawing board for the Braves, and back to Gerber for Aybar.
  • One More Time. The son of a bitch did it again. San Jose Sharks goalie Martin Jones pitched another shut out, giving up no goals for the second game in a row as the Sharks took down the St. Louis Blues 3-0 to grab a 2-1 series lead.
  • Better When He's Drunk. Dutchman Michael van Gerwen has drank way more piss beer at shit dive bars than you, and he can prove it. Yesterday he won the Premier League title for darts. Yes, that's a thing.
  • Unwatchable. The Toronto Raptors have been so unwatchably bad in the Eastern Conference Final that members of their own team can't stand the sight of it. Guard Kyle Lowry walked off the court mid-game to "decompress" after witnessing the Raptors' (and mostly his own) pitiful play. The Cavaliers easily took Game 2 by a score of 108-89, which was their 10th-straight playoff victory.
  • Whoops. You're not as dumb as the Milwaukee Bucks, we promise. They fell for an email scam from someone impersonating team president Peter Feigin, and proceeded to hand over social security numbers and compensation figures for all Bucks players. At least we finally found out who's been taking money off the Nigerian Prince's hands for him.

The Main Event
This Sunday marks the start of the 115th French Open, a men's and women's singles and doubles tennis tournament. It's the second of four Grand Slam events (Australian Open, Wimbledon, US Open), which are considered to be the four most important annual tennis tourneys. So, ya... it's what Joe Biden would call, "a big f*ckin deal."

Spaniard Rafael Nadal will try to become the f*cking man by beating defending singles champion Stan Wawrinka to win his 10th French Open title (Nadal already holds the record for the most with nine), while world No. 1 men's player Novak Djokovic will look to secure another win (won the 2016 Australian Open) to continue his effort to capture an elusive Grand Slam sweep (the French Open was the only Grand Slam event he didn't win last year).

World No. 1 women's player, and 2015 French Open winner, Serena Williams will attempt to defend her title while she looks for her first Grand Slam win of the year. Like Djokovic, Williams won three of four Grand Slam events last year. Unlike Djokovic, she already blew it this year by losing the Australian Open in January.

As with any tennis tournament, our eyes will be on the ball boys (or girls, you PC blowhards). Tennis is great, but nothing beats watching these plucky youngsters eat shit via head hit, nut shot, or heat stroke.

Good Sport
Good Guy Gets Good Gig
Good guy John Cena, who rotates between dealing out beatings in the WWE and dealing out wishes to sick children via the Make-A-Wish foundation, will host ESPN's ESPY Awards on July 13th. Here's hoping he performs his patented Five Knuckle Shuffle on Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith during his monologue.

Bad Sport
Hard Like Martha
Golfer Phil Mickelson pulled a Martha Stewart, as he's been charged with insider trading. While Mickelson avoided criminal charges, and the "hard time" Stewart did (she "couldn’t have fancy food for a while"), he'll still have to pay back just over $1 million to the Securities & Exchange Commission for the insider trading tip he received.

Depends On Who You Ask
A Washington Post survey revealed nine out of 10 self-identified Native Americans were not offended by the name "Washington Redskins." Skins owner Dan Snyder, of course, got up on his soapbox with this one by releasing a statement that said how "gratified" he was for the support. Another survey, however, which asked verified American Indians (not some douchebag hipster who said he's 1/35th Cherokee), showed 67% believed the term was offensive. Cool your jets, Danno.

Bonus Redskins Note: Starting quarterback Kirk Cousins tweeted he likes the band Creed. And with that, any trace of street cred has disappeared.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Clayton Kershaw. The LA Dodgers pitcher has fanned so many batters their collective wind energy could generate more power than the San Gorgonio Pass Wind Farm. Kershaw struck out 11 in a 5-1 win over the LA Angels on Tuesday, making him just the fifth pitcher since 1900 to strike out at least 10 batters in six straight games.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Steve Delabar. The Cincinnati Reds reliever is the anti-Kershaw. He walked in four-straight runs in a 13-1 loss to the Cleveland Indians on Tuesday night. It's a reversal of fortune for the Indians, who once had to watch one of their own walk batter after batter in Major League.

Quote of the Week
"They're quick little monkeys" - Steven Adams

The Oklahoma City Thunder center had to apologize for calling the Golden State Warriors guards, who are black, monkeys. On a related note, congratulations to Adams on his enshrinement into the Sports Racism Hall of Fame, where he'll join late broadcaster Howard Cosell, who called black people "little monkeys" so often he must have thought it was the proper PC term.

Honorable Mention: Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt isn't afraid of the Zika virus because he's "too fast to get bit."

Good Old Caption Winner
"Down goes Frazier" - Toros Avikian

Kudos to Toros for the Joe Frazier vs. George Foreman, "Sunshine Showdown" reference. Your sports history game is strong, and soon you'll receive a Good Old Sport tank top as a trophy. Feel free to write "Sports Buff" on it with a sharpie.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
You're sure as hell not going to watch The Angry Birds Movie this weekend, so we've laid out some more palatable options for you.
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