Wiener Hockey, Asher Roth, & So Many Holes.
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Thursday, April 7, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Wiener Hockey. Watch this video of two wiener dogs playing street hockey. We promise it'll be the best thing that happens to you all day.
  • Never Leave College. Ted Cruz Grayson Allen, college basketball's most infamous little turd, announced he'll return to Duke instead of entering the NBA draft, possibly because (relatively) short white dudes aren't exactly "big men on campus" in the NBA, but more likely because Allen is the basketball version of Asher Roth.
  • Not Sure If... Go ahead and slap the "Fry, not sure if... " meme on this one, because we're not sure if the Los Angeles Dodgers are that good or the San Diego Padres are that bad. The Dodgers are the first team since 1963 (Cardinals) to record three-consecutive shutouts to start a season. All three games came against the Padres, who became the first team in MLB history to be held scoreless for 27 innings.
  • Caught Snoozing. The first leg of the Champions League quarterfinals are in the books, with the most embarrassingly-hilarious moment coming to us courtesy of Man City, who had a goal scored on them simply because their keeper and one of their defenders weren't paying attention. Man City settled for a draw, while Wolfsburg, Bayern Munich, and Barcelona notched wins. The second leg begins April 12th.
  • Get A Life. New England Patriots fans are suing the NFL for taking away the Pats' first-round draft pick, which the team lost because of "Deflategate." The fans are suing on the grounds of fraud and emotional distress. You know you have too much free time when...

The Main Event
The Super Bowl of golf is upon us. Today is the first day of the 2016 Masters Tournament, the most prestigious golf tournament in the world, and the first of four major championships this year. The greatest golfers from around the globe will play for a piece of the $10,000,000 purse, and the chance to earn the coveted green jacket, given to the winner of the tournament. Or was it a gold jacket? Who gives a shit, just know that golfers get more excited about this garment than a 14-year-old white girl does when Uggs go on sale.

Rickie Fowler and Bubba Watson, members of the Golf Boys entourage, have been getting some love as early favorites to win the tournament. Watson has a solid Masters game, having won the tournament twice already (2012, 2014). They'll both be gunning for defending champ Jordan Spieth, who's looking to become the first back-to-back Masters champion since Tiger Woods (2001, 2002). However, if Rory McIlroy comes away with a win, he'll become just the sixth player in the modern era to win a Grand Slam (which encompasses wins at the Masters, U.S. Open, British Open, and the PGA Championship). He just needs a Masters win to complete the quadfecta.

We're all in on Rickie "Dick" Fowler for the win. He's never won a major championship, stars in his own detective series, and, to be frank, his colorful getups are the tits. Who wouldn't root for him? You can check out the tee times of all your other favorite golfers right here. Or, if you happen to be going to the tournament and have a few golfers you hate, you can use the tee time schedule to plan Jackass-style air horn blows in their backswing.

Good Sport
So Many Holes
There were a record nine hole-in-ones during yesterday's Masters Par 3 Contest, an annual for-fun tournament featuring Masters participants and their guests. The previous record for aces was five (2002), but that was shattered with the help of an 80-year-old former pro (Gary Player) and our boy, private investigator Dick Fowler. Dick and his bro, golfer Justin Thomas, made back-to-back hole-in-ones on the same hole, which of course resulted in an awkward white-guy high-five, hug thing. Jimmy Walker ended up winning the tourney with a course-record (-8). "Luckily" for Walker, no player who has ever won the Par 3 contest has gone on to win the Masters the same year. EVER.

216 Home Runs, Minimum
Colorado Rockies rookie Trevor Story and Seattle Mariners second baseman Robinson Cano are going to break MLB's record for home runs in a season (73)... by 143 home runs. They've both hit four homers in their first three games, so, based on a 162-game schedule, they'll blast 216 taters each by the end of the year. It's going to happen. It's math. It's foolproof. You heard it here first.

Bad Sport
Arms Across Siberia
Meldonium, a banned substance by the World Anit-Doping Agency, is so deeply ingrained in Russian sports we're convinced every man, woman, and child in the country receives a daily dose of it along with their ration of bread and vodka. So many Russian athletes have been linked to Meldonium in the past month they could link arms and stretch from one side of Siberia to the other. Now, Russia's entire under-18 hockey team has been replaced for the 2016 IIHF World U18 Championships, because most of the team tested positive for the drug. The team will be replaced by Russia's under-17 squad, who'll have to pull a reverse Miracle On Ice to make any sort of run, considering the U.S. has won six of the last seven IIHF championships.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: In news that should have happened two months ago, Philadelphia 76ers general manager Sam Hinkie resigned, because the Sixers are a goddamn travesty at 10-68.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of Steph Curry doing the devil's work. Winner gets a Good Old Sport t-shirt to wear at their next job interview.

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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Rangers at Angels - 10pm on Fox Sports 1
NBA. Bulls at Heat - 8pm on TNT; Spurs at Warriors - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL. Red Wings at Bruins - 7pm on NBC Sports
SOCCER. UEFA Europa League: Borussia Dortmund vs. Liverpool - 3pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. The Masters: First-Round Play - 3pm on ESPN
TENNIS. (women's) Volvo Car Open: Round-of-16 Play - 1pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE HOCKEY. NCAA Tournament: Boston College vs. Quinnipiac - 5pm on ESPN2; Denver vs. North Dakota - 8:30pm on ESPN2
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