Fat Back, Adroam Gpmza;ez, & Shakin' In His Boots.
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Friday, October 21, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Second To None. And now we'd like to present the greatest fan of all time:

The Main Event
WHAT?
While you were busy watching the Cubs grab a 3-2 NLCS series lead over the Dodgers, or the Packers stomp the Bears 26-10 on Thursday Night Football, the LA Sparks claimed their third WNBA championship.

WHAT ELSE?
The 2016 WNBA Finals came down to the wire in every way possible. The Sparks and Minnesota Lynx alternated wins throughout their five-game series leading into last night's do-or-die Game 5. They didn't disappoint in the finale, as the squads traded the lead multiple times in the final two minutes before Sparks forward Nneka Ogwumike hit the game-deciding bucket with just 3.1 seconds left in the game. A final desperation heave by the Lynx bounced off the backboard, securing a 77-76 Sparks victory.

THOUGHTS?
The WNBA just can't catch a break. On a night that featured one of the greatest games in the sport's history, they had to compete with MLB playoffs and prime-time football? If we ever see a better WNBA game we're certain it'll be on a night that also features a pennant-clinching MLB game, a triple-overtime NFL game, a quadruple-overtime college football game, and the release of another Kim Kardashian break-the-internet photo.

Good Sport
Tribe Troll Game On Point
Toronto Blue Jays outfielder José Bautista said Cleveland Indians pitcher Ryan Merritt would be "shaking in his boots" before Game 5 of the ALDS. As you know, the Jays were eliminated in Game 5, now Indians players are having a field day with Bautista on social media. Check out some of the burns here.

Bad Sport
Kaepernick Is Killing Football
NFL ratings are down and it's all 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's fault... or, it's at least partially his fault. A poll of 1,136 NFL fans revealed that 29% of fans are watching less football, with the Kaepernick-led protests cited as one of the top reasons. Although, debates between Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich Trump and Hillary were also named as a reason for the ratings dip.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: If you're a New York Giants fan, we'll just assume you support spousal abuse. The Giants' scumbag kicker, Josh Brown, admitted to abusing his "slave" wife. We're sure he's a nice guy otherwise.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Marian Hossa. Despite sharing a first name with your 60-year old aunt, the Chicago Blackhawks right winger became just the 44th player in NHL history to reach 500 career goals during a 7-4 victory over the Philadelphia Flyers this week.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Ryan Fitzpatrick. The New York Jets quarterback has officially reached maximum suckage this season. After throwing 1,578 interceptions (actually 11, but it felt like more) through six games this season, Fitz and his food-catcher have been benched for Geno Smith, a QB that once had to drink his meals through a straw because of a teammate.

Quote of the Week
"Draymond f*cked up practice and shit. Draymond's a good guy, but I think at the end of the day, it hurt the whole chemistry of the year." - Marreese Speights

Speights, the LA Clippers center, and former teammate of Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green, said Green berated teammates during practice and was an overall pain in the dick. At least he wasn’t a literally pain in the dick like he was for most of the Warriors’ opponents last year.

Good Old Caption Winner
"And here we take a live look at the start of the Trump rally in Cleveland." - Connor Berry

We're a little upset you couldn't squeeze sexual assault into this Trump reference also, Connor. Nevertheless, you're our Good Old Caption winner! Enjoy your koozie with an unpainted face, please.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
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