Pick 'Em Is Back!, Skip Sucks, & Nut Shots.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Cheap Shots. USC linebacker Jabari Ruffin has been suspended half a game after introducing his foot to Alabama defensive back Minkah Fitzpatrick’s berries.
  • Chubby Bubby. Penn State's 271-pound kicker, Joey Julius, doesn't want returners eating into his net punt average. Watch him drive back 155-pound Kent State freshman Kavious Price during a return.
  • It Doesn't Matter What They're Saying. University of Illinois now has Mandarin radio callers. Looks like you have some serious competition, Spanish language radio.
  • Can't Trust Les. According to College GameDay signs, LSU head coach Les Miles shot Harambe and still believes Ryan Lochte, but we have a feeling he'd deny all of it.
  • Headshot. Los Angeles Angels pitcher Matt Shoemaker was hit in the head by a line-dive and had to get emergency surgery to stop bleeding inside his skull. Luckily, Shoemaker was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery.

The Main Event
The 2016 Rio Paralympics start tonight!

That's right, the "don't you dare laugh" Olympics take place in the same country that the regular Olympics do, giving billion-dollar structures one more use before they're abandoned completely. Shockingly, this sporting event contains even more tear-inducing, heart-warming stories than its Olympic counterpart. A couple key American storylines you may cry about:
Tatyana McFadden. The track and field star is looking to become the first athlete to win seven golds in one Paralympics.
Matt Stutzman. He makes Katniss Everdeen look silly, because this armless archer is the world record holder for the furthest accurate distance.

Despite the fact that the International Paralympic Committee had so much trouble selling tickets they've reduced the price to 10 Reais ($3.13), the athletes are excited, and so are we. Any day we can watch Murderball (or the Jackass dudes doing stupid stunts with the Murderball cast) is a good day. Check out the complete broadcast schedule here.

NFL Pick 'Em
It's that time again, knuckleheads, our NFL Pick 'Em tournament is back! Click here to make your Week 1 picks. The winner gets an ultra-dope pint glass.

No idea how to play? Don't worry it's easier than you think. Just guess the teams that will win this week. There's no entry fee and all are welcome to play (except Pats fans), so feel free to share with your friends.

Good Sport
Skip Sucks
Troy Aikman gave Fox Sports, the broadcast network which employs him, a piece of his mind regarding their stupid decision to hire sports scum of the earth Skip Bayless, saying, "I believe success is achieved by acquiring and developing talented, respected and credible individuals, none of which applies to Skip Bayless." For once, we're on the same side as a Dallas Cowboy.

Bad Sport
One Million Miles
On Sunday, 54-year-old endurance cycling legend Danny Chew crashed into a ditch and broke his neck, paralyzing him from the waist down. Chew set a lifetime goal of biking one million miles, and was up around the 800,000 mile point before the accident. Don't fret though, because Chew has already reportedly stated, “I’ll just have to finish my million miles on a hand cycle. So be it.” We're rooting for you, Chew.

Related: One month after Dutch cyclist Annemiek van Vleuten suffered a horrifying crash during the Olympics, she won the Lotto Belgium Tour.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
TENNIS. U.S. Open Quarterfinals - 12pm on ESPN and 7pm on ESPN2
MLB. St. Louis Cardinals at Pittsburgh Pirates - 7pm on ESPN; Texas Rangers at Seattle Mariners - 10pm on ESPN
RIO PARALYMPICS. Opening Ceremony - 7pm on NBCSN
SOCCER. Chicago vs. Kansas City 7:55pm on FS1
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