Witchcraft, Wiggins, & Winter Wonderland.
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Thursday, December 29, 2016

Quick Hits
  • North America 2026. The United States, Canada, and Mexico are reportedly considering a joint bid for the 2026 World Cup (soccer). Should it come to fruition, it would be the first World Cup held in more than one nation since 2002 (Japan and South Korea). Players should be sure to bring copious amounts of Pepto to prepare for the local cuisines of cheeseburgers, poutine, and tamales.
  • Witch! Be careful if you’re a professional soccer player in Rwanda, because you may end up with a shrunken head. “Witchcraft” is reportedly such an issue in the African nation that new bylaws have been put in place stating that players "found guilty of using witchcraft will receive a three-match suspension.” You hear that? Keep your weapons and wands at home, boys.
  • Paybackgate. The New England Patriots are reportedly willing to listen to trade offers for backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, so long as that offer includes first and fourth-round draft picks, which happen to be the picks the Patriots had to forfeit from the fallout of Deflategate. Sorry, Goodell, but Bill Belichick’s gonna have the last laugh after all… if he ever laughs.
  • Not Sports Related, But... "Supergirl" Melissa Benoist (total smokeshow) filed for divorce from her idiot Glee husband. So now that she's back on the market, are you telling us there's a chance?

The Main Event
Steve Smith Sr., the NFL’s favorite little asshole, is setting sail for retirement after a 16-year career with the Carolina Panthers and Baltimore Ravens.

The 37-year-old, 5′ 9″ receiver announced yesterday that the Ravens’ final game of the season this Sunday against the Bengals would be his last. Smith will be remembered as a fiery player who overcame his small stature by talking big and playing bigger. When he wasn’t throwing shade at other players or tweeting about touching his wife’s boob, Smith could be found on the football field building a Hall of Fame career. Get a load of these career milestones:

14,697 receiving yards (7th all-time)
1,028 career receptions (12th all-time) *One of just 14 receivers with 1,000+ receptions
81 touchdowns receptions
5x Pro Bowl selections
First receiver since 1992 to win “Triple Crown” (lead league in receptions, yards, and touchdowns – 2005)

Love him or hate him, you can count on Smith getting a gold jacket after he retires.

We’ll just leave some of our favorite Steve Smith quotes right here:

“It sounds like he needs to wear some condoms.” – on Giants cornerback Janoris Jenkins, who has four kids with three different women.

“I look in the eyes of all my victims before I take their lunch money.”

“I’m 35 years old, and I ran around them boys like they were school-yard kids.”

“Put your goggles on ‘cause there’s going to be blood and guts everywhere.”

Good Sport
Going Out On Top… For Now
British cyclist Bradley Wiggins has announced his retirement after a stellar career that included eight Olympic medals and a Tour de France title in 2012. If Wiggins is like any other cyclist (looking at you, Lance and Floyd), he’ll have a few months to enjoy retirement before a doping scandal wipes out his career achievements.

Bad Sport
Written In Ink
Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has officially submitted his bid to be enshrined among the World’s Dumbest Criminals. A prosecutor in Hernandez’s double murder trial says the former tight end got a tattoo commemorating the crime back in 2012. The tattoo shows a pair of guns that are the same models used in the killing, one of which is shown carrying five rounds, the exact number of bullets fired at the scene. It looks like Renaud ‘Junior’ Plaisir, who fell asleep while eating chicken wings during a house robbery, has some competition.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Doug Martin will have a longer offseason than most. Yesterday he was handed a four-game suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy - allegedly stemming from an "Adderall" addiction. Martin has declined to appeal the suspension.

Good Old Caption
Caption this GIF of Winter Wonderland gymnastics gone wrong. Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com for a chance at an ice-shattering prize.

Remember Your Picks
Get your Week 17 NFL Picks in for our Good Old Sport Pick 'Em Challenge! Winner gets a koozie and their name in tomorrow's edition. Submissions must be entered before the games on Sunday!

Our BOLD PREDICTION of the Week: Miami over New England
Our LOCK of the Week: Seattle over San Francisco

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Celtics at Cavaliers - 5pm on TNT; Mavericks at Lakers - 7:30pm on TNT
NHL. Devils at Capitals - 4pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Birmingham Bowl: South Florida vs. South Carolina - 11am on ESPN; Belk Bowl: Arkansas vs. Virginia Tech - 2:30pm on ESPN; Alama Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Colorado - 6pm on ESPN
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Kentucky at Mississippi - 5pm on ESPN2; Butler at St. John's - 4pm on Fox Sports 1
WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Connecticut at Maryland - 3pm on ESPN2
Link of the Day: Did you know you can defrost your windshield with booze? Perhaps we'll try it one day if we ever tire of drinking it.
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