Home Of Sadness, Triple Threat, & Chinese Basketball Fights
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Friday, March 18, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Home Of Sadness. If you're in Cleveland and ask Apple's Siri "Where is sadness?" she responds with directions to the Browns' stadium. Harsh, but fair.
  • Casual Observation. Just look how much smaller former MLB player Barry Bonds' arms are as a current hitting coach with the Miami Marlins than they were as a former steroid abuser with the San Francisco Giants. Despite his deflation, the 51-year-old Bonds somehow still beat all the Marlins in a spring training home run derby. It's going to be another great year for Miami baseball.
  • Ridiculous Ravens Rule. The Baltimore Ravens suggested a new rule for the NFL, and it's dumber than hell. They want ineligible players who report as eligible receivers to wear pinnies (colored vests) over their uniforms. So anytime one of these aforementioned players reports as eligible, they'll have to run to the sideline, put on a moo moo-sized pinnie so it can fit over their pads, then run back onto the field. Good Old Sport also submitted a rule change: for every 10 yards a player runs they have to cartwheel the next five. These rule proposals, along with 18 others, will be voted on at next week's owners' meetings.
  • Torn Up. Washington Nationals pitcher Bronson Arroyo, our favorite cornrowed white guy in all of sports, has a "significantly torn" right rotator cuff. His career may be over, with Arroyo himself admitting, "I feel like it's probably done."
  • USA! USA! The U.S. national basketball and soccer teams got some new threads. Apparently the theme for this year's unis is "if it ain't white, it ain't right."

The Main Event
The first day of March Madness is in the books, and it was a wet one (see coach above). Even with Duke players full on tackling bitches, the No. 4 Blue Devils struggled mightily against No. 13 University of North Carolina at Wilmington, eking out a 93-85 win. Elsewhere, Virginia coach Tony Bennett collapsed on the court (he lived), Arizona coach Sean Miller grossly sweat through his white dress shirt exposing his entire torso, and No. 4 Iowa State senior Abdel Nader busted out some Rihanna-inspired dance moves to celebrate their 94-81 victory over No. 13 Iona. All in all, it was a pretty entertaining day

The biggest upsets of the day came courtesy of Yale, the University of Arkansas at Little Rock (UALR), and Wichita State. No. 12 Yale upset No. 5 Baylor 79-75 to record their first ever NCAA tournament win, leaving Baylor with nothing to do but pick fights with each other mid-game as they watched their season implode. Meanwhile, No. 12 UALR hit a vicious three-pointer with just seconds remaining in regulation to force overtime, and would go on to beat No. 5 Purdue 85-83 in double OT. No. 11 Wichita State, which entered the tournament via First Four, shocked No. 6 Arizona 65-55. You can check out the rest of the results right here.

As New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski eloquently put it, "hopefully we see some crazy dunks, some crazy March Madness." We sure did, Gronk. We sure did.

Good Sport
Triple Threat
Pro golfer Adam Scott is kicking ass... again. He's just one stroke off the lead after day one of the Arnold Palmer Invitational, a PGA Tour tournament played at a private golf course owned by the inventor of one of our favorite tea-based drinks, Arnold Palmer. Our favorite of course being the alcohol version of an Arnold Palmer, the "John Daly," which is aptly named for the alcoholic, chain-smoking, gambling golfer of the same name. Anyway, Scott is seeking his third consecutive PGA Tour win, having already won The Honda Classic and Cadillac Championship.

Bad Sport
Meldonium For The Masses
Surprise! Two more Russian athletes tested positive for meldonium, a banned substance. Yup, the same drug tennis superstar Maria Sharapova and several other Russian athletes have recently been caught with. Bobsledder Nadezhda Sergeeva, who had that butt cheek-revealing wardrobe malfunction at the 2014 Sochi Olympics, and swimmer Yuliya Efimova admitted to testing positive for the drug, with Efimova facing a lifetime ban as a repeat offender. Apparently meldonium is to Russia what gun violence is to Chicago - widespread and uncontrollable.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Memphis Grizzlies power forward Matt Barnes got into a big tiff with Milwaukee Bucks power forward John Henson late in the Bucks' 96-86 win over the Grizzlies last night. How big? After Henson was ejected from the game for a technical foul, he retreated to the Bucks' locker room. Barnes chased after him, into the opposing team's locker room, presumably to start some shit. Both were eventually escorted out of the stadium by a "spate of security guards."

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Sting. Everyone's favorite wrestler is calling it a career. The face-painting phenom is stepping away due to a back injury, and is expected to officially announce his retirement at next month's WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, where he's to be inducted. Goodnight, Sting, fifth-grade sleepovers with the bros wouldn't have been the same without you.

Honorable Mention: This week the Golden State Warriors became the only team in the four major U.S. pro sports leagues to win 50-straight regular season home games, not counting the 10-consecutive seasons we went undefeated and won the Super Bowl with our Madden franchise team.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Chinese Basketball Fans. If you think Chinese sports fans are only passionate about dragon boat racing, you're right. But when they're not watching mythical creatures glide across the water, they're watching basketball. The CBA (Chinese Basketball Association) Finals are underway, and tensions are high for whatever reason. After a loss to the Sichuan Blue Whales, the Liaoning Flying Leopards went back to their hotel, only to be greeted by Blue Whales fans who immediately starting wailing (sorry, we had to) on them right outside the lobby. Apparently Blue Whales vs. Flying Leopards is like Yanks vs. Sox.

Quote of the Week
"Pep told us that he would cut our balls off if we didn't beat Juventus." - Thomas Muller

The FC Bayern Munich forward said Bayern manager Pep Guardiola gave them plenty of "motivation" to beat Juventus in their "Round of 16" Champions League playoff game. Tied 2-2 at the time of the comment, Bayern would go on to beat Juventus 4-2 in extra time. The key to male stimulus is always through the sack.

Good Old Caption Winner
"When you got a soccer game at 12 but gotta practice for your male stripper gig at 3"

Micheal Nunez comes away with an exotic victory. Tell the ladies you entertain at tonight's bachelorette party you won your new baseball tee from Good Old Sport.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Check out this weekend's action right here. Yes, it's a shitload of college basketball.
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