Double Bird, Nissan Sentra, & Vine Is Toast.
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Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday Fun
  • $47 Million? No Thanks. New York Mets star Yoenis Cespedes no longer wants to be New York Mets start Yoenis Cespedes. He'll reportedly opt out of $47.5 million due to him over the next two years to become a free agent.
  • Nissan Sentra or World Series? Thinking about going to Game 3 of the World Series tonight? Not so fast, amigo. The average price per ticket is $3k, with Game 4 and Game 5 averaging out at $3,650 and $3,500, respectively. You could buy a 2001 Nissan Sentra for that and still have money left over for a few trips to the McDonald's inside your favorite Walmart.
  • Remember Jay Cutler? That shitty Chicago Bears quarterback with the smokin' hot wife? According to a report, he may be out on his ass after the season.
  • Barbershop. It’s one thing to get a logo shaved into your head, but Boston Celtics guard Gerald Green is on another level. The Sham-rows brought the Celtics the luck of the Irish in their first game of the season, as they topped the Brooklyn Nets 122-117.

The Main Event
The playoffs have started for Major League Soccer, our 19th-favorite American sports league, and you don't know shit about it. Let's fix that.

The MLS playoffs feature 12 teams, which seems a bit excessive considering there's only 20 teams in the league, and begins with a single-elimination Knockout Round, which wrapped up last night. The winners of the Knockout Round matches (LA Galaxy, Toronto FC, Seattle Sounders, Montreal Impact) will go on to face the higher-seeded playoff teams in the Conference Semifinals, which begin on Sunday, and feature a two-game series, aggregate-goal format. Asleep yet? Good. Skip to the next section if you're done learning about all this soccer garbage. For the rest of you, the Conference Semifinal winners move on to another aggregate, two-game series (Conference Championships) before the top two squads play in the 2016 MLS Cup on December 10th.

So who the hell is going to win? Well, the Portland Timbers took it all last year, but they may find it hard to repeat considering they wet the bed by failing to make the playoffs. As for teams that took the 2016 season seriously, the New York Red Bulls (nice name, sellouts) have been named early favorites.

You know what the worst thing about doing stories on the MLS is? Major League Soccer doesn't own Without fail, we type in "" to our browser every time we need info on this shitstain league, and every time we're furious when we're met with some dull-ass real estate website. What the hell kind of league doesn't own the domain for the acronym of their league? Pony up and buy the goddamn rights so we can be redirected to your dumpy website instead of making us add to the clichéd definition of insanity by typing in for the 50th time and expecting it to be Major League Soccer.

Good Sport
Sunday Is A Biggie
Thanks to the Cubs' Game 2 victory in the World Series on Wednesday, which assured a Game 5 on Sunday, all four major North American sports leagues will play on the same day (Sunday) for the 16th time in history. This is great news for sports-loving bros everywhere, and terrible news for their already-bored-to-death girlfriends.

Honorable Mention: Jeremy Lin, the only Asian basketball player you know, is donating $1 million to Harvard University, his alma mater and career launch point. This gives hope to young kids everywhere that they too can underachieve their way to having enough "f*ck you" money to give back to their community one day.

Bad Sport
Double Bird
Fat Pauly here, showing off some Philly brotherly love to Russell Westbrook, has to be our favorite "Bad Sport" of all time. Unfortunately for Pauly, his doubles birds didn't help as the Sixers lost their first game of the season to the Oklahoma City Thunder 103-97.

G.O.A.T./Goat of the Week
Michael Lee. The 1993 graduate of Mission Viejo High School predicted the Chicago Cubs would win the 2016 World Series. We’ll know in less than a week if he’s a legit psychic or just some greasy-faced teenager spouting off some bullshit. Until then his status as G.O.A.T. or Goat remains unclear. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame in the interim, Mike.

Quote of the Week
"You know how I learned to shoot? I watched white people. Just regular white people. They really put their elbow in and finish up top. You can find videos of them online." - Joel Embiid

The Philadelphia 76ers star insists that white men can jump. Suck it, Wesley.

Good Old Caption Winner
“These new VR phones are more realistic, and painful, than I thought.” – Chris Williams

It’s so real it’s like you’re almost there! Put your goddamn phone down and enjoy the game, kid. Chris, be sure to drink a beer out of your new koozie without f*cking snapchatting it.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Son of a bitch, it's starting to get cold out. Stay inside and watch dank sports.

Happy Halloween
We're skipping a costume this year with hopes our intoxication alone will sufficiently scare people this weekend. We'll see you back here on Wednesday, you goblins.
Link of the Day: Twitter is killing Vine. Let's mourn the loss by watching this classic Vine compilation of Ryan Gosling refusing to eat his cereal.
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