Bieber Can Ball, Top Shelf, & Wanna Bet?
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Monday, June 6, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Top Shelf. The San Jose Sharks finally managed to get off their asses and win a Stanley Cup Finals game thanks to Sharks winger Joonas Donskoi going top shelf (no, not the top shelf people take a dump into for pranks) in OT to give the Sharks a 3-2 win on Saturday night, putting them just one game back (1-2) of the Pittsburgh Penguins as they head into Game 4 tonight.
  • Rematch. Conor McGregor will face Nate Diaz in a rematch at UFC 202 on August 20th. We already can't wait for McGregor's pre-match one-liners, like this one before their last fight; "I will eat his carcass in front of his little gazelle friends." A true poet.
  • Wanna Bet? Another Golden State Warriors win is music to boxer Floyd Mayweather's ears, or rather, money to his wallet. Mayweather's been making bank betting on the Warriors this postseason, including a $133,636 haul for Game 1 of the Finals, so he'll be happy to see the Dubs went up two games to none after humiliating the Cleveland Cavaliers 110-77 last night.
  • Neymar Makes Him Look Good. Justin Bieber is much better at juggling a soccer ball than he is at making music, as is evident by this clip of the Biebs showing off his surprisingly competent skills with soccer superstar Neymar.
  • Human After All. Chicago Cubs pitcher Jake Arrieta, thought to be an android designed for devouring batters' souls, was proven to be a mere mortal after all in a 3-2 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, which is not only Arrieta's first loss of the season (9-1), but also his first defeat since July of last year.

The Main Event
Muhammad Ali, widely proclaimed as one of the greatest boxers (and self-proclaimed as the greatest boxer) of all time, died on Friday night at age 74.

"The Greatest of All Time" got into boxing after his bike was stolen as a 12-year-old boy. From there, Ali went on to boastfully lay waste to many of the greatest boxers in the world in some of the most famous fights in boxing history, including victories over George Foreman in "The Rumble in the Jungle,” Ernie Terrell in "What's My Name?" and Joe Frazier in "The Thrilla in Manilla.” Ali used his patented “Ali Shuffle” and “rope-a-dope” tactics (watch an opponent swing and miss Ali 21 times in 10 seconds) to secure 56 career wins against just five losses. He also won a gold medal in the 1960 Summer Olympics, and received a "Hollywood Walk of Fame" star. Not to mention he put out an album, hung out with The Beatles, appeared in a Broadway musical, had his own comic book, and famously lit the torch at the 1996 Olympics despite visibly suffering from Parkinson's. The only thing the man didn't do was make his own grill... because some other boxer beat him to it (hint: he has five sons and they're all named George Foreman).

R.I.P. to not only a legendary boxer, but to an insult-rhyme mastermind. Two of our favorites are; "I've wrestled with an alligator, I tussled with a whale, I done handcuffed lightning, throwed thunder in jail," and "Last week I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick, I'm so mean I make medicine sick." Muhammad Ali, 1942-2016.

Good Sport
Alex Morgan, Yes Please
Japan is still America's bitch... in women's soccer. Clearly still suffering from fevered dreams of their 5-2, World Cup ass-beating at the hands of the United States Women's National Team last year, Japan failed to make much of an effort during an uninspired loss to the U.S. in an international friendly yesterday. Alex Morgan (obligatory bikini pic) and Julie Johnston netted goals to give the U.S. a 2-0 win in a rain-shortened match.

Somewhat Related: The United States men's national team is still everyone's bitch, as was evident by their 2-0 Copa América Centenario loss on Friday to Colombia, who needed just eight minutes to score their first goal.

Honorable Mention: American William McGirt beat Jon Curran in a playoff to win the Memorial Tournament and his first career PGA Tour title.

Bad Sport
Shouldn't Have Said That
MMA fighter Michael Bisping is still an eighth-grade bully at heart. After knocking out Luke Rockhold in the first round at UFC 199 to become the new middleweight champion, Bisping added childish-insult to injury by calling Rockhold a "faggot" during the post-match presser. Immediately after hurling the slur, Bisping said, "Shit, I shouldn’t have said that." No shit.

Somewhat Related: Brock Lesnar will take a break from breaking people's necks (literally) in the WWE to fight at UFC 200 next month.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Novak Djokovic. The Serbian tennis star is an epic failure at the French Open no more. It took Djokovic 12 tries to do it (most appearances at the tournament before a win), but he beat Andy Murray to finally win his first French Open title, making him the eighth man in history to complete the career grand slam (victories at the French Open, U.S. Open, Australian Open, and Wimbledon), and just the third man to hold all four majors at once.

Honorable Mention: 22-year-old Venezuelan tennis player Garbiñe Muguruza struck down comparative grandma Serena Williams (34 years old) to win the French Open.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Aqib Talib. The Denver Broncos cornerback is expected to recover from a gunshot wound he received at a Dallas-area strip club Saturday night after a fight inside the venue. Not surprisingly, a gunshot wound isn't the worst thing you can contract at a strip club.

Quote of the Weekend
"This is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action." - Dan Turner

Dan, the father of Brock Turner, an ex-Stanford swimmer who was found guilty of sexual assault, referred to his son's rape of an unconscious woman as "action." We can only assume Dan played the part of the devil in the Animal House scene where Pinto had an angel and devil on his shoulders feeding him advice while he considers feeling up a passed out girl (NSFW).

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Phillies - 7pm on ESPN2
STANLEY CUP FINALS. Game 4: Penguins at Sharks - 8pm on NBC (Penguins lead 2-1)
SOCCER. Copa America Centenario: Panama vs. Bolivia - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; Copa America Centenario: Argentina vs. Chile - 10pm on Fox Sports 1
WOMEN'S SOFTBALL. Women's College World Series: Finals Game 1 - 8pm on ESPN
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