Justin Timberlake's Plea, England Biffs It, & As Good As Gold.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Down Goes The Queen. In a massive upset, Iceland beat England 2-1 to oust the Queen's team from Euro 2016, then celebrated with a slow clap - and whatever the guy above is doing. How big of an upset is it? England's odds of going to the quarterfinals were 60.7% against Iceland's 14.3%, not to mention England's (now former) manager makes $4.6 million a year... and Iceland's is a part-time dentist. Ouch. Iceland will face France in their quarterfinal match.
  • Down Goes The King. Italy knocked two-time defending champion Spain from Euro 2016 via a 2-0 blanking yesterday, and thank Christ because that means we won't have to look at Spain's atrocious 1990's, triangle-infused uniforms for the rest of the tourney. Italy will move on to face Germany in the quarterfinals in a meeting of former Axis powers.
  • Suspect Signing. The New York Mets signed infielder, and woman beater, Jose Reyes because they apparently endorse domestic violence. Don't root for the Mets.
  • Don't Go. Justin Timberlake and members of the Memphis Grizzlies put together an over-the-top video in an effort to retain free agent Mike Conley. It must mean a lot for Conley to see his teammates and a famous, die-hard Grizzlies fan like JT go to such lengths to keep him. Or was JT a fan of the Lakers, or the Raptors, or the Sixers? All we can say for sure is he's a fan of the 3.
  • Confidence Booster. Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden may have had trouble against real players in the NBA playoffs this year, but at least he can still take fat white kids to school. You're quite the big man, James.

The Main Event
The Arizona Wildcats are halfway toward becoming NCAA college baseball champions, winning game one of the best-of-three College World Series Final against the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers last night (3-0). For reference, a Chanticleer (SHON-ti-clear) is some turquoise rooster thing that CCU insists is "proud and fierce" and "dominates the barnyard." Whatever.

Both teams were considered long shots to make it this far. Although CCU won an impressive 53 regular season games, they began the season 7-7 and carried the burden of a program known to come up short in the postseason (this is their first World Series Final appearance ever). On the other end, despite Arizona's past success (four titles, last in 2012), the Wildcats were picked to finish ninth out of 11 teams in the Pac-12 in a preseason coaches poll. But alas, Arizona and CCU defied the odds to become the last two squads standing in a tournament that started way too long ago (June 3) with 64 teams. Arizona can complete their storybook season tonight with a win, if not, we'll see a series-deciding rubber match tomorrow night.

Not sure who to root for? Go with the adopted mascot that speaks to you. CCU keeps a stuffed monkey named Rafiki (The Lion King) in their dugout as a good-luck charm, while Arizona has hitched their wagon to a plastic Spider-Man figurine. Spider-Man is clearly the superior fictional character, but we always like seeing a team that's never won it all to... well, win it all. So, Hakuna Matata.

Good Sport
As Good As Gold
Simone Biles is the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, sans the pronounced underbite and substance abuse. The 19-year-old gymnast just won her 4th-straight U.S. Gymnastics title, hasn't lost a meet since 2013, and is considered to be practically unbeatable. She'll undoubtedly be the new face of the U.S. team at the Rio Summer Olympics, where she'll join Olympic gold medalists Gabby Douglas, Aly Raisman, and others as heavy favorites for team and individual gold.

Bad Sport
Cart Before The Horse
The thing about building a new stadium is, they're traditionally constructed for a team that will play in it. Quebec City looked past this minor detail, having built a $370 million arena for an NHL team they don't have. Las Vegas was awarded the NHL's new expansion team over Quebec City earlier this month, leaving Quebec City with a sparkling new arena that will always remain sparkling new because it won't experience a high volume of drunk fans pissing in the concourse like most other arenas (NSFW). At least the people of Quebec City still get the honor of feeling like upright, taxpaying citizens, as they'll be footing the bill for a portion of the stadium. Enjoy your over-sized, $370 million-dollar paperweight.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Dan Skuta has a lot to learn when it comes to courting women. The Jacksonville Jaguars linebacker pushed a woman's face into a glass window after she refused to give him her phone number, resulting in an arrest and battery charges. You gotta remember to play it cool, Dan. Now she knows you really like her, which is a no-no in the Dazed and Confused love handbook.

Shirt of the Week
As you well know by now, Cleveland Cavaliers guard J.R. Smith simply would not put on a shirt for a solid week while celebrating the Cavs' NBA title. Now, Fresh Brewed Tees is selling a J.R. shirtless shirt. Yes, please.

Never Forget
To always keep your ass-spray handy in case of mid-game chafing. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
GOLF. PGA Professional National Championship, Third-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel
TENNIS. Wimbledon, First-Round Play - 7am on ESPN
BOXING. Premier Boxing Champions: Edner Cherry vs. Lydell Rhodes - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
COLLEGE BASEBALL. College World Series, Game 2: Arizona vs. Coastal Carolina - 8pm on ESPN
WNBA. Dallas at Los Angeles - 10pm on ESPN2
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