Like A Virgin, Pop The Suds, & Get To The Chopper!
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Friday, July 8, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Pimp Kobe's Ride. Snoop Dogg gave Kobe Bryant a Lakers-themed car as a retirement gift. The classic convertible, which looks like it was tricked-out by Xzibit and the Pimp My Ride crew, includes a giant image of Snoop among smaller images of Kobe and other Lakers players. Just remember to check the wheel wells for weed bricks before taking it for a spin on the freeway, Kobe.
  • Barreling Bandwagon. The Cleveland Cavaliers' bandwagon is traveling at such incredible speeds it may break the sound barrier. On the heels of their NBA title, the Cavs are leading NBA merchandise sales after "unprecedented demand" for championship gear.
  • Like A Virgin. After abstaining from sex for over a year, Seahawks QB Russell Wilson got married this week, so he was finally able to pork his wife, Ciara. How can we be so sure they did the deed? They won't stop talking about it.
  • Vick The Rap King. An excerpt from an upcoming documentary about former NFL quarterback Michael Vick shows how big of a deal he was in the rap world, with rapper Lil Wayne claiming, "if Michael Vick didn't have a cameo in your [rap] video, it wasn't too cool of a video." We can't say Vick's criminal background helped his image as a rap icon, but it certainly didn't hurt.
  • Pop The Suds. Despite a piss showing at Euro 2016 (didn't even make the quarterfinals after an abysmal 3-0 loss to Wales), the Russian soccer team still spent over $250k on 500 bottles of champagne to "celebrate" their Euro trip, and are in big trouble for it. We can only assume the Russians would have exhausted the world supply of champagne had they advanced further in the tournament.

The Main Event
Tomorrow is UFC 200, and it's going to suck. Once touted as the "biggest, baddest card" in MMA history, this "historic" event has been reduced to a steaming pile of shit thanks to superstar Conor McGregor being dropped from the card in April, and Jon "Bones" Jones apparent love for performance enhancing drugs, which cost him a spot on the card this week.

A blubbering, tearful Jon Jones offered an apology for his failed PED test yesterday, but that doesn't change the fact he's responsible for the "most damaging main event change in MMA history." You can bet your ass the UFC stands to lose a pretty penny, with fans likely to balk at paying $59.99 for a piss-poor, thrown-together lineup. Jones' (now former) opponent, light heavyweight champion Daniel Cormier, will now face an over-the-hill Anderson Silva (41), who will have just two days to prepare for the fight. What a mess.

For those interested in burning $60, the top female bout should be a hoot, with Miesha Tate (the girl who knocked out the girl who knocked out Ronda Rousey) defending her women’s bantamweight title against Amanda Nunes. Check out the rest of the card, which, at this rate, may lose more fighters before tomorrow, right here.

The good news is we won't have to wait long to see another quality fight. UFC 202 featuring a rematch between Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz is right around the corner, and McGregor is already talking shit. He called Diaz an "ugly Mexican southpaw" at yesterday's 202 presser, and took a shot at UFC president Dana White by calling UFC 202 "the real UFC 200."

Good Sport
Go Serena
Serena Williams destroyed Russian tennis player Elena Vesnina yesterday to earn a spot in the Wimbledon Final. A win would tie Serena with Steffi Graf for most open-era Grand Slam singles titles (22). To pull it off, she'll have to beat Angelique Kerber, who deprived us of an all-Williams sister Final by beating Venus Williams in the semis. Man, a sister vs. sister Final would have been sweet. F*ck you, Kerber, for taking that away from us. Go Serena.

An Alec Baldwin-sized Victory
France beat Germany 2-0 (thanks to two goals by Antoine Griezmann), and will advance to the Euro 2016 Final, where they'll face Portugal on July 10th. Until yesterday, France hadn't beat Germany outside of a friendly in 58 years, also known as a full Alec Baldwin-amount of time. Here's hoping no one on the French team gets so drunk celebrating their win they call their daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig," à la Baldwin.

Bad Sport
Get To The Chopper!
Rio waters are so chock-full of garbage that helicopters will be used to spot floating rubbish before sailing events at the Summer Olympics, which will then be picked up by collection boats after the choppers send GPS coordinates of the debris. Good luck spotting anything smaller than a dead body from a helicopter. No wonder body parts went unnoticed until they washed up on shore last week.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Giancarlo Stanton. The Miami Marlins slugger popped four dingers in four at-bats across two games this week, including his 200th-career tater. Sadly, Stanton didn't even need 200 homers to make Marlins history, as he's already the franchise's all-time home run leader. For reference, the Yankees have 16 former and current players who've hit 200+ homers.

Related: Stanton's gopher-ball prowess is so transcendent he's been added to the eight-man, MLB Home Run Derby contest, which is this Monday.

Honorable Mention: British cyclist Mark Cavendish has already won three Tour de France stages, which moves him to second all-time for most stage wins with 29 (Eddy Merckx, 34). Knowing how entrenched steroid use is in cycling, we can't wait for his inevitable doping scandal to surface.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Louis Murphy & Denard Robinson. The two NFLers have sleep issues. Murphy was locked in a museum overnight after passing out drunk at a wedding, and Robinson was found asleep with his girlfriend in a car that was partially submerged in a pond. The best part of Robinson's story is that when police waded into the waters and tapped on the car window to wake and alert the passengers of the situation, Robinson's girlfriend calmly rolled the window down and said, "what’s up?" as if to imply, "this isn't a normal napping spot for you?"

(Dis)Honorable Mention: LA Lakers shooting guard Nick Young clearly didn't learn from New York Giants pyrotechnics expert Jason Pierre-Paul's mistake, as Young held a mortar-style firework in his hand as it went off on the Fourth of July. Fortunately for young, he didn't blow his hand to smithereens, and he won't be punished for the incident.

Quote of the Week
"Kevin Durant is trying to cheat his way into a championship" - Charles Barkley

The former NBA star and deodorant spokesman cried foul after hearing Kevin Durant left the OKC Thunder to join the Golden State Warriors. Stark words from a bitter man who was never able to win a championship himself during his 16-year career.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Inside view of Bill Simmons' wet dream at the moment of ejaculation." - Matt Walters

Thanks, Matt, for accurately capturing the wild sexual fantasies of sports personality, and overtly biased Boston fan, Bill Simmons. Enjoy your refreshingly unbiased Good Old Sport koozies.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Chores to do this weekend? Not with all these sports to watch.
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