The Drunk ESPYs, Dong Dong, & Nutmeg.
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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Take The Case Higher. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's four-game "Deflategate" suspension was upheld by the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court, and many believe Brady will take his case to the Supreme Court. If that avenue proves fruitless, Brady will likely seek a decision from Star Wars' Galactic Senate for a final ruling.
  • Valuable Inadequacy. The Dallas Cowboys have overtaken Real Madrid as the world's most valuable sports team ($4 billion), which is surprising considering the Cowboys have won just two playoff games in the last 20 years.
  • Looking Out For #1. NBA commissioner Adam Silver said 'super teams' are "not good for the league," referring to Golden State's acquisition of superstar Kevin Durant. So why didn't Silver do anything about it? Probably because he didn't want to be enveloped in the same type of shit storm former commissioner David Stern dealt with after vetoing the Lakers' trade for Chris Paul in 2011.
  • Punching A Lead. After 11 stages, British cyclist Chris Froome is leading the Tour de France by 28 seconds over the next closest participant (fellow Brit Adam Yates). How does the defending Tour de France champ stay so focused? He punches any fan that becomes a distraction.
  • Dear God. Watch San Antonio Spurs guard Jonathon Simmons neuter Chicago Bulls forward Cristiano Felíciowith with this filthy nutmeg.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Last night was the ESPYs, ESPN’s annual award show that recognizes outstanding individual and team athletic performances over the past year. You’re probably thinking, “Son of a bitch, not another goddamn award show.” While it’s true that most award shows suck, this one sucked a little less.

WHAT ELSE?
Host John Cena’s opening monologue was on point, as he barbed J.R. Smith for actually wearing a shirt, Roger Goodell for being a maniacal, manipulative string-puller, and Peyton Manning and Kobe Bryant for their strikingly-similar final games (memorable, with no passing). Well done, Doctor of Thuganomics. The show wasn’t without its poignant moments, however, with NBA stars LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, and Carmelo Anthony delivering a powerful message about ending police/race-related violence. Also, sideline reporter Craig Sager, who is dying of leukemia, gave a warm, tear-inducing speech as he accepted the Jimmy V Perseverance Award. In typical Sager fashion, he did so in an ungodly colorful sport coat. #SagerStrong. And now, onto the awards:

Best Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
Best Male Athlete: LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Best Female Athlete: Breanna Stewart, UConn women's basketball
Best Record-Breaking Performance: Stephen Curry, Golden State Warriors (NBA record 402 3-pointers in a season)
Best Breakthrough Athlete: Jake Arrieta, Chicago Cubs (2015 NL Cy Young winner)

Check out the full list right here.

THOUGHTS?
Bar none, the best moment of the night came from a (probably) drunk Lindsey Vonn, who was very handsy with J.J. Watt on the red carpet during a live interview, caressing his biceps while discussing "lots of massages" to his "groin area." Keep it in your pants, Linds.

Good Sport
Hack-a-Shaq Taken Down A Notch
Intentional fouling in the NBA is perhaps the worst thing that's ever happened in human history (understatement). It's universally despised because it slows the pace of the game to a crawl, taking years off viewers' lives. Often referred to as the "Hack-a-Shaq," because Shaq is so awful at free throws, the strategy behind intentionally fouling is to stop the clock, and force the opposing team's worst free throw player to the line with hopes that they miss. When this strategy is implemented every five seconds, however, the end of a game can stretch into forever. The good news is the NBA has taken a step, albeit a small one, to rectify this iniquity by applying the fourth quarter, under two-minute penalty (fouled team is awarded one free throw and retains possession of the ball) to all quarters. Sure, players can still foul each other for the other 40 minutes of a game, but it's a start.

Honorable Mention: Soccer players Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi made the top 10 in Forbes' list of the 100 highest-earning celebrities, hauling in $88 million (#4) and $81.5 million (#8), respectively. Taylor Swift and One Direction topped the list, which is a direct reflection of our crumbling society. The end is nigh.

Bad Sport
Purge Pending
In response to Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell's Instagram post showing an illustration of a cop being violently murdered, Cleveland Police have threatened to pull officers from stadium duty on Browns game days this season unless Crowell makes a donation to the families of the slain Dallas officers. Crowell posted a video on Facebook saying he'll donate his first game check of the season to the Dallas Fallen Officers Foundation, which is great, but we would've loved to have see what a real-life Purge would look like at an NFL stadium.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Ukrainian weightlifter Yuliya Kalina was stripped of her 2012 Olympic bronze medal after blood samples tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Shameful, Yuliya. If you're going to dope, at least dope enough to earn a gold medal.

Athlete Name of the Week
Dong Dong. The Chinese trampoline gymnast will look to defend his 2012 Olympic gold medal at the Rio Games in August. We whipped out a video of China's petite Dong (5' 6") performing his 2012 gold medal routine for you to point and laugh at. Enjoy!

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of 'the spirit' grabbing a Boston Crusaders Drum and Bugle Corps keyboardist. Winner gets a Good Old Sport baseball tee to cover their eyes so they don't become possessed too.

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
GOLF. British Open, First-Round Play - 6am on Golf Channel; British Open, Second-Round Play - 1:30am on Golf Channel
CYCLING. Tour de France: Stage 12 - 8am on NBC Sports
NBA SUMMER BASKETBALL. Las Vegas second-round playoff - 4pm and 6pm on ESPN2
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