Rich Kids Of Instagram, Wet Your Whistle Wednesday, & Eight Years Late.
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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
The 2016 Rio Summer Olympic Games will be a lot of fun… if any athletes show up.

31 yet-to-be-revealed athletes from 12 countries are expected to be banned from the games after the IOC (International Olympics Committee) retested urine samples from the 2008 games, and found traces of performance enhancing drugs. Kudos to the crack team at the IOC who discovered the wrongdoing just eight years after the fact. We can't wait to see who'll be banned from the 2024 Olympics for doping in this year’s games.

But wait, there’s more! All of Russia’s track and field athletes are currently banned from international events, including the Olympics. Russian officials are in the midst of pleading their case to reinstate their athletes, but the fact that Russian athletes might also be involved in the aforementioned 2008 scandal may leave them up a Rio-style shit creek without a paddle.

We haven’t even mentioned the athletes who can go, but won’t. Several athletes have publicly stated they’re strongly considering abstaining from the games because of the Zika virus, while golfer Marc Leishman has already pulled out. Not to worry, Olympians, Eduardo Paes (Rio’s dipshit mayor, pictured above) says Zika is “not a big issue” for the Olympics, despite the virus being named a “global emergency” by the World Health Organization. See, it’s all good!

Good Sport
Mutombo The Mystic
The Philadelphia 76ers took a step toward being a terrible team (instead of the ultra shitty team they currently are) by winning the NBA draft lottery last night, which gives them the first-overall pick in the 2016 NBA Draft. Thank god they did, because former Sixer Dikembe Mutombo prematurely ejaculated a Tweet before the lottery congratulating Philly on getting the top pick. Does he know something we don't? How could he have known the pick in advance? Let's make sure this gets placed next to JFK and 9/11 as America's foremost conspiracy theories. As for the other top picks, the Los Angeles Lakers nabbed the second pick, while the Boston Celtics, Phoenix Suns, and Minnesota Timberwolves rounded out the top five.

Bad Sport
You're Fired
Queue Donald Trump's favorite line, because the Atlanta Braves shitcanned manager Fredi Gonzalez after posting an abysmal 9-28 record (worst in the majors) to start the season. Brian Snitker, the Braves Triple-A manager, will move up to takeover as the interim coach.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: University of Alabama football players Cam Robinson and Laurence Jones fancy themselves as modern-day Tony Montanas. They were arrested yesterday morning on drug and weapons charges.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Texas Rangers infielder Rougned Odor has been suspended eight games for that face-rearranging punch he laid on José Bautista. A total of 14 players were disciplined for the brawl.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
This week's booze selection is truly the breakfast of champions... the Bloody Mary. 
It's likely there's more possible combinations to make a Bloody Mary than there is to solve a Rubik's Cube, which has 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 possible configurations. They all include varying amounts of tomato juice, vodka, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, salt/pepper, lemon juice, etc. It can be a pain in the ass to put together, so we recommend making someone else do all the work. Enter Zing Zang's Bloody Mary Mix, which we believe to be the best of the bunch. It tastes great, and all you have to do is add as much or as little vodka as you want, depending on when you'd like your afternoon nap to start. Making yourself a Bloody for breakfast is sophisticated as hell, and is easily the best (and most socially acceptable) way to fall into a drunken stupor before noon. Cheers, and good morning!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Nationals at Mets - 7pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Thunder at Warriors - 9pm on TNT (Thunder lead 1-0)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 3: Penguins at Lightning - 8pm on NBC Sports (series tied 1-1)
SOCCER. Europa League Soccer: Liverpool vs. Sevilla - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
CYCLING. Tour of California: Stage 4 - 5pm on NBC Sports
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