Dingers Galore, Chloë Grace Moretz, & Happy Birthday To Me.
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Monday, May 16, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • The Raptors' Hotline Bling. Get ready for more Drake, because the rap superstar's favorite team (Toronto Raptors) eliminated the Miami Heat in a 116-89, Game 7 win, which advances the Raptors to the Eastern Conference Finals against LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Here's to Drake whispering more sweet nothings into opponents' ears from his courtside seats.
  • Dingers Galore. After hitting a dinger against the St. Louis Cardinals, LA Angels first baseman Albert Pujols is now the ninth active player to hit a home run against all 30 teams. Elsewhere, New York Yankees slugger Carlos Beltrán, whose name doesn't make us immediately think of a butthole (sorry, Pujols, but that name is a wreck), hit his 400th career home run yesterday.
  • Knuckle Sandwich. Texas Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor force-fed José Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays the most epic of knuckle sandwiches yesterday (below) after Bautista's aggressive illegal slide, in a fight that saw Odor, Bautista, and four others ejected.

The Main Event
FC Barcelona whooped Granada 3-0 on Saturday to win the 2015-16 La Liga (Spanish soccer league) title.

The win gave Barca their second-consecutive La Liga title, and 24th overall, which is the second-most of any team in league history (Real Madrid, 32). Barca can thank odaxelagnia enthusiast Luis Suárez for the win, seeing as he scored all three goals in their title-clinching match. It's par for the course for Suárez, who scored 14 goals in Barca's final five games, and 40 goals this season to win the "European Golden Shoe," given to Europe's top scorer.

Of the 85 La Liga seasons played, Barca and Real Madrid have combined to win the title 56 times. Moral of the story? If you play in La Liga but aren't on Barca or Real, you're gonna have a bad time.

Good Sport
Happy Birthday To Me
After experiencing a California-sized drought, human thigh muscle Serena Williams won her first tennis title in nine months by beating Madison Keys in the Italian Open Final yesterday. As for the men, Andy Murray gave himself a nice birthday gift by beating Novak Djokovic to win his first Italian Open title.

Honorable Mention: Call it a comeback - Samoa came back from 26-7 down to beat Fiji 29-26, giving Somoa the 2016 Paris Sevens title (a 16-team rugby tournament).

Bad Sport
Suspect Ending
The final day of the 2015-2016 Premier League season went out with a bang... almost. The Manchester United vs. Bournemouth match yesterday was postponed until Tuesday due to a "suspect package" that was found in a Manchester stadium bathroom, which was later detonated via controlled explosion by a bomb disposal team. The package was later determined to be a "security training device" left by a private company, but we wouldn't put it past a United fan leaving it behind to avoid watching one more game in Man U's shit season.

Related: Bundesliga (German soccer league) also ended yesterday, albeit with less bomb threats. Bayern Munich were crowned league champions for the 25th time.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Max Verstappen. The 18-year-old Formula One driver became the youngest ever to win a Formula One race with a victory at the Spanish Grand Prix. Verstappen was born in 1997, the same year as Chloë Grace Moretz... whom it's now totally legal and okay to look at sexy pictures of.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Alexander Povetkin. The Russian UFC fighter's bout next Saturday against WBC heavyweight champ Deontay Wilder was cancelled due to Povetkin testing positive for Meldronium, like every other Russian athlete in the world has.

Related: Unlike Povetkin, Cleveland-native Stipe Miocic managed to say no to drugs, knocking out Fabricio Werdum to claim the UFC heavyweight title, while giving Cleveland sports fans a reason to consider opting out of suicide.

Tweet of the Weekend
"Nice to see the @pgatour got out their windmills and clown mouths today!" - Scott Piercy

The pro golfer compared The Players Championship to a Happy Gilmore putt-putt course due to awful putting conditions caused by shit weather. There were 149 three-puts from the field in Round 3, the most in any round in tournament history. Jason Day went on to win the tournament by four stokes (-15).

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Red Sox at Royals - 7pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Thunder at Warriors - 9pm on TNT
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Lightning at Penguins - 8pm on NBC Sports (Lightning lead 1-0)
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