Bungholes, Butter Fingers, & Hazing Rules.
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Friday, September 30, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Joe Blow Beats Rory. Who's better than Rory McIlroy at golf? Apparently any swingin' dick. After a fan heckled McIlroy for missing a putt during a practice round at the Ryder Cup, McIlroy called out the fan and challenged him to make the same putt. Of course, the fan sank it. More on the Ryder Cup in a moment.
  • Yawn. The Thursday Night Football game was boring and the color rush uniforms sucked shit, so we won't waste anymore time on it and just tell you the Cincinnati Bengals beat the Miami Dolphins 22-7.
  • Paul Hex. Welp, the LA Clippers are doomed. Perpetually tired-looking forward Paul Pierce claims the Clips are a "super team." Hopefully they'll be a little more "super" than the Philadelphia Eagles' "Dream Team" in 2011 (they went 8-8 and missed the playoffs).
  • HAHA. Terrelle Pryor, the Cleveland Browns' delusional wide receiver, believes the Browns can win out. LOL, thanks, Terrelle. We always appreciate a good laugh to end the week. DeAngelo Williams does too.
  • They Both Suck. San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's stance on protesting the National Anthem may split opinions, but his take on the first presidential debate was spot on, "Both are proven liars, and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist."
  • Musical Threads. A grip of music artists designed NFL team shirts for 30 squads. Some teams got lucky with artist like Eminem (Lions) and ZZ Top (Texans), while others got hosed with Fergie (Dolphins) and Daughtry (Panthers). Check out the whole batch here.

The Main Event
Are Americans better than Europeans at golf? We’re sure as hell going to find out at the 2016 Ryder Cup, which starts today at the Hazeltine National Golf Club in Minnesota.

The Ryder Cup is a biennial men’s golf tournament between teams from the U.S. and Europe. 24 golfers will compete in the 2016 Cup, with 12 players for Europe and 12 for the States. Veteran Davis Love III was selected as America’s captain (yes, it took some effort not to call Davis “Captain America” there), and will preside over dope players like Dustin Johnson, Rickie Fowler, and Jordan Spieth. It’s no surprise with players like that the U.S. is favored to win, despite losing the last three consecutive Ryder Cups. So to answer the above question if Americans are better than Europeans at golf, it’s a hard “no”… for the time being. We’ll see if that changes by tournament’s end on Sunday.

What we do know for sure is that Bill Murray is already the winner of this year’s Ryder Cup. He helped himself to a fan’s beer during Tuesday’s celebrity match, which also featured Michael Phelps, Kelly Slater, Kurt Russel, and Niall Horan (the douchebag from One Direction with the bleach job).

The best part about the Ryder Cup is the surprisingly drunk, rowdy, and often shirtless fans. Golf crowds can be a little stale, so it’s refreshing to see a group of fans that have no qualms wildly booing the opposition’s successes and cheering their failures (traditionally a no-no in golf). When you get a professional golfer to angrily point at you in the crowd, you’ve clearly won.

Good Sport
Should Have Been A Janitor
Cleveland Cavaliers owner, and noted asshole, Dan Gilbert may not be such a prick after all. Not only are the players, coaches, and executives getting NBA championship rings, but more than 1,000 janitors, food vendors, police and others who work at Quicken Loans Arena are getting rings too. They reportedly won't be the same diamond-encrusted rings the players will get, but still.

Honorable Mention: Hey, Team Canada won that hockey tournament you haven't been watching! With two late goals, the poutine-pushers topped Team Europe 2-1 in game two of a best-of-three series to win the World Cup of Hockey.

Hazing Rules
Even in this PC world, hazing can still be great. Exhibit A - The Seattle Mariners' rookie hazing ritual:

Bad Sport
Eight current and former Premier League soccer managers are in deep shit after being accused of taking transfer “bungs,” which are apparently illegal payments that are likened to a “bonus or kickback.” The managers were allegedly caught by undercover reporters from The Telegraph, who recorded conversations with soccer agents that boasted about “paying managers under the table.” The repercussions of these allegations remain to be seen, but don’t be surprised if some of these agents are discovered in the English channel wearing cement shoes in the coming months.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
José Fernández, and tributes to his life. The young, talented Miami Marlins pitcher lost his life on Sunday, and tributes to his life were memorable and awesome. First, every member of the Marlins wore his #16 jersey to honor him in a win on Monday night. In the same game, Dee Gordon hit a leadoff homer, then wept and pointed to the sky as he crossed home plate. Later in the week Fernández’s childhood friend from Cuba, Aledmys Díaz, who happens to play for the Cardinals, hit the first grand slam of his career in his first game back after attended a memorial for Fernández. Great stuff.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
A Butter-Fingered Yankees Fan. As if proposing at a baseball game isn’t cliché and painful enough already, this bozo dropped the ring while proposing to his girlfriend on the Jumbotron in front of 50,000 people. The ring was found after a few minutes, and she said yes to a lifetime of dropped items around the house.

Quote of the Week
"“I haven't stood for the national anthem in, oh, four years or so ... Just sayin’” - Steve Gleason

The former New Orleans Saints special teamer, famous for his blocked punt in the Saints’ first game at the Superdome following Hurricane Katrina, had the best take on the National Anthem protests yet. Gleason suffers from ALS and has been confined to a wheelchair for several years.

Good Old Caption Winner
"No need for concussion protocol. He looks fine to me. - Roger Goodell" - Eric Anderson

It looks like Eric could be Goodell's next Chief Medical Officer. Remember to drink enough beer with your Good Old Sport koozie that you'll feel like you got a concussion the next morning.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Is it possible to watch sports for every waking moment this weekend? Only one way to find out.
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