Wasted, Top 100, & Dancing Brady.
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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Have You Seen Molly? Coming as a surprise to college students, the Coachella Valley isn’t just a place where you can absorb copious amounts of molly and shitty EDM music. It’s also home to the 2016 BNP Paribas Open (also known as the Indian Wells Masters), a singles and doubles tennis tournament that starts today and runs through March 20th. Anybody who’s anybody will be there, including Serena and Venus Williams, Andy Murray, and Novak Djokovic, who has won men’s singles at the tournament the last two years in a row.
  • 100 Best. Sports Illustrated released their "100 Greatest Moments In Sports History." We'd say it's worth a watch, but we can't in good conscience recommend these rankings given that "Miracle On Ice" was chosen over Mark Sanchez's butt-fumble as the greatest sports moment ever. Have some respect for the classics.
  • Wasted. Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson has officially retired from the NFL, which means the Lions have officially wasted the career of another once-in-a-generation player. Somewhere, Barry Sanders is crying.
  • Fallout. After revealing she failed a drug test, sponsors are running away from embattled tennis star Maria Sharapova faster than shit through a goose. Nike, TAG Heuer, and Porsche are the big names to ditch her so far.
  • So Many Champions. The UEFA Champions League, one of way too many European soccer leagues to keep track of, is in the second leg of its "Round of 16" knockout phase. Wolfsburg and Real Madrid won their matches yesterday, and are the first two teams to advance to the quarterfinals (final eight). Round of 16 play will continue through March 16th, with defending Champions League champions (so many champions) Barcelona going up against Arsenal on 3/16.

The Main Event
The NCAA loves college basketball tournaments almost as much as they love not paying student athletes. The week before March Madness (the 68-team tournament that completely destroys office productivity) a series of tournaments takes place in a week called "Championship Week." Think of these extra tournaments as foreplay. They're just something you have to get through before you can enjoy the real action.

Championship Week differs from the March Madness tournament in that teams play against the other schools in their conference (think Pac-12, SEC, etc.), with the winner receiving an automatic bid into The Big Dance. For many smaller schools with hopes of becoming this year's Cinderella story, the only way they can advance into March Madness is to win their conference's championship.

On the other end of the spectrum, high-profile schools' Championship Week performances won't effect them getting into March Madness, but it could impact their seed. There are four #1 seeds in the March Madness tournament, and the higher you rank, the easier your schedule. For teams like #1 Kansas, #2 Michigan St., and #3 Villanova, winning their respective conferences will practically guarantee them a #1 seed come the Madness. Keep track of all the conference winners right here.

It's time for you to pretend you've been following college basketball all year, because the Good Old Sport March Madness Tournament has arrived! Brackets aren't available until after Selection Sunday (3/13), but register now using this link (the password is "coach") so you don't miss out! The winner gets a $100 American Express Gift Card, which is just as good as cash money. To enter you'll need to create a CBS.com account, which literally takes less time than it took you to read this sentence. It'll be worth it when you turn your winning gift card into a hundred one-dollar bills so you can give yourself a Cartman-style money shower in front of your very jealous friends.

Good Sport
It's Football Season (Sort Of)
Today marks the official start of the 2016 NFL season! With that, free agency opens at 4pm (ET) this afternoon. Here's some of the notable players (so far) that have had some shiny new coin thrown their way.
Check out the latest and greatest on free agent comings and goings right here.

Bad Sport
19-year-old Boston Red Sox pitching prospect Michael Kopech is already making an impression... as a f*ckup. Among Kopech's many contemptible traits, he has the poor judgement of Maria Sharapova, and the right hook of Blake Griffin. Last summer he was suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance, and yesterday it was revealed he broke his hand during a fight with a teammate. Kopech's immaturity will again cause him to miss more playing time. It may serve the Red Sox to make this little boy face a wall with his thumb in his mouth so he can think about what he's done.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Boston Celtics point guard Marcus Smart has been fined $15k for making an "obscene gesture at a ref" (spoiler alert: grabbing his dick and balls) after being called for an offensive foul during the Celtics' 105-104 win over the New York Knicks on Friday.

Never Forget
Former New England Patriots quarterback Doug Flutie made the cut, but never forget the reason why current Pats QB Tom Brady has never been invited to be on Dancing with the Stars. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Grizzlies at Celtics - 7pm on ESPN; Clippers at Thunder - 9:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Blackhawks at Blues - 8pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. ACC Basketball Tournament: Syracuse vs. Pitt - 12pm on ESPN; ACC Basketball Tournament: North Carolina State vs. Duke - 2pm on ESPN; Big Ten Basketball Tournament: Minnesota vs. Illinois - 4:30pm on ESPN2; ACC Basketball Tournament: Georgia Tech vs. Clemson - 7pm on ESPN2; Big East Basketball Tournament: DePaul vs. Georgetown - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; ACC Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Virginia Tech - 9pm on ESPN2; Big East Basketball Tournament: Marquette vs St. John's - 9:30pm on Fox Sports 1
SOCCER. Champions League: Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Benfica - 12pm on Fox Sports 1; Chelsea vs. Paris Saint-Germain - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Thailand Classic, First-Round Play - 11pm on Golf Channel
TENNIS. BNP Paribas Open - 2pm on Tennis Channel
JIMMY FALLON. Recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning stops by The Tonight Show to definitely not talk about his old Tennessee sex assault case or recent connection to HGH. Instead, expect Fallon to keep the subject matter light, like forcing Manning to crack eggs over his giant forehead - 11:35pm on NBC
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