Fun Police, Dirty Dorsey, & A Chinese MVP.
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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
It's finally March, and you know what that means...

We're just a couple weeks away from arguably the best tournament, and inarguable the best betting tournament, in sports; March Madness. 68 college basketball teams will be chosen on "Selection Sunday" (March 13), with the first round beginning two days later on the 15th. The beginning of the first round will also mark the implosion of your bracket, which you really thought you nailed this time.

So who's going to win this thing? After their 10th straight win against #23 Texas last night (an 86-56 ass-whipping), the Kansas Jayhawks have clinched their 12th straight Big 12 championship, secured the number one spot in the AP Top 25 Poll, and are well on their way toward locking down the #1 seed in the tournament. If you're going to pick one team to disappoint as your championship "lock" this year, Kansas should be it.

Have Carol in HR pick the teams for your bracket this year, because spending any amount of time analyzing statistics to determine probable winners is an exercise in futility. Nine out of the top 11 teams in the country lost last week, which should serve as a prime example as to why you should put minimal thought into your bracket. Carol picks teams based on their pretty colors and fun mascots, and she wins every goddamn year. Be more like Carol.

Good Sport
One League's Trash Is Another's Treasure
NBA washout Michael Beasley, formerly of the Heat, Timberwolves, and Suns, has been named MVP of the CBA (Chinese Basketball Association). Playing for the Shandong Golden Stars, Beasley averaged an impressive 31.9 points and 13.4 rebounds per game. But if we're being honest, a black guy playing in a Chinese basketball league seems about as fair as an Asian accountant competing against a group of third-grade mathletes at the AMC (American Mathematics Competition). Beasley's former teammate Dwyane Wade certainly thought as much. When asked about Beasley's CBA MVP, Wade immediately questioned the level of competition he was up against, saying, "I want to know who he's playing against." No love lost here.

Honorable Mention: FC Barcelona superstar Lionel Messi scored on a free kick to give his squad a 2-1 victory over Sevilla. Moreover, the strike gives Messi at least 30 goals in eight consecutive seasons.

Bad Sport
Dirty Dorsey
The University of Minnesota men's basketball team suspended three players for Sunday's 84-71 loss against Illinois, and we've now found out the awesome reason why. Kevin Dorsey posted two videos on his Twitter account of himself and another dude Eiffel-Towering a chick. The posts, and his entire account, were deleted within 30 minutes... but this is the internet, where nothing can be unseen. The two other suspended players, Nate Mason and Dupree McBrayer, were not seen on the video, so it's difficult to determine what role, if any, they played in the amateur film. Fluffers?

Lazy Ass-thlete of the Week
LeBron James wasn't even remotely interested in playing defense after Paul George intercepted a pass and took it for two. Fortunately for LeBron, the Cavs still beat the Pacers 100-96. Unfortunately for LeBron, he's still our Lazy Ass-thlete of the Week.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Penguins at Capitals - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Kentucky at Florida - 7pm on ESPN; Baylor at Oklahoma - 8pm on ESPN2; Indiana at Iowa - 9pm on ESPN; Georgetown at Marquette - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
SOCCER. Bundesliga: Hannover 96 vs. Wolfsburg - 2pm on Fox Sports 1; Premier League: Leicester City vs. West Brom - 2:40pm on NBC Sports
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