NHL All-Star Game > NFL Pro Bowl, Hole In One, & We're Not Detroit!
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Monday, February 1, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
Novak Djokovic cruises, Serena Williams loses in the men's and women's tennis finals at the Australian Open.

Novak Djokovic's victory over Andy Murray in the men's final was as sweet for Djokovic as it was painful for Murray. The win, which took just three sets, gives Djokovic 11 major singles titles (fifth all-time) and his sixth win in the Australian Open (tied for most). Murray made history by becoming the first man to go 0-5 in the finals at a single major tournament, a streak of big-stage breakdowns that can only be rivaled by the Buffalo Bills' four-consecutive Super Bowl losses.

Entering the final, Serena Williams was also knocking on history's door, but it wasn't to be. She was denied her 22nd major title, which would have tied her with Steffi Graf for most all-time, when she was upset by Angelique Kerber in three sets. Kerber deserves all the credit in the world for the win, but it's worth noting that 46 unforced errors by a surprisingly sloppy Williams certainly helped Kerber's cause.

Perhaps Williams was distracted by the down under dipshit who wore "blackface" during the match. The "fan" proudly rocked the racist face paint and waved a sign that read, "Keep Calm and be Serena," in an incredibly insensitive gesture anyone would find racist except the fan, and perhaps tennis player Nick Kyrgios.

Good Sport
The NHL All-Star game happened yesterday, and it was a great time. The new format, which features a tournament-style bracket comprised of teams representing the four divisions in hockey, was a hit. The two semifinal games combined for a ridiculous 22 goals, including two goals from Pacific Division All-Stars captain John Scott, the NHL’s feel good story of the year, which landed him MVP Honors. The Pacific Division would go on to the win the All-Star tournament in a surprisingly intense 1-0 victory over the Atlantic Division. The intensity can likely be attributed to the new 3-on-3 format, and million dollar check for the winning squad. San Jose Sharks defenseman Brent Burns commented on the high-octane environment, saying, “All the boys in here were dripping with sweat, and it felt good.”

Bad Sport
The NFL Pro Bowl happened yesterday, and it sucked shit. “Team Irvine” blew out “Team Rice” 49-27 in front of a half-empty stadium in Honolulu. The game, yet again, devolved into a glorified version of two-hand touch featuring players who clearly showed up just for the free trip to Hawaii. In fact, not even a free trip to Hawaii was enough incentive to get the NFL’s best to show up. 47 players who were invited declined to attend. Injury concerns were partly to blame, but it’s more likely players didn’t show up because they “despise” the ridiculous exhibition game. You go to hell, Pro Bowl. You go to hell and you die.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Calvin Johnson. The Detroit Lions wide reciever is set to retire after posting 731 receptions and 11,619 receiving yards, both franchise records, over nine incredible seasons. Like fellow motor city legend Barry Sanders, Johnson will be remembered as one of the NFL's all-time greats at their position whose career was completely wasted by the Detroit Lions. Detroit, it's shit like this that makes you a perennial punchline... even for Cleveland.

Honorable Mention: Following Happy Gilmore's advice, South Korea's Ha Na Jang hit a 218-yard ace on a par-4, the first hole-in-one on a par-4 in LPGA history.

Honorable Mention: Branden Grace, world No. 11 golfer, wins the Qatar Masters.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Femke Van den Driessche. The Belgian cyclist is being investigated for using a motorized bike at the cyclo-cross World Championships. Van den Driessche, who was a pre-race favorite, is the first rider to be discovered using a motor, and will face a fine of up to 200,000 Swiss Francs ($195k) and a six month suspension. Her (no joke) defense was: "I don’t know how that bike got there... that bike belongs to a friend of mine." The same excuse an eighth-grader pulls out when mom finds weed in their sock drawer.

Quote of the Weekend
"LeBron gets criticized. Jesus still gets criticized." - D’Angelo Russell

The Los Angeles Lakers 19-year-old point guard is the biggest thing since Jesus according to him. Russel responded to criticisms about his unspectacular rookie season by drawing parallels to himself, fellow basketball player LeBron James, and the central figure of Christianity.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NFL. Super Bowl Media Day - 8pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. (women's) Notre Dame at Duke - 6pm on ESPN2; North Carolina at Louisville - 7pm on ESPN; Texas at Baylor - 9pm on ESPN; (women's) Arizona State at Oregon State - 11pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. Premier League Transfer Deadline Day Show - 5pm on NBC Sports
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