Don't Be Like Mike, Officer Dick, & Darth Maul.
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Thursday, August 4, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
The International Olympic Committee announced that five new sports will be added to the Olympic Games, probably because, as previously mentioned, people don't give a shit about the Olympics anymore and the IOC needs to spice things up a bit.

Baseball/Softball, Karate, Skateboarding, Sports Climbing, and Surfing have all been added to the docket for the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo in an effort to reach younger viewers. Admitting that current Olympic events are boring as all hell, in so many words, IOC President Thomas Bach said, “We want to take sport to the youth. With the many options that young people have, we cannot expect any more that they will come automatically to us. We have to go to them." That's fine, but where the hell was this push 15 years ago when people still gave a shit about skateboarding? You know, when the sport's only household name was still relevant. Although, we'd definitely watch Olympic skateboarding if classic Tony Hawk's Pro Skater secret characters like Officer Dick and Darth Maul make an appearance.

Don't get too comfortable, Sk8er Bois, because, like the other newly-added sports, skateboarding has only been added to the 2020 Games, with a re-evaluation of its status as an Olympic sport to be conducted after the Tokyo Olympics.

We can't wait for the American baseball squad to crash and burn on a global stage, as they're prone to do, but still call themselves "world champions" when winning MLB's domestic World Series without any sense of irony.

Good Sport
Business As Usual
As expected, U.S. women's soccer squashed New Zealand yesterday by blanking the Kiwis 2-0 thanks to goals by World Cup hero Carli Lloyd and very not-ugly forward Alex Morgan. The win was the 12th-straight Olympic victory for the future gold-medal winning squad, who will play the frogs in their next match on Saturday.

Honorable Mention: Get this man a contract! Former tennis star John McEnroe has a goddamn cannon for an arm, as is evident by this ceremonial first pitch he threw at a New York Mets game this week.
Somewhat Related: Nine-year-old Zion Harvey, the first kid in the world to receive a bilateral hand transplant, threw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game. Yes, it was a way better throw than Carly Rae Jepsen's piss effort.

Bad Sport
A Pretend Mugging With Real Consequences
Today's racially-fueled disharmony may be between black people and police, but the race-related strife of the very near future will be between black people and Rio Olympic organizers. A dress rehearsal for the opening ceremonies, witnessed by thousands of people, included a moment when supermodel Gisele Bundchen was "robbed by a black kid from the slums." Unfortunately, organizers have wised-up and will reportedly cut the skit. Damn, what an entertaining shit show that would've been.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Tied 4-4 with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, Miami Marlins pitcher A.J. Ramos slung a despicably wild pitch to gift-wrap a win for the Chicago Cubs. Fortunately for us, the Marlins' Twitter account shared a GIF of manager Don Mattingly at the exact moment his heart ripped in two, having watched his team piss away a Major League game Little League-style.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of a (what we assume to be typical?) Japanese baseball first pitch. Winner gets a Good Old Sport baseball tee to wipe away the sweat from the fevered-dreams this gif is sure to induce.

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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016: SOCCER. Men's: Iraq vs. Denmark - 12pm on NBC Sports; Men's Brazil vs. South Africa - 3pm on NBC Sports; Men's: Portugal vs. Argentina - 5pm on NBC Sports; Men's: Fiji vs. South Korea - 7pm on NBC Sports; Men's: Nigeria vs. Japan - 9pm on NBC Sports
GOLF. Saltire Energy Paul Lawrie MatchPlay, First-Round Play - 11am on Golf Channel; U.S. Women's Amateur, Second-Round Play - 3pm on Fox Sports 1; PGA Tour: Travelers Championship, First-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel
CFL FOOTBALL. BC at Montreal - 7pm on ESPN2; Saskatchewan at Calgary - 10pm on ESPN2
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