The Hateful Eight Iron, Zizou Time, & A Rosy-Red Retirement.
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Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Like Playbook: Oops! I Crapped My Pants on Facebook

Quick Hits
  • Busted Brown. The Cleveland Browns are "so done" with Johnny Manziel and his antics. Or was it Billy Manziel? The Browns' booze-soaked quarterback reportedly showed up to a Vegas nightclub on Saturday going by the name "Billy," and was dressed in a wig, fake mustache, and sun glasses, as to not be recognized. No, we're not making this up. Yes, we already think this will go down as the greatest sports story of 2016.
  • Muppet Milestone. Muffet McGraw, whose name sounds more like a Sesame Street character's than a women's basketball coach, reached 800 wins with Notre Dame, becoming the tenth NCAA coach to reach the milestone.
  • Beat Up Brady. An MRI revealed New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has a sprained ankle and bruised ribs after taking a few licks from Miami Dolphins bruiser Ndamukong Suh. At least Suh didn't bust out the Seth Rollins Curb Stomp, which he's been known to do.
  • The Hateful Eight Iron. Bad mother f*cker Samuel L. Jackson says Donald Trump cheats at golf. Not a smart move by Trump, considering the vengeance Jackson's been known to deal out in the past.
  • Blue Balls. After watching the Bruins get their asses kicked in the Winter Classic, the Boston Celtics are interested in hosting an outdoor game of their own at Fenway Park. Most of the NHL and NBA seasons are played during winter, so it seems one of these sports is more suitable for an outdoor game than the other... perhaps the one that's played on ice, not the one played wearing shorts and sleeveless tanks.
  • Settling For Third (Maybe). The U.S. Junior Hockey team lost to Russia 2-1, and will play Sweden in the Bronze medal game. Russia and Sweden, two perennial powers in hockey and not much else, will play today for the World Junior Ice Hockey Championship.
  • Three Hits. I hit you, you get hit by a lacrosse ball, you hit the ground. That was the case for lacrosse player Zack Greer, who got sucker punched in the head, then hit in the face by a ball just a split-second later (from his own teammate, no less) before finally falling to the turf.
  • Zizou Time. Real Madrid sucks, so they fired their manager, Rafa Benitez. He's been replaced by French soccer legend Zinedine "Zizou" Zidane, who has shockingly little coaching experience. We're hoping Zizou's coaching tactics focus solely on headbutting opponents into submission, which he executed so perfectly in the 2006 World Cup.
  • #ChuckStays. Just days after it was reported the Indianapolis Colts would fire head coach Chuck Pagano, Indy signed him to a four-year contract extension, to the pleasure of his players and confusion of everyone else.
  • Thrice As Nice. The two top teams in college basketball squared off last night, and boy did they deliver. #1 Kansas took out #2 Oklahoma 109-106 in a triple overtime thriller.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Tennis is back. F*ck ya.

WHAT ELSE?
The 2016 ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) and WTA (Women's Tennis Association) circuits kicked off yesterday, with a number of individual and team tournaments popping up across the globe. World No. 1 Novak Djokovic started off his season with a win at the Qatar Open, picking up right where he left off after winning three of four majors in 2015, a season considered by many to be the greatest in men's tennis history. Along with Djokovic, all the other household names of tennis are back in action, including: Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, and Venus Williams. The notable name missing from this batch being Serena Williams, who pulled out of early-season competition due to a knee injury.

THOUGHTS?
If the aforementioned household names don't ring a bell, consider investing some time in following tennis this year. It's surprisingly entertaining, and if you can sit through a baseball game, you can sure as hell make it through a tennis match. We promise it's not just a sport for old people, although SNL's "Oops! I Crapped My Pants" makes a convincing case for the contrary.

NFL Pick 'Em Results - Week 17
Sean Woods of Newport Beach, CA is the Good Old Sport Pick 'Em Challenge champion for the last week of the regular season! A GOS t-shirt is on the way for your trouble.

The best of the rest include:

1. Sean Woods (12-4; 49*)
T-2. Tory Avikian (11-5; 48*)
T-2. Dave Norman (11-5; 48*)
4. Jesse Knaack (10-6; 37*)
5. Taylor Foster (10-6; 45*)

*Total points estimate for Sunday Night Football. Actual: 33

And now... the playoffs.

GET YOUR WILD CARD WEEKEND PICKS IN NOW. We'll be keeping tabs on submissions throughout the playoffs, and whoever has the most wins after the Super Bowl gets a $25 gift card to NFLShop.com!

Good Sport
A ROSY-RED RETIREMENT
After a mostly-successful 12-year run, Tom Coughlin has stepped down as head coach of the New York Giants. The surly coach could be likened to a stern, Asian father; always pissed off even when you do things right (B+?!). One of our fondest Coughlin memories were his rosy-red cheeks in the 2007 NFC Championship game, where blisteringly-cold temperatures literally destroyed every capillary in his face, turning it as red as Eli Manning's mug when he angrily found out he'd been drafted by the Chargers. We'll also always thank him for the two Super Bowls he won over the New England Patriots, which birthed the dejected Tom Brady meme that even made its way onto South Park, where they had him shit his pants for added effect because it's South Park... and it's all thanks to Coughlin.

Bad Sport
KIDS TODAY
Fans are pissed about the Phoenix Suns' nightmare season (12-25), and Suns owner Robert Sarver thinks Millennials (and power forward Markieff Morris) are to blame. Old-man Sarver believes the entire generation can't handle disappointment (i.e., the Suns' epic failure of a season), saying, "My whole view of the millennial culture is that they have a tough time dealing with setbacks... I’m not sure if it’s the technology or the instant gratification of being online." He went on to point a finger at social media, declaring, "I’m not a fan of social media. I tell my kids it’s like Fantasy Land. The only thing people put online are good things that happen to them, or things they make up. And it creates unrealistic expectations." Sure, Sarver, it's the Millennials fault your team sucks, with their fancy skateboards and color TVs, not your out-of-touch outlook and complete inability to run an NBA franchise.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Canadiens at Flyers - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Wisconsin at Indiana - 7pm on ESPN; Marquette at Providence - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; Oklahoma State at Baylor - 8pm on ESPN2; Kentucky at LSU - 9pm on ESPN; Georgetown at Creighton - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
STREET BASKETBALL. Harlem Globetrotters 90th Season Special - 7pm on ESPN2
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