The Lonesome Kicker, Two Charlie Sheens, & Goldberg's Back.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Big Papi. David Ortiz, the Red Sox DH, played his final MLB game thanks to the Cleveland Indians, whose 4-3 win over Boston sent them home. After the game, a teary Ortiz took the field to thank the Boston fans - who are good when they're on your side, horrible when they're not.
  • Save Those Tears. Unlike Big Papi, the San Francisco Giants don't have to worry about crying bitter tears... yet. They avoided a sweep in their NLDS series against the Chicago Cubs by pulling out a 6-5 win in 13 innings last night.
  • Back In Black (Speedo). Attention all wrestling fans from back in the day: Goldberg is returning. The black speedo-wearing wrestler famous for spearing his opponents will return to face human steroid Brock Lesnar next Monday.
  • Boying Around. The Miami Dolphins should leave the towel snapping to the experts, because as it turns out, offensive lineman Laremy Tunsil missed this past Sunday's game with an ankle injury he suffered from slipping in the shower. Now that's a video we want to see... we think.
  • Bad To Worse. It's been a shitty day for UFC's golden boy, Connor McGregor. First, someone spread a rumor that he was knocked out cold during a sparing session (he wasn't), and then he was fined $150K for his weak-ass bottle throwing episode during UFC 202's presser.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The ALCS has been decided, with the Cleveland Indians and the Toronto Blue Jays to go head-to-head for the right to play in the World Series. You probably don't know which team to pull for, so it's a damn good thing we're here to help!

WHAT ELSE?
Cleveland Indians
This Major League Baseball team has played more like a Minor League Baseball team for the majority of its existence. The team was so bad, somebody made an excellent documentary about them called Major League. We highly recommend it. This year is just their second playoff appearance since 2007, but enough about the past, let's examine the present! Led by Jose Ramirez, the 2016 Cleveland Indians won the AL Central division before sweeping the Red Sox under the rug, in David Ortiz's final season no less. In August, the team traded for Coco Crisp, the guy who used to have the best hair in baseball before shaving it, and although he's struggling, his name is also cool, so there's that.

Toronto Blue Jays
Just to be clear, this team is Canadian, which is one big strike against them, but in recent years (two to be exact), they've been playing America's past time almost as well as we've been playing theirs. In last year's World Series, the Blue Jays took on (and lost to) the Kansas City Royals, and so far in this year's playoffs they're 4-0. They can pitch, hit, and take a punch - which in true Canadian manner, the team probably apologized to the other guy's fist.


THOUGHTS?
We're rooting for the Indians. Not just because the Blue Jays are Canadian, although that does factor into this decision, but because all the very justified shit we've given Cleveland in these newsletters, we owe them. Just this once, we're pulling for you Cleveland. That even feels disgusting to say.

NFL Pick 'Em
Daniel Schorin was one of the few that predicted the dirtbag Detroit Lions would upset the Philadelphia Eagles, and for that you’re our Week 5 champ! May god be with you if you chose the Lions because you’re just that good at Pick ‘Em, and may god help you if you chose them because you’re a fan of the team.

1.) Daniel Schorin (11-3, 45*)
T-2.) Robert Portnoy (10-4-, 37*)
T-2.) Amanda Schat (10-4-, 37*)
T-4.) James Gladstone (10-4, 38*)
T-4.) Landon Davison (10-4, 38*)

*Total points estimate for Monday Night Football. Actual: 31

GET YOUR WEEK 6 PICKS IN NOW. Winner gets a set of Good Old Sport Koozies. Submission deadline is Thursday, 10/13 at 8:20pm ET.

Good Sport
Lonesome Kicker
Despite his struggles his entire rookie campaign - including two missed field goals last night - second-round draft pick (you read that right) Roberto Aguayo pulled his head out of his ass long enough to kick the game-winning field goal and put his Tampa Bay Bucs over the Cam Newton-less Carolina Panthers 17-14. Looks like Aguayo was determined not to be the lonesome kicker last night.

Bad Sport
Dumbest Couple Award
World's dumbest person, Ryan Lochte, got engaged Sunday night during the Presidential Debate, because there's no way in hell he's interested in watching anything on TV that doesn't involved Will.i.am "singing" about positive self-esteem alongside some puppets. Feel free to be jealous of this Neanderthal, because he's marrying a smoking hot blonde. We're not sure who the smart one is in this relationship.

Never Forget
To say it, not spray it.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB PLAYOFFS. Game 4: Nationals at Dodgers - 5pm on FS1; TBD - 8:30pm on FS1
SOCCER. World Cup Qualifying: Slovenia vs. England - 2:30pm on ESPN2; International Friendly: U.S. vs. New Zealand - 8pm on ESPN
WNBA FINALS. Game 2: Los Angeles at Minnesota - 8pm on ESPN2
GOLF. World Long Drive Championship - 8pm on GOLF
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