Playboy Hall of Fame, Clinch City, & Wet Your Whistle Wednesday.
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Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Quick Hits
  • eSports In Hollywood. Will Ferrell will star in an upcoming comedy where he'll play a member of a professional eSports team. Sure, eSports is funny now, but mark our words, in 30 years Disney will be making an inspiring movie about an eSports athlete overcoming a challenge, like short thumbs.
  • Clinch City. Move over, Dallas, three other squads are looking to punch their ticket to the NFL postseason. The Oakland Raiders, New England Patriots, and Seattle Seahawks can call clinch playoff berths this weekend based on various criteria. Meanwhile, the Browns, Jaguars, and 49ers get to have a head start on their offseason vacation plans, as they've all been eliminated from the playoffs.
  • Changing Sox. We've got some great news if you love the Boston Red Sox and shitty news if you hate 'em. Beantown acquired ace pitcher Chris Sale from the Chicago White Sox for four substantially lesser players. In an effort to stay unbiased we'll try and tiptoe around our feelings about this trade; f*ck this.
  • The Notorious Game of Thrones. UFC fighter and shit-slinging expert Conor McGregor will reportedly appear in at least one of the final two seasons of Game of Thrones. Hopefully he'll tell a foe he's going to "rest his balls on his forehead" before he inevitably gets his skull crushed.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The New York Yankees have announced they will retire Derek Jeter's No. 2 jersey before next year's game against the Houston Astros on May 17th.

WHAT ELSE?
Jeter was long considered, by this outlet at least, to be the DiCaprio of Major League Baseball. A youthful gazillionaire who literally plowed through an entire catalog worth of supermodels while simultaneously being the handsome face of his field. The difference? It didn't take Jeter years of waiting, and he didn't face unrelenting ridicule via countless memes, to reach the pinnacle of his profession. Jeter won the first of his five World Series titles with the Yankees when he was just 22 years old. This would prove to be just the beginning of a legendary career, as Jeter amassed 14 All-Star selections, five Gold Glove Awards, five Silver Slugger Awards, and 3,465 career hits (6th in MLB history) during his 20-year run with the Bronx Bombers. Now, Jeter can look back on his monumental achievements with his smokin-hot, 26-year-old wife (yes, please!) when his plaque is placed in Monument Park this Spring.

THOUGHTS?
Sure, this is great for Jeter, but the Yankees are shit out of uniform numbers. They've retired 21 of them, including all of their single digit numbers. Our solution? Start introducing apartment-style jersey numbers. "Now batting, shortstop, number 47A..."

Good Sport
Cristiano d'Oronaldo
Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo, who also joins Leo and Jeter as a member of the Playboy Hall of Fame, will reportedly win the Ballon d’Or, given to the best footballer in the world. Although Ronaldo's win was widely considered a lock, Spanish newspaper Mundo Deportivo spilled the beans a week before the official announcement was to be made. Oh, spoiler alert in case you were waiting for next week's unveiling.

Bad Sport
Boom 'Em, Danno
Ex-NFL and USC player Joe McKnight's road rage death last week was a very shitty thing. The good news is his alleged killer, Ronald Gasser, has been jailed and charged with manslaughter. McKnight is black and Gasser is white, a fact that will surely help ease racial tensions in the U.S. (fart noise).

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Here's something else shitty; Rashaan Salaam, former Heisman Trophy Winner and Chicago Bears running back, is dead at 42.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Holiday booze packs signify it's indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
God bless liquor companies. They're not only aware of your holiday season bender, but they embrace it by producing adorable holiday gift sets complete with glasses, whiskey stones, and other accessories. Go to any grocer and you'll likely see a full aisle filled with holiday-themed marketing ploys designed to empty your wallet and pickle your liver. And dammit if it isn't working. You mean we get to have a bottle of booze and a couple lowball glasses to add to our drinkware collection of plastic Taco Bell collector's edition cups and stolen mason jars from local gastropubs? Where do we sign?! Never again will we have to drink Jack Daniels straight from the bottle in the parking lot of our baby cousin’s baptism. We've got glasses now. We're sophisticated!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Cavaliers at Knicks - 5pm on ESPN; Warriors at Clippers - 7:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Bruins at Capitals - 5pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Seton Hall vs. California - 4pm on Fox Sports 1; Davidson at North Carolina - 6pm on ESPN2; Princeton vs. Hawaii - 6:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Washington at Gonzaga - 8pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: Lyon vs. Sevilla - 11:30pm on ESPN2; UEFA Champions League: Real Madrid vs. Borussia Dortmund - 11:30am on Fox Sports 1
Link of the Day: The trailer for the new Transformers movie, Transformers: The Last Knight, came out and it looks like an abortion. But here it is if you're 10 and like explosions and shit.
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