Wet Your Whistle Wednesday, Beautiful Butterfly, & Teat Suckling
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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Wave And A Win. The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Cuban national baseball team 4-1 thanks to Rays infielder James Loney's three RBIs and pitcher Matt Moore's six shutout innings. The U.S. fans looked better too, with President Obama nailing "the wave," while Cuban president Raúl Castro looked slow and confused. Still better than Donald Trump and Bill O'Reilly though.
  • Fly Free, Beautiful Butterfly. Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford, a die-hard crack cocaine fan and a casual Toronto sports fan, died yesterday. Our favorite Ford sports moments include falling down while playing football, sloppily eating wings at a Buffalo Bills game, and showing up to a city council meeting (to defend himself against drug allegations) in a Toronto Argonauts Canadian football jersey. You were too pure for this world, Rob. RIP.
  • You Blew It. The Denver Broncos, who are in need of a starting quarterback, are determined to "find the next Brock Osweiler." Didn't the Broncos just let a guy who sort of matches that description slip away to the Houston Texans?
  • Attempted Murder In Atlanta. The Atlanta Braves are trying to kill you... with ballpark food. They've introduced a "burgerizza," which is a giant cheeseburger that uses two pizzas as buns, and will likely be the culprit when fans start dropping dead. America, F*CK YA!
  • Know The Rules. NFL owners approved seven new rule changes for the 2016 season, which are all relatively minor tweaks. The most notable rule was one that didn't pass - an automatic ejection for a player who commits two personal fouls in a game. The proposed rule was met with plenty of criticism, especially from Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, who called commissioner Roger Goodell "just a suit" because the proposed rule sounded "like something somebody who's never played the game would say." How do you really feel?
  • Triple The Fun. With last night's triple-double performance in a 111-107 win over the Houston Rockets, Oklahoma City Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook became just the third player in the last 40 years to record six or more triple-doubles in a calendar month (Michael Jordan, Larry Bird).
  • Unstoppable. In case you forgot, the Women's Division I Basketball Championship (women's March Madness) is still a thing that's happening. And in case you needed a reminder, top-ranked UConn is still going to win the whole damn thing. They've won their first two games by scores of 101-49 and 97-51. UConn will continue to destroy helpless opponents during the "Sweet 16" round, which kicks off on Friday.

The Main Event
It's March, which means every sports league under the sun is trying to suckle on the teat of the giant marketing cow that is "bracket mania." The latest sport to suck on one of these money-making nipples is golf. The Dell Match Play starts today in Austin, Texas, and wouldn't you know it, it's a bracket-style tournament.

The top 64 players in the world, based on the Official World Golf Ranking (OWGR), will be placed in 16 groups of four, with the top 16 players separated into each group. Round-robin matches kickoff today and run through Friday, which gives each player a chance to play the other three within their group of four. The winner of each group will move on to a "Round of 16," where single-elimination play will commence until a champion is crowned on Sunday. The world's top four players (No. 1 Jordan Spieth, No. 2 Jason Day, No. 3 Rory McIlroy, No. 4. Bubba Watson) have emerged as some of the early favorites to win it all. Spieth is playing in his home state of Texas, while McIlroy and Day won the Dell Match Play in 2015 and 2014, respectively.

The PGA Tour released a Dell Match Play bracket challenge, because of course they did. If you hurry, you can fill yours out today before play begins. As you've learned from March Madness, filling out a bracket is a fun way to follow teams (or players in this case) that you normally wouldn't give a shit about. It's also a fun way to become inconceivably infuriated when one of your top teams/players wets the bed in the early rounds. Who will be this year's big upset at the Dell? We're hoping it's Bubba "rubs everyone the wrong way" Watson.

Good Sport
Consolation Hall Of Fame
Six players and two coaches were announced as inductees to the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame, basketball's greatest consolation prize. Former players Mark Aguirre, Bob Boozer, Doug Collins, Lionel Simmons, Jamaal Wilkes, and Dominique Wilkins will join former coaches Hugh Durham and Mike Montgomery as the class of 2016. Here's hoping Jamaal Wilkes and Dominique Wilkins, the only two of the bunch to have already made the NBA Hall of Fame, won't give the other guys too much shit at the induction ceremony.

Honorable Mention: The Big Apple is bringing back brain damage. After being banned for nearly 20 years, MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) is now legal again in the state of New York.

Bad Sport
Two Dimes
Of all the scummy, yet talented ex-NFLers (looking at you, O.J.), former safety Darren Sharper has got to be one of the scummiest. His off-field hobby of drugging and raping women has him staring down the barrel of a 20-year prison sentence. Sharper, who's already plead guilty, will be sentenced on June 16th. Get ready for a roommate, O.J.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Indiana Pacers point guard Ty Lawson looks like a saint next to Darren Sharper. Lawson has been ordered to serve a year of probation for pulling a Lindsay Lohan by getting arrested for drunk driving.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Introducing our newest weekly segment; "Wet Your Whistle Wednesday," where we bring you our booze selection of the week. Why on a Wednesday? Because you made it through half the week, dammit, and you deserve a little something to take the edge off. Our inaugural beverage is a man's man cocktail: the old fashioned.
Good Old Sport's preferred version includes 2 1/2 ounces of Four Roses Kentucky bourbon, 3/4 ounce of Liber & Co. gum syrup, and a dash of Angostura aromatic bitters. Stir and serve over a healthy amount of ice in whatever the hell kind of glass you can find, it really doesn't matter. Extra points if you drink it out of that Batman Forever collectible glass mug you got from Taco Bell in the '90s. Garnish with an orange peel, and enjoy alone in the dark. It's you time.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Knicks at Bulls - 8pm on ESPN; Clippers at Warriors - 10:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Bruins at Rangers - 8pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NIT Basketball Tournament: Florida vs. George Washington - 7pm on ESPN2; NIT Basketball Tournament: San Diego St. vs. Georgia Tech - 9pm on ESPN2
GOLF. PGA Tour: WGC-Dell Match Play, First-Round - 2pm on Golf Channel
STEPHEN COLBERT. Taco Bell spokesman Charles Barkley stops by The Late Show to discuss all the turrible play he's seen so far in March Madness - 11:35pm on CBS
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