The Olympics Go Rogue One, Eli In A Banana Suit, & Fun With Words.
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Friday, August 12, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Rippin' Rob. Video footage has finally been released of former Toronto mayor, and Blue Jays fan, Rob Ford smoking crack. Enjoy!
  • Olympians From A Galaxy Far Far Away. A new trailer for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story premiered last night during the Olympics. Sadly, nerds aren't interested in sports so not a one of 'em saw it. Check it out here.
  • We Can't Be Stopped. The good ol’ US-of-A continued to shell out ass-whoopings at the Olympics yesterday, with gymnasts Simone Biles and Aly Raisman hauling in gold and silver at the women’s Individual All-Around, while swimmer Michael Phelps collected another gold by winning the Men's 200m individual medley. The U.S. leads with 16 gold medals and 38 total medals.
  • Bad Names. The name of the NHL's new Las Vegas team is reportedly down to the Nighthawks, Red Hawks, or Desert Hawks. We still think our top three (the Las Vegas Blow, Street Vomit, and Titty Tassels) are all better options.
  • We Meet Again. The NBA revealed its schedule for the 2016-17 season, which features a rematch of last year's Finals between the Cavaliers and Warriors on Christmas Day. It must suck for these players to be away from their families on Christmas, but LeBron's probably too busy counting the money from the $100m contract he signed with the Cavs yesterday to care.
  • Nice Lid. Preseason NFL football kicked off last night, and it was pretty underwhelming, well, except for Cam Newton's purple Pharrell-style hat. Check out the scores here.
  • Good, Let The Hate Flow Through You. DirecTV's newest NFL Sunday Ticket commercial includes two of the league's most deplorable quarterbacks in prime form, with a sockless Tony Romo blowing a sax while a banana-suited Eli Manning just dances around like a goon, giving neutral NFL fans just the push they needed to actively hate the Cowboys and Giants.

The Main Event
The 25th season of the Premier League (England's top soccer league) begins tomorrow, because it's been about 10 minutes since the last major soccer tournament/league ended, and god help us if we have one second to breathe before more soccer's shoved down our throats. And we're not even counting non-factor Olympic soccer and the who-gives-a-shit MLS, which are both currently running. We barely even have the strength to mention the 2016 Supercopa de España.

Even the goddamn 2015-16 Premier League season ended less than three months ago! ...but we digress. As you'll recall (says under breath: because it just f*cking happened), Leicester City F.C. went on a fairytale run to win the 2015-16 Premier League despite being given 5000/1 odds to win at the beginning of the season. They've been given much better odds this go-around (28/1), but six teams are seen as a safer bet, including Manchester United, the New York Yankees of English soccer. After a piss season, United threw money at their problems by signing former Chelsea manager José Mourinho (tied for highest paid manager), and French superstar Paul Pogba (record $116 million transfer fee). These moves, among others, increased United's betting odds of winning the Premier League to 3/1, only behind Manchester City (5/2). Check out the odds for the entire 20-team league here, and the schedules here.

Remember, soccer, there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. Especially when that good thing was just an okay thing to begin with.

Good Sport
Fun With Words
Ding Ning is the champion of Ping Pong. The Chinese women's table tennis star, who has the most hilarious name imaginable for a ping pong player, won gold at the Rio Olympics by defeating teammate Li Xiaoxia. We're going to hell for finding this amusing, aren't we? At least we know the boys from Beerfest would appreciate it.

Honorable Mention: British golfer Justin Rose made the first hole-in-one (par 3) at the Olympics in 112 years. Sure, that's mostly because golf is back in the Olympics for the first time in 112 years, but we're not gonna take this one away from him.

Bad Sport
Derek Did Some Dirty
For all you Yankees fans that have grown tired of booing admitted steroid user Alex Rodriguez, never fear, for we have fresh, pinstriped meat for ya! Golden boy Derek Jeter allegedly used cortisone injections to fight through injuries during the later years of his career. Here's a broom for you to sweep this under the rug, Yankees fans. We know that you will.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Colorado Avalanche head coach and VP Patrick Roy stepped down yesterday because the Avalanche have been dogshit, making the playoffs just once over the past six seasons. And you thought we couldn't squeeze in a hockey mention in August, shame on you.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Brandon Crawford. During an 8-7 win over the Miami Marlins on Monday night, the San Francisco Giants shortstop became the first player since 1975 (Rennie Stennett) to notch seven hits in a single game, which makes sense because his hairdo never left the '70s.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Lyu Bin. The Chinese boxer pulled a Desean Jackson of sorts by celebrating an assumed victory too soon. Bin pumped his fist and smiled like an idiot at the end of his Olympic, 49kg weight division bout with Kenya’s Peter Mungai Warui, only to see the ref lift the hand of Warui to declare him the winner. Here's another dipshit that celebrated too early for good measure:

Quote of the Week
"That little 14-year-old from China dropped the ball, baby. Too excited, went out like stink, died like a pig. Thanks for that.” - Byron McDonald

The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) analyst held nothing back when describing Chinese swimmer Ai Yanhan's performance in the 4x200m freestyle relay final. We know Alec Baldwin would be proud of McDonald calling a little girl a pig.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Mutombo would be proud." - Eddie Gray

You're right, Eddie, former NBA player Dikembe Mutombo would be proud that not only did American swimmer Lilly King use Mutombo' signature finger wave at Russian swimmer Yulia Efimova, but she blocked Efimova from winning a gold medal at the 100m breaststroke too. Your prize is a Good Old Sport pint glass to drink all of Yulia's tears.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
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