Snapchat For A Contract, Hiroshima Part II, & a $15 Donut.
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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Quick Hits
  • They Went And Did It. The Detroit Lions may suck shit, but dammit if their fans won’t be fat and happy. The Lions will sell a nine-inch, $15 donut this season because the fans clearly need something to keep them awake.
  • Hiroshima Part II. The U.S. women’s basketball team dropped an atomic-sized bomb on the Japanese squad in the form of a 110-64 beating, which advances the U.S. to the Olympic semifinals.
  • Snapchat For A Contract. After seeing a Snapchat photo of defensive tackle Tony McDaniel in a long TSA line before a flight to Seattle, McDaniel’s agent contacted the Seahawks to arrange a workout, which led to McDaniel signing with the ‘Hawks yesterday. You hear that, kids? Don’t bother with job applications, just Snap your way into a career.
  • A Celebration That Hurts. If you’re Mijain Lopez’s wrestling coach, you might start rooting against him. After winning Olympic gold in men's Greco-Roman wrestling (130 kilograms), Lopez body-slammed his coach, then kissed him.
  • Back In The Saddle. American gymnast (and new SI cover girl) Simon Biles avenged her beam biff by winning Floor Exercise gold yesterday, with teammate Aly Raisman scooping up silver. The U.S.’s overall medal count stands at 84, with 28 golds, with China in a distant second (51, 17 gold).

The Main Event
Goddammit, Dallas Cowboys owner, and James Bond villain, Jerry Jones has a chance to enter the NFL’s Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Jones, along with former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, has been selected as a finalist for the Hall of Fame's Class of 2017 as a “contributor,” which is some bullshit that was established all the way back in 2015 so dudes who didn’t play or coach could squeeze their way into the Hall. We don’t have a problem with Jones, per say, besides the fact that he’s a money-grubbing whore (and woman fondler) who’s more interested in maximizing the monetization of football than the advancement of the sport itself. It’s incredible the NFL’s epitome of profitability and futility can be encapsulated in one dead-toothed man. He built the world’s most valuable sports franchise, but told us we wouldn’t “see a more gifted passer than Brandon Weedenand had to be talked down from drafting definitely-drunk-right-now NFL disaster Johnny Manziel. It's thoughts and decisions like these that have led to just two playoff wins since 1996. Jones knows everything about business and nothing about football, and may very well have a bust in Canton with Vince Lombardi next year. It’s infuriating, but let’s enshrine him in the Hall anyway because money talks and f*ck us for ever caring.

Tagliabue... you're cool.

"I want me some glory hole" - Jerry Jones

Good Sport
Nice Gals Finish Last
After colliding with American distance runner Abbey D’Agostino, New Zealander Nikki Hamblin helped D’Agostino to her feet, then ran alongside her while offering encouraging words to finish the women’s 5,000m race. Hamblin even helped D’Agostino into a wheelchair after the event. It was a sweet moment that was missed by Ethiopian runner Almaz Ayana, because she was too busy winning the heat. Hamblin and D’Agostino were the last to finish, and obviously didn’t qualify. Nice guys (and gals) really do finish last.

Bad Sport
Redefining Suck
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (still a dogshit name) are redefining the word “suck,” having lost 11 of their last 12 games, firmly entrenching them in last place (obviously) in the AL West. If you look up “suck” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Kim Kardashian. But, if you look closer, she’s holding a team photo of the Angels.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Shaun White’s into poop stuff. The Olympic snowboarder is being sued for sexual harassment, with allegations including, among other things, forcing a woman to watch sexually disturbing videos “including videos sexualizing human fecal matter.” But who hasn't seen two girls, one cup, right?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: After losing an Olympic bantamweight quarterfinal boxing fight yesterday, Irish boxer Michael Conlan gave a double middle finger to the judges before claiming they cheated him out of a medal, calling them “cheating bastards and f*cking cheats.” Conlan may not have won, but at least he’s still a good role model for the kids.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Seeing as yesterday was National Rum Day, and because we're still desperately clinging to "summer vibes" (f*ck you, back to school commercials), we've chosen the ever-tropical Mai Thai as our booze selection of the week.
If you want a beverage that'll make you question whether you've got the shakes from its strong alcohol content or its diabetes-inducing amount of sugar, look no further than this little rascal. Carrying all the class of a brunch cocktail, yet the blackout power of a late-night finisher, the Mai Thai is just what you need to ride the sugar high of a Miami coke addict before succumbing to a debilitating, drunken stupor that'll have you feeling like a lobotomy patient. Our high-low recipe includes two ounces each of spiced and coconut-flavored rum, two ounces each of pineapple and orange juice (no pulp, you barbarian), and a teaspoon of grenadine. Serve over ice with little umbrella for flair. If you don't have a mini umbrella, use nothing because you're a grown up who's here to drink, not play dress-up with a cocktail. Enjoy!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016. Women's golf (first round) - 3:30am on Golf Channel; Women's field hockey (semifinal) - 8am on MSNBC; Men's soccer semifinal (Brazil vs. Honduras) - 9am on NBC Sports; Track and field, equestrian, gymnastics - 10am on NBC; Men's soccer semifinal (Nigeria vs. Germany) - 12pm on NBC Sports; Men's basketball quarterfinal (U.S. vs. Argentina) - 2:30pm on NBC Sports
MLB. Red Sox at Orioles - 4pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Spanish Super Cup: Barcelona vs. Sevilla - 1:55pm on ESPN2
GOLF. U.S. Amateur, First-Round Play - 12pm on Fox Sports 1
SOFTBALL. Little League Softball World Series - 6pm on ESPN2
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