J.J. the Pegleg, Jump Around, & UnLuck of the Irish.
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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
There's a lot of football to behold this Thanksgiving weekend, but let's talk about the big football game you probably won't be watching, eh?

This coming Sunday is the 104th Grey Cup, the very boringly-named championship game for the Canadian Football League (their version of the Super Bowl). This year's Cup, to be played in Toronto, features the Calgary Stampeders (15-2-1) and the Ottawa Redblacks (8–9–1), which is apparently not a slur for bi-racial persons of Native American and African American decent. The Stampeders are the favourites (obviously, note the records) to bring home their eighth Grey Cup title, which means the Redblacks are likely to remain the only team in the CFL without a championship (you've got company, Buffalo Bills).

Please note that us spelling "favourites" (above) like a developmentally-challenged fourth-grader was by design. If anyone knows how to butcher a perfectly-spelled word, it's the Canadians. Look at this shit. Hopefully our neighbours to the north forgive us when we drink whisky and colour in our pyjamas instead of watching the Grey Cup.

Isn't it f*cked up that a team with a losing record (Redblacks) is playing in the CFL's championship game? Not only that, but they were the best team in the Eastern Division (comparable to an NFL conference), and earned a first-round bye. Sure, there's only nine total teams in the CFL, with four in the Eastern Division, but where's the parity? We're sure the Edmonton Eskimos, who finished fourth in the Western Division with a record of 10-6, are stoked on the current alignment.

Good Sport
Happy Anniversary!
It's been four years since we were blessed with the single greatest event in the history of sports. On Thanksgiving Day 2012 against the New England Patriots, New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez buried his face snugly in teammate Brandon Moore's asshole on a rushing attempt (?), resulting in a fumble and defensive touchdown. The touchdown was one of three that the Pats scored in a span of 52 seconds (yes, really), resulting in a 49-19 final score. Happy Anniversary, Butt Fumble!

Bad Sport
Have Mercy
The worst part about the Redskins winning this week? It's easily having to watch 'Skins owner Dan Snyder 'dance' to House of Pain's "Jump Around." Kudos to Snyder for making regular white guys who are terrible at dancing look like Usher.
UnLuck of the Irish
Due to an academic misconduct case, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team will vacate wins from their 2012 and 2013 football seasons. Of note: the Irish played in the National Championship game in 2012. Thankfully, the karma gods sought to serve them with a 42-14 loss in that game.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
The first batch of winter storms have landed, with the East Coast getting its ass kicked by snow while Southern California rediscovers what rain is. Fittingly, we’re going with the Dark N’ Stormy for our booze selection of the week.
Instead of exploding on a family member at Thanksgiving with "it's none of your goddamn business!" when they ask you an inappropriate personal question at the dining room table, calmly stand up and retreat to the kitchen. Once there, find a bottle of dark rum and take a five-second pull (you've earned it). Then, fix yourself a Dark N' Stormy by pouring four ounces of ginger beer and 2.5 ounces of dark rum (add a dash of bitters if you have 'em) over ice and garnish with a lime. Finally, take another five-second pull of the rum before returning, with cocktail in hand, to the dining room. At this stage you should feel blissfully numb, thus impervious to any further verbal assaults by family members.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Spurs at Hornets - 4pm on ESPN; Timberwolves at Pelicans - 6:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Flyers at Lightning - 4:30pm on NBC Sports; Blackhawks at Sharks - 7pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Wichita State vs. LSU - 9am on ESPN2; VCU Rams at Baylor Bears - 11:30am on ESPN2; College of Charleston at Villanova - 4pm on Fox Sports 1; Maui Invitational Championship Game - 7pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: FC Rostov vs. Bayern Munich - 8:50am on Fox Sports 1; UEFA Champions League: Arsenal vs. Paris Saint-Germain - 11:30am on Fox Sports 1

Happy Thanksgiving
Follow our lead as we begin our holiday season bender. We'll be back on Wednesday or never. Happy Native American Genocide Day!
Link of the Day: Our idiot friends have a dope podcast called "Is It Still Good?" where they examine nostalgic films, products, experiences, etc. from our childhood. This week's episode: "Goosebumps." Soak up the whole series while you try to ignore your racist uncle this Thanksgiving.
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