Steph "King Leonidas" Curry, Chip's Big Mess, & Shady Sharapova?
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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
When tennis superstar Maria Sharapova called for a press conference to make a "major announcement," the sports world assumed she would reveal plans to retire. Instead, she admitted to having failed a drug test at the Australian Open this January.

Your immediate reaction might be to label her a female douchebag (douchebagette), worthy of the type of disdain you feel towards other druggie douchebag and douchebagettes like Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, and Marion Jones. But alas, after hearing her initial admission, her subsequent excuse wasn't the steaming pile of bullshit we thought it would be. Sharapova tested positive for a drug called meldonium, which is used to treat a range of heart/oxygen flow issues, and was just banned on Jan. 1 2016. She'd been taking it for the last 10 years on the advice of a family doctor to treat a variety of health issues. Sharapova had been taking it for so long, in fact, that when she received an email from WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) last December containing a list of newly-banned substances, she didn't bother opening it. So if she's guilty of anything, besides using an illegal substance, it's gross negligence. While there's no excuse for stupidity, it seems Sharapova didn't take the substance with deceptive intent. Nevertheless, she'll be suspended until a ruling in her case is made.

It's respectable, and refreshing, that Sharapova willingly came out and admitted to her wrongdoing, even though it likely means our years of love letters we sent her likely went unopened.

Good Sport
Mullet Magic
Sammy Brooks is a damn good wrestler, and likely a big fan of Joe Dirt. The University of Iowa wrestler won the 184-pound Big Ten championship after defeating Nebraska's TJ Dudley. More importantly, Brooks gave an inspired post-match speech where he credited his mullet for pumping up the crowd, saying, "I think these fans just respond really well to a good haircut... That’s what I was working on coming in here, making sure I had it fluffed and feathered the right way, and I think the fans saw my hard work." The self-praise for his business in front/party in back hairdo didn't stop there, as Brooks compared the process of growing his mullet to winning a Big Ten title by declaring, "You can’t grow a great mullet in a day, you can’t win a Big Ten title in a day."

Honorable Mention: Former WWE star "Big Boss Man," probably the only "cop" you liked in the '90s, besides Chief Wiggum, will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Honorable Mention: Pro golfer Rickie Fowler hit a hole-in-one at a charity pro-am, which earned $1 million for fellow golfer Ernie Els' autism foundation. It's such an incredible act of skill/kindness we'll forgive Fowler for that awful, Chinese-character tattoo we just discovered he has on his bicep.

Bad Sport
Happy Birthday, You're Dead
Lionel Messi vs. Cristiano Ronaldo is the soccer equivalent of Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady; a seemingly endless debate about who's the better player. But as soccer fans are prone to do, they took a seemingly harmless, healthy sports discussion and turned into a violent murder scene... literally. Two Nigerian men, one a Messi fan and one a Ronaldo fan, were arguing about who was better when the Ronaldo fan threw a glass in the face of the Messi fan. The Messi fan then took a piece of the shattered glass and stabbed the Ronaldo fan to death with it. To add insult to injury death, the Ronaldo fan was celebrating his birthday when the altercation broke out. A tragedy, no doubt, but is it now safe to say Messi's the better player?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: UCF women's basketball coach Joi Williams is probably pretty pissed she's been fired after nine seasons with the team, but at least she hasn't stabbed anyone in anger with a piece of broken glass... yet.

Fan of the Week
This baseball fan, who saved a kid from swallowing his own teeth by blocking a flying bat during a spring training game. Not that we'd wish radical reconstructive surgery on a kid, but it would have been a valuable lesson to young post-millennials everywhere to get off their goddamn phone, pay attention, and enjoy life.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Penguins at Islanders - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Horizon League Basketball Championship - 7pm on ESPN; Northeast Conference Basketball Championship - 7pm on ESPN2; Big East Women's Basketball Championship - 8pm on Fox Sports 1; West Coast Basketball Championship - 9pm on ESPN; Summit League Basketball Championship - 9pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. Champions League: Real Madrid vs. Roma - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
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