Jim-panzee, Scythed Chariots, & The Worst High Five.
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Gutted. The San Francisco 49ers fired EVERYONE. Offensive coordinator Geep Chryst (real name, not a car) and nine other coaching assistants were told to pack up their shit and get the hell out.
  • Another Day, Another Upset. Top-ranked college basketball teams are blowing it this year. In fact, they haven't sucked this hard in 67 years. The latest victim was #3 Kansas, who were demolished 86-67 by unranked Oklahoma State.
  • As Good As Gone. The Chargers have filed a trademark for the names “Los Angeles Chargers” and “LA Chargers.” At least they won’t be the "Los Angeles Chargers of Inglewood" (looking at you, Angels).
  • Already There. As for that other Los Angeles team, the Rams haven’t played a down in LA, but they already have a feather to add to their cap. Running back Todd Gurley was named rookie of the year by the Pro Football Writers of America. Thanks LA, Gurley couldn’t have done it without you! Check out the rest of the All-Rookie team right here.
  • 100 Too Many. Major League Baseball released their full 2016 regular season schedule, including game times. The season opens on April 3rd, featuring a triple-header ending with a World Series rematch between the New York Mets and Kansas City Royals. Good luck trying to watch even half of your team’s ridiculous 162-game schedule.
  • Jim-panzee. Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh’s psychosis has reached new heights, literally. He tried to climb a tree on a recruitment visit with four-star cornerback David Long Jr., allegedly to retrieve a ball that got stuck in it, but we think he was seeking hiring ground in search of a signal to call for extraction to his home planet.
  • Social Butterfly. Colin Bonner was selected by FC Dallas in the third round of the MLS Super Draft yesterday. His Instagram handle is ragingbonner, and MLS teams are going apeshit making fun of it on Twitter.
  • Rough Time For Rafa. For just the second time in his career, Rafael Nadal lost in the first round of a Grand Slam championship. The (already) legendary tennis star fell to Fernando Verdasco at the Australian Open, despite hitting one of the best shots at the tournament. We almost felt bad for Nadal, then we remembered the time he did a topless photo shoot with Supermodel Bar Refaeli. Bastard.

The Main Event
Former Cincinnati Reds great, and Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader, Pete Rose is being inducted into the Hall of Fame. No, not the Hall of Fame.

Rose will be inducted into the Cincinnati Reds team Hall of Fame during their “Hall of Fame Weekend” celebration running June 24-26, where they will also retire his jersey (No. 14), and reunite the 1976 World Series championship team that Rose was an integral part of. This type of honor is particularly noteworthy for Rose as he was famously banned from baseball in 1989 after being found guilty of betting on games, including bets on his own team while managing the Reds. Rose was accused of betting up to $10,000 a day, which seems paltry compared to the gambling habits of boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, who regularly throws down bets of up to a million bucks, but we digress.

Pete rose was denied reinstatement by MLB commissioner Rob Manfred this past December, so the Reds’ Hall of Fame could be as good as it gets for Rose. Besides, who needs national recognition when you can be idolized by a city that’s best known for their weird chili pasta and Bicycle brand playing cards. What an honor!

Good Sport
Montreal Canadiens winger John Scott will captain the Pacific Division team in the NHL All-Star game after all. His status was in doubt after being traded from the Coyotes (Pacific Division) to the minor-league affiliate of the Canadiens (Atlantic Division). The NHL decided to let him play to "maintain the status quo for the All-Star weekend in order to preserve all parties' pre-existing expectations, including Scott’s desire to participate." Scott famously became a walking middle finger to the All-Star game after fans voted him as a team captain despite having just six career goals. Hooray for sticking it to the man!

Bad Sport
A pair of Indiana girls high school basketball teams had their seasons cancelled after turning a basketball court into a gladiator coliseum. The vicious on-court brawl, which IHSAA (Indiana High School Athletic Association) commissioner Bobby Cox called, “an egregious and dangerous event,” included punches, foot stomps, and a desperate PA announcement begging fans to stay off the floor. Scythed chariots and armor-plated tigers were the only things missing from the savage spectacle. As a result, players and coaches will be subjected to sportsmanship and behavioral courses, and will be on probation for the 2016-2017 season.

Never Forget
The worst high five in sports history. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Warriors at Bulls - 8pm on ESPN; Hawks at Trail Blazers - 10:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Blues at Red Wings - 8pm on NBC Sports; Wild at Ducks - 10:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Wake Forest at North Carolina - 7pm on ESPN2; DePaul at Marquette - 8pm on Fox Sports 1
SOCCER. FA Cup: Leicester City vs. Tottenham - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship, First-Round Play - 10:30pm on Golf channel
TENNIS. Australian Open, Second-Round Play - 9pm on ESPN2
STEPHEN COLBERT. New York Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall stops by to complain to a national audience that Pats tight end Rob Gronkowski "pushes off" - 11:35pm on CBS
THE SIMPSONS. Even the Simpsons are shitting on the Philadelphia 76ers.
THE BACHELOR. The Bachelor became watchable for a brief, shining moment when soccer star Alex Morgan tried to teach the female contestants, who all wore VERY short shorts, how to play soccer.
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