Welcome To Hell, Free Bird, & Wet Your Whistle.
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Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Body Time. Hey, perverts, ESPN's "The Body" issue is now available online. Enjoy your conversation with HR about "work-appropriate websites" after viewing copious muscular butts.
  • Free Bird. During a Fourth of July game between the Baltimore Orioles and Los Angeles Dodgers, a "trained" bald eagle made a literal and figurative statement of freedom when, after a majestic fly around the field, it flew right by its handler and out of the stadium. Although the bird was later found safely, its "don't tread on me" message was received loud and clear.
  • Suicide Prevention. Andy Murray beat Nick Kyrgios so badly in their Wimbledon tennis match that Murray simply said "sorry" after the massacre was over. Kyrgios went on to give such a depressing, self-deprecating post-game presser that Murray suggested Kyrgios seek out a psychologist. We'd like to remind Kyrgios the national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
  • Pablo The Pisser. Argentinian tennis player Pablo Cuevas may also need psychiatric care. He threatened to piss in a can on the court during a Wimbledon doubles match after an umpire refused to let him use the restroom (because Cuevas already used his two restroom breaks). Cuevas, his small bladder, and his partner wound up losing their doubles match.
  • Sister Act. In non-depressing Wimbledon news, sisters Serena and Venus Williams qualified for the semifinals with wins yesterday. This is Venus' first Grand Slam semifinal since 2010, while it's Serena's eighth-straight. Do we even have to ask who their parents are more proud of?
  • Two Can Quit That Game. After watching his superstar player (Lionel Messi) quit the Argentinian national team, Gerardo Martino has stepped down as manager, in a cop-out move we fully expect to see from New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick once his golden boy (Tom Brady) calls it a career.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The rosters for Major League Baseball's All-Star Game, which is surprisingly the most-watched all-star game of America's top-four sports leagues (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL), were revealed last night.

WHAT ELSE?
Considering the starting rosters are chosen by fan vote, it's painfully obvious Chicago Cubs fans have way too much free time on their hands. Five of the eight starting position-player spots on the National League team were awarded to Cubs players, included all four infielders (the 1963 Cardinals are the only other team to start all four infielders in an All-Star Game). The Cubs led the MLB with seven total selections, while the Boston Red Sox led the American League with six. Below are the starting lineups, and you can find the full AL and NL squads here.

National League:
(OF) Bryce Harper, Nationals
(OF) Yoenis Cespedes, Mets
(OF) Dexter Fowler, Cubs
(C) Buster Posey, Giants
(1B) Anthony Rizzo, Cubs
(2B) Ben Zobrist, Cubs
(SS) Addison Russell, Cubs
(3B) Kris Bryant, Cubs

American League:
(OF) Mookie Betts, Red Sox
(OF) Mike Trout, Angels
(OF) Jackie Bradley Jr., Red Sox
(C) Salvador Perez, Royals
(1B) Eric Hosmer, Royals
(2B) Jose Altuve, Astros
(SS) Xander Bogaerts, Red Sox
(3B) Manny Machado, Orioles
(DH) David Ortiz, Red Sox

THOUGHTS?
The All-Star game isn't until Tuesday, so consider watching the MLB All-Star Legends & Celebrity Softball Game this Sunday. Is this star-studded game merely a money-grab for MLB? Certainly. Is it a great opportunity to watch supermodels run around in short shorts? Hell yes. This year's notable baseball babe is Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Nina Agdal (pictured above), so forgive us while we're glued to the TV watching this ridiculous exhibition game on Sunday.

Good Sport
Making Bill Gates Look Poor
It's a great time to be a basketball player, because NBA teams are burning through money faster than Oklahoma City Thunder fans are burning through their collection of Kevin Durant jerseys (for those who spent the Fourth under a rock, Durant left OKC for Golden State, much to the displeasure of Thunder fans). In the first 96 hours of free agency, NBA teams spent $3 billion on new contracts, which equates to $9,000 a second. For reference, poor-ass Bill Gates makes just $250 per second. What a loser. Check out all the latest free agency moves right here.

Related: Want more Durant hate? Here's a fan putting a "For Sale by Coward" sign on Durant's front lawn, and a few more shooting up a flaming Durant jersey with assault rifles to AC/DC's "Thunderstruck." #Murica

Honorable Mention: Army reservist Sam Kendricks set a U.S. track and field trials record with a 19 foot, 4 3/4 inches pole vault jump... on the Fourth of July. #DoubleMurica

Bad Sport
We're In Trouble
U.S. Olympic hopefuls Alysia Montano and Brenda Martinez got hosed out of a spot in Rio when there was a collision at the women's 800m Olympic trial race. The crash on the final curve of the race took out Montano and Martinez, who were favored to win, allowing Kate Grace, who was in sixth place during the incident, to pull off the upset victory. Officials ruled the collision to be incidental, but that doesn't make us feel any better about some of our best runners sitting out the 800m at the Olympics. To lower our confidence further, after the race, Grace said, “I can’t believe it. I’ve never podiumed in a national event, NCAAs, or USAs.” Yikes.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Pirate Jung-ho Kang may be in deep trouble for going after the booty. The Pittsburgh Pirates infielder is being investigated for sexual assault.

What Has The Rio Olympic Committee F*cked Up Now?
It's time for another adventure in our ongoing saga chronicling the disastrous developments coming out of Rio, host of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.
Despite desperate pleas for Rio Olympic organizers to bolster security for the games (namely by Australian team boss Kitty Chiller, who penned a request letter after a robbery of an Australian Paralympian in Rio at gunpoint), organizers aren't doing shit. Not only will there not be additional security, but the current police force has been protesting, claiming they haven't been paid for months and won't be able to protect tourists. At least the police are warning incoming tourists with signs like the above to put their minds at ease.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
For this week's booze selection, we're giving a cocktail that's been the victim of wrongful gender-classification a chance to shine: The Mojito.
Despite its reputation as an effeminate, frou-frou cocktail, the Mojito isn't just for gossip hour at Sunday brunch. How so? Well, if it's good enough for James Bond, old (Connery) and new (Brosnan), it's sure as hell good enough for you. AskMen has a solid recipe (note; AskMen), which suggests muddling 12 mint leaves, two teaspoons of sugar, and half a squeezed lime in a highball glass before adding 1 1/2 (we'll round up to two) ounces of rum, along with an ounce of club soda and ice. There you have it, a deliciously masculine cocktail that Family Guy's Brian Griffin says is definitely not a "gay drink." His words, not ours. Enjoy!

As a bonus, we'll leave you with some gratuitous, racist James Bond dialogue:

Bond: "Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?"
Chinese woman he's sleeping with: "You think we better, huh?"
Bond: "No, just different."

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Rangers at Red Sox - 7pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Portugal vs. Wales - 2:30pm on ESPN
TENNIS. Wimbledon: Men's quarterfinals - 8am on ESPN and ESPN2
CYCLING. Tour de France: Stage 5 - 8am on NBC Sports
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