Drunk Cavs, Putin's Viewing Party, & Never Say Never.
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Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Drunk Cavs. Video has surfaced of the Cleveland Cavaliers' after-party at XS nightclub in Vegas, and boy did they get hammered. Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith refused to keep their shirts on, and J.R. dumped champagne all over a woman's head... and she didn't appreciate it. Matthew Dellavedova looked white and happy as hell in his Hawaiian dad shirt though.
  • Bad Bet. Rapper Drake was notably less happier than the Cavs, after he reportedly lost $60k to French Montana by betting on the Warriors to win the Finals.
  • Us Too. In the wake of the Cavs' championship, the infamous Cleveland Browns jersey with the names of the 24 starting quarterbacks since 1999 will be retired, because it's "a new day" in Cleveland. Kudos to the Browns for claiming the Cavs' win as a victory of their own. We can't wait to see the "champions by association" banner hanging in the Browns' stadium next season.
  • The Worst. Speaking of pathetic teams, San Diego has overtaken Cleveland as the "Worst Sports City in America," with their last championship coming 53 years ago (Chargers, 1963 AFL title). Don't get comfortable though, SD, Buffalo is gunning for your newly-minted title (last championship: Bills, 1965 AFL title).
  • Never Say Never. UFC reportedly has sold for $4.2 billion, making UFC president Dana White full of shit for saying "the UFC is not for sale" back in May.
  • Wrong. We'll just leave this old Tweet by perpetually erroneous ESPN "analyst" Skip Bayless right here:

The Main Event
The United States men's national soccer team (USMNT) will play one of the most important games in the program's history when they face Argentina in a Copa América Centenario semifinal match tonight. With a win, the USMNT would reach a major international final for just the second time ever (2009 Confederations Cup).

Sure, the USMNT has strung together some Copa wins (more than most have expected, anyway), but now they face arguably the best national team in the world, with the best player in the world, Lionel Messi. This is especially worrisome, considering the USMNT doesn't exactly have a stellar record against Argentina (2-6-2), with the last win coming all the way back when Eiffel 65's "Blue" (inarguably the worst song in human history) was raping American airwaves, also known as 1999. Not to mention Messi is on fire as of late (second-most goals in the tournament with 4), the USMNT will be without three starters (lost to red and aggregate yellow cards), and everyone plus their mother thinks Argentina will win this match (and probably the whole tournament).

Thus concludes the Debbie-downer portion of this piece, as we delve into blind-optimism. USMNT coach Jurgen Klinsmann is confident as all hell ("There’s no reason at all why we can’t win Copa America"), so why not go with it? We suggest taking full advantage of Taco Tuesday by downing an obscene amount of margaritas (check out Good Old Sport's serving suggestion here), while you watch the game and scream the "I believe that we will win" chant until the USMNT wins or you get drunk enough that you think they did.

On the plus side, even if the U.S. craps out, we still may get a chance to witness history. In Argentina's win over Venezuela on Saturday, Messi tied Gabriel Batistuta for most Argentina national team goals (54). One more gives Messi the record.

Good Sport
The Bravest Little Boy
Kansas City Chiefs free safety Eric Berry received the George Halas Award yesterday, given to an NFL player, coach, or staff member who's overcome the most adversity to succeed. Berry beat Hodgkin lymphoma to return to the field in 2015, and also won the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year award. Impressive, but we're not going to give too much credit to a grown man who still hasn't been able to overcome a child-like crippling fear of horses. "I don't mess with horses, bruh. It might come over here and throw a tantrum."

Honorable Mention: Wales walloped Russia 3-0 to top their group and reach the Euro 2016 Round of 16, in what's being called "the greatest night in Welsh sporting history."

Bad Sport
Viewing Party
Russian track and field athletes may have company as they sit on their asses and watch the Olympics from their couches this summer. The World Anti-Doping Agency announced yesterday that Russia and China's swimming teams are under investigation for doping, which may have included the manipulation of blood and urine samples. Since apparently no one from Russia's going, should we expect an Olympic viewing party at Putin's house this year?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A fight just after Game 7 of the NBA Finals resulted in a fan being hospitalized in critical condition after being pushed off Oracle Arena's second deck. Details are scant at the moment, but we'll assume a Warriors fan who just paid $25k for a ticket wanted to get their money's worth after watching their team lose.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The Philadelphia Phillies have lost seven games in a row, 11 of their past 12, and may very well never win another game again.

Good Old Sport's Gossip Corner
The World Mourns
LA Lakers star Nick Young and rapper Iggy Azalea have ended their relationship due to "trust issues," thanks in part to Lakers teammate D'Angelo Russell's video of Young talking about sleeping with other women. If a non-monogamous NBA player and a racially-confused rapper can't make it work, what hope does love have in this world?

Never Forget
To not let your body language show you've already been defeated. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Mock Draft Special - 7pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Northern Ireland vs. Germany - 11:30am on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Ukraine vs. Poland - 11:30am on ESPN2; UEFA Euro 2016: Croatia vs. Spain - 2:30pm on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Czech Republic vs. Turkey - 2:30pm on ESPN2; Copa America Centenario: U.S. vs. Argentina - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
COLLEGE BASEBALL. College World Series: TCU vs. Coastal Carolina - 9pm on ESPN
WNBA. Phoenix at Dallas - 8pm on ESPN2
OLYMPIC TRIALS. U.S. diving team - 7pm on NBC Sports
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