Kap Isn't Black, Dancing with Lochte, & Medieval MMA.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
Hot damn, the 136th edition of the U.S. Open is underway! The men's and women's singles and doubles tennis tournament is the fourth and final Grand Slam event of the year (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon), all of which are considered to be the most important and prestigious tournaments in tennis. So, of all the tennis tourneys you’ve ignored this year (and holy shit, has there been a ton of them), the U.S. Open promises to be one of the more important ones.

As with seemingly every other tennis tournament in the last 10,000 years, Serbian Novak Djokovic and American Serena Williams are the favorites to pick up singles victories. Djokovic is looking to defend his title as the reigning men’s singles champion, while Williams is trying to avenge her stunning 2015 loss to Roberta Vinci. Check out the full list of participants and matches here, with the winners to be decided by tournament’s end on Sunday, 9/11.

Lord, please let one of those winners be Djokovic so we can see another U.S. Open, hillbilly dance-off celebration. In any case, at least we know the fans will elicit some entertaining responses from the players, especially Australian Bernard Tomic, who told a heckling fan yesterday, “I will put my balls in your mouth.” Does that make Tomic gay, or the fan gay? Better ask South Park’s Cartman.

Good Sport
Girl Power
Jessie Graff, a stuntwoman on the show Supergirl, became the first woman to ever complete stage 1 of American Ninja Warrior, all while wearing a green mini skirt. Why she didn't use her skills as a black belt in Tae Kwon Do to knock out the person who convinced her to wear that skimpy outfit, we'll never know.

Bad Sport
From Bad To Worse
San Francisco 49ers quarterback (for now) Colin Kaepernick's anthem snafu just keeps getting worse. The hate is spreading from current and former NFL players alike to government agencies. The SF police department is calling for Kap's head, and even the White House chimed in to say his actions were bullshit (albeit protected by free speech). Elsewhere, former NFL player Rodney Harrison just wants to make sure Kap knows "he's not black." You here that, Kap? You're a disrespectful commie! And (apparently) a honkie too.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Video has surfaced of the moment USWNT goalkeeper Hope Solo found out about her six-month suspension for branding the Swedes as "cowards." A blubbering Solo exclaimed; "17 f*cking years and it's over!" Why yes, it very well might be.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
With Labor Day Weekend fast approaching, we’ve selected a cocktail that requires shockingly little labor to create so you can focus all your energy on drinking away the misery of the unofficial end to summer. Say “hello” to one last summer weekend and “screw you” to Monday at the office with our booze selection of the week; The Screwdriver.
The Screwdriver is a Mimosa for people who should probably attend AA meetings, which means it’s right up our alley. Where a Mimosa blends orange juice and champagne, the Screwdriver replaces the bubbly with vodka, effectively transforming a light brunch into full-on day-drinking. Start tackling these bad boys early at your Labor Day pool party so you can pass out on the giant inflatable flamingo by high noon. The key is to fall asleep during peak sun hours so your impending sunburn is severe enough to keep you out of work the next two days, thus turning your three-day weekend into a five-day weekend. Not only that, you will have earned yourself just a two-day workweek. Everyone at the office, especially your boss, will undoubtedly be impressed with your innovative approach to dodging responsibility. Hello, raise! Thanks, Screwdrivers!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Pirates at Cubs - 5pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Premier League Transfer Deadline Day Show - 2pm on NBC Sports
TENNIS. U.S. Open Tennis: Second-Round Play - 10am on ESPN
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