Fresh Princes Of Detroit, Too Sexy For His Pants, & That Was Fast.
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Monday, April 11, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • One More To Go. The Golden State Warriors beat the Spurs 92-86 in San Antonio last night to give the Dubs their 72nd win, tying the NBA record for most in a season (1995-96 Chicago Bulls). The win is even more impressive considering the Spurs hadn't lost a game at home all season. The Warriors' final game is on Wednesday, where they'll either make history by winning the most regular season games ever or have their dreams hilariously smashed by the no-good, sixth-place Memphis Grizzlies. Either way, we're in.
  • Fresh Princes Of Detroit. The Detroit Red Wings clinched a playoff berth for the 25th consecutive season. The last time the Wings didn't make the playoffs was when we got our first look at The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The Red Wings: chillin' out, maxin' and relaxin' all cool in a playoff playground.
  • That Was Fast. It's been just one week and we're already down to only one MLB team with a perfect record (Baltimore Orioles, 5-0). Although we have to give kudos to the Minnesota Twins and Atlanta Braves for their commitment to consistency also, as both teams have yet to win a game.

The Main Event
Golfer Jordan Spieth was going to win his second-straight Masters Tournament. He led the field after his first round on Thursday and didn't look back as he built a 5-stroke lead going into the last nine holes of the final round yesterday. But then...

Spieth had a meltdown of epic proportions. He bogeyed holes 10 and 11 before reaching the 12th, which would prove to be his watery kryptonite. He put two balls in the drink before he was able to stick one on dry land. Even then, his third shot found a bunker, confirming the 12th hole would represent a shit sandwich for Spieth, of which he'd have to consume a sizable portion. After taking several more warm, moist bites, Spieth finished with a quadruple bogey on the Par 3 hole, dropping him three strokes behind the new leader, English golfer Danny Willett. Spieth failed to close the gap, while Willett held on for the win, his first major. You can check out the final standings here.

The best part of the tournament was watching Spieth adorn Willett with the green jacket. The Masters tradition of the previous year's winner presenting the green jacket to the new champion turned awkward and hilarious when Spieth, last year's winner and this year's runner-up, nearly fell over with grief (literally), and looked painfully saddened while Willett was christened as the 2016 Masters champion. If only the NFL made Super Bowl runner-up, and pouty child, Cam Newton hand Peyton Manning the Vince Lombardi Trophy after the last Super Bowl.

Good Sport
The Duck Commander
Kyle Busch was the big winner of a NASCAR weekend that included an awesome 12-car pile-up, a fiery pit stop for Dale Earnhardt Jr., and a pre-race prayer lead by Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson, who said "we (America) got here via bibles and guns," and prayed the American people will "put a Jesus man in the White House." Sermons aside, Busch swept the weekend by winning both the XFINITY Series race on Friday and the Duck Commander 500 on Saturday. Having also won the Camping World Truck Series and NASCAR STP 500 last weekend, Busch became the first driver to sweep consecutive NASCAR weekends since Harry Gant (1991).

Honorable Mention: North Dakota are the champs of the March Madness bracket you heard absolutely nothing about; NCAA hockey. They beat top-seeded Quinnipiac 5-1 on Saturday, which gave North Dakota their 8th national championship, which is good for second all-time (Michigan, 9).

Honorable Mention: Canada proved they're the best at the goofiest sport of all time, as their national team won the 2016 World Men's Curling Championship.

Bad Sport
Too Sexy For His Pants
Red Sox infielder, and noted fat guy, Pablo Sandoval proved to be too fat for his own pants when his belt burst under the stress of his own girth while taking a swing in the Sox' win over the Toronto Blue Jays on Saturday night. Thankfully, a concerned Blue Jays fan was seen in the stands the following night with an extra large backup belt for Sandoval, in case his stomach tried to eat another one.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Manny Pacquiao. The legendary boxer, and "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" adherent, defeated Timothy Bradley Jr. on Saturday night by unanimous-decision. Pacquiao announced his retirement right after the fight, which will definitely stick. Unless, of course, he's offered any amount of money by anyone at any point to come out of retirement, because athletes are about as willing to let go of the spotlight as Charlie Sheen is to let go of a 7-gram crack rock.

Honorable Mention: Trevor Story is the goddamn story of the year. The Colorado Rockies rookie has hit seven home runs in his first six games, an MLB record.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Ethiopia. Step aside Russia, we've got another country who's in big trouble for doing shady shit. The World Anti-Doping Agency is forcing Ethiopia to test 200 athletes for performance enhancing drugs, or the country will be banned from the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF). At least nine Ethiopian athletes are currently suspected of using PEDs. It looks like the high-altitude training isn't the only thing giving Ethiopians an edge at long-distance running.

Quote of the Weekend
"It's the best game that's ever been f*cking invented. And we have to make sure that moms get the message, because that's who's afraid of our game right now. It's not dads; it's moms.” - Bruce Arians

The Arizona Cardinals head coach is tired of your mom's whiny, overprotective bullshit. Arians told a group of coaches at a high school coaching clinic over the weekend that moms are "attacking" football because they're afraid of it.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern) 
MLB. Marlins at Mets - 7pm on ESPN
WWE. Monday Night Raw - 11pm on USA
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