Porta-Potty Push, The Waterboy, & Popsicle Tongue.
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Friday, January 29, 2016

Friday Fun
On Our Instagram: Shaq's getting a statue.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The men's and women's singles final matches are set for the 2016 Australian Open.

WHAT ELSE?
To absolutely no one's surprise, defending Australian Open champions Novak Djokovic and Serena Williams, the No.1 ranked men's and women's tennis players in the world, are still standing. The two top-seeded players reached their final matches with relative ease, which included dominant performances by both Djokovic and Williams in their semifinal contests, and will be the odds-on favorites to take home the top prize yet again. Djokovic will take on the UK's Andy Murray, while Williams faces the German-born Angelique Kerber. A win for Williams would tie her with tennis legend Steffi Graf for most major titles ever.

THOUGHTS?
The Australian Open is the best thing in sports you're not watching right now. How do we know you're (probably) not watching? The Open is in Australia (duh), which means many of the matches are played when us Americans are sound asleep. Not to worry, we've uncovered the dopest rally of the tournament for you. Enjoy!

Good Sport
WATERBOY
Detroit Pistons owner Tom Gores has pledged to raise $10 million to help end Flint, Michigan's contaminated water crisis. High levels of lead in Flint's water supply sickened dozens of people, and may have been responsible for 10 deaths due to Legionnaires’ disease, a waterborne pathogen. Gores campaign will focus on efforts to ensure safe drinking water, fund nutritional programs, and support long-term economic revitalization. It's a generous contribution from Gores, who must view polluted water with the same disgust as Adam Sandler in The Waterboy.

Bad Sport
MY TICKET COSTS HOW MUCH?!
The NFL is being investigated by New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman for their questionable ticket resale policies. The three-year probe is expected to reveal details of how ticket brokers have been buying up loads of NFL tickets, then reselling them with enormous markups to fans via third party ticketing sites (like Ticketmaster, an NFL partner). Reportedly, brokers often use illegal software allowing them to purchase thousands of tickets in just minutes, before putting them back on the market for resale. We miss the good old days when scalpers would screw you over in person instead of from behind a computer screen. Where's the honor these days?

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
DeMarcus Cousins. The Sacramento Kings center scored 56 points against the Charlotte Hornets this week, setting a franchise record for most points scored in a single game (also the most by any player in a game this season). An incredible feat Cousins may have enjoyed more had he not fouled out and been forced to watch his team blow the game in double overtime.

Honorable Mention: Barcelona soccer player Luis "The Vampire" Suarez became the first player to score 30 goals across Europe's top five leagues this season.

Goat of the Week (What 's a goat?)
Dennis Wideman. The Calgary Flames defenseman was suspended indefinitely for cross-checking a referee. His excuse for the dirty deed? His eyes were watering, which caused him to mistake the ref for an opposing player. Good luck presenting that one during your appeal hearing, Denny.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Maty Mauk, the Missouri quarterback who was suspended indefinitely earlier this week for doing blow, has now officially been kicked off the team.

Fan of the Week
A Denver Broncos fan pushed over a porta-potty with a New England Patriots fan sitting inside before the AFC Championship game. We don't have video from inside the crap capsule during the fateful fall, but we can only assume it must have looked something like the "Poo Cocktail Supreme" stunt Steve-O pulled off in Jackass 3D.

Quote of the Week
"I tried to lay on him a few times... I tried to rub my nuts on his face."

The sophisticated Denver shenanigans continued inside the stadium, when an unidentified Broncos pass rusher took instructions to "sack" New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady a tad too literally. The defender proudly (and weirdly) claims he attempted to give Brady a face-full of man-junk multiple times during the AFC Championship Game. He had plenty of opportunities, as Brady was hit a season-high 20 times. That's a lot of ball time for Brady.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Looks like the Average Joe's weren't the only team to get the wrong uniforms in the mail." - Mike Terry

Mike Terry is this week's winner for giving a shout out to our favorite S&M scene in Dodgeball. Heads up, we're throwing a couple koozies your way!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
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