Skull Tattoo, Green League, & Drake Night.
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Friday, November 11, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Green League. In what will come as bitter-sweet news to Martavis Bryant, Josh Gordon, and other football players that have been suspended for their undying love of weed, the NFL is finally studying medical marijuana for its players.
  • Drake Night. The Toronto Raptors have announced they will hold a "Drake Night" on November 16th featuring rapper and Toronto native Aubrey Graham (yes, that's really his f*cking name). We can't wait for singer Wayne Coyne to drop acid during an Oklahoma City Thunder "Flaming Lips Night."
  • Football > USA. Alabama head coach Nick Saban doesn’t give a good goddamn about the election. When asked about it this week, the Crimson Tide head honcho said, “I didn’t even know yesterday was Election Day. We’re focused on other things here.” Nothing, not even America, will stand in the way of another Tide title.
  • I’d Like To Apply For A Job. Nothing, not even a world championship for the first time in 108 years, makes this tattoo okay:

The Main Event
Conor McGregor, Notre Dame's Fightin' Irish stereotype come to life, will attempt to become the first fighter to hold two UFC belts at the same time when he takes on Lightweight Champion Eddie Alvarez at UFC 205 in New York City tomorrow night. If he doesn't kill someone with a chair first...

McGregor, the current UFC Featherweight Champion and preeminent authority on sick burns, moved up in weight (to 155 pounds) to challenge Alvarez, who claims McGregor is nothing but a "scrawny, skinny Irishman who's about to get a beatdown." Uh oh, McGregor, is that a challenger to your "sick burn" thrown? Do you have anything to say to that? "Shut your f*cking mouth. I run New York, I run this whole shit. And Mystic Mac predicts I’m going to KO you inside one round." Alright then. While the winner of "burn champ" remains to be seen, it's worth noting that although McGregor had to move up in weight, he holds a 74" to 69" reach advantage over Alvarez, and is slightly favored to win the fight.

Featured fight aside, UFC 205 will see two other title fights, which is just the second time in UFC history that three belts will be up for grabs in one night. Welterweight Champion Tyron Woodley will defend his belt against Stephen Thompson, while female fighter Karolina Kowalkiewicz will try to pry the strawweight title away from belt holder Joanna Jedrzejczyk.

Kowalkiewicz and Jedrzejczyk provide further evidence that Poland produces the most nightmarish names for pronunciation ever. Ya, you too, coach Krzyzewski.

Good Sport
Can't Stop That Feeling! 
We'll just leave your Aunt Sharon right here.

Bad Sport
Ruben The Reaper
You may have lost your temper at some point playing sports, but you’ve never lost your shit so bad you killed a referee with one punch. Mexican armature soccer player Ruben Rivera Vazquez can’t say the same, as he (you guessed it) killed referee Victor Trejo with a sucker-punch after Trejo issued him a red card.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
The Cleveland Cavaliers. Visited The White House to celebrate their NBA title, which was Cleveland's first major sports championship in 52 years. Kudos to Obama for thanking J.R. Smith's shirt for showing up to the ceremony.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
The New Orleans Pelicans & Philadelphia 76ers. The squads are mirror images of each other, and the view is repulsive. We’re over two weeks into the season, and these teams are a combined 1-15. Congrats on that one win, Pels! Also, Pelicans? Has to be one of the worst names in pro sports.

Quote of the Week
“I love his attitude, he attacks each day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. I model my behavior by him. What a great employee he is. He is a go-getter, he's always got a bounce in his step. He's got pizzazz, he puts his heart and soul into making those patties. I think he's awesome.” - Jim Harbaugh

The Michigan football head coach says he models himself after Spongebob Squarepants. Harbaugh named The Simpsons and SpongeBob SquarePants as his favorite shows after this burn by Marge and Homer surfaced.

Good Old Caption Winner
“Wild animals show trust by checking each other’s fur coats for unwanted insects and parasites. – Sneak preview from Planet Earth III: Sports Edition.” – Mike Collier
Mike gets the win this week thanks to his apparent deep love of nature shows. On a related note, Planet Earth II looks amazing. David Attenborough 4 lyfe.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
We've got your weekend plans right here.
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