Margarita Time, Balls Update, & Final Warning.
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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Impressively Small. Iceland drew with Portugal 1-1 yesterday at the 2016 Euros in their first-ever match at a major tournament. To support their team's monumental moment, an awe-inspiring 10% of Iceland's population came to France to cheer on their team. Well, we guess it's not that impressive when you factor in the teeny-tiny country's total population (323,002).
  • Baseball Can Be Slow. Check out this skateboarding dog that garnered the full and undivided attention of the announcers and camera crew at a San Francisco Giants game. This reminds us that dogs are awesome, and baseball can be slow.
  • Meh. The Rio 2016 Olympic committee unveiled the medals for this year's summer games, and they're about as palatable as Rio's water.

The Main Event
Put away those strap-on dildos and strap on some skates, Las Vegas, the NHL has chosen your city as the home of the league's next expansion team.

Although organizers must pay a $500 million expansion fee and an official announcement isn't expected until after the NHL's Board of Governors meeting on June 22, the expansion is reportedly considered a "done deal." Having beat out Quebec City (sit on it, Canada), this will be the first major sports franchise in Las Vegas, and the first expansion team for the NHL in 15 years (Columbus Blue Jackets and Minnesota Wild). The TBD named team (our vote is for the "Pasties") will become the NHL's 31st team, and will play in the recently-completed T-Mobile Arena. A preliminary starting date for the Pasties has yet to be decided.

We can't wait for all the off-ice stories involving Las Vegas hockey players, which are likely to include: accepting bribes, snorting cocaine, and killing hookers. Here's to a never-ending media field day!

Good Sport
Sports teams from across the country continue to show tremendous support for the Orlando shooting victims. Major League Baseball has announced that all teams will fly their flags at half-staff, and the Tampa Bay Rays are dedicating their Pride Night on Friday to the victims, where they'll offer $5 tickets and free "We Are Orlando" shirts, with the proceeds to benefit the Pulse Victims Fund.

Bad Sport
Final Warning
Russia has been given a suspended disqualification for the 2016 Euros, meaning if their fans have one more violent outburst (like throwing fireworks or chasing down opposing fans), Russia will be booted from the tournament. As of this writing, Russia has a game in about an hour and a half against Slovakia, so, by the time you read this, a Russian fan may have (probably has) already sent his national team home by breaking a bottle over some Slovak's head.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Dunga, who annoyingly goes by one name (typical Brazilian), has been fired ("sacked" in soccer terminology) as the manager of Brazil after the team's early exit from Copa América Centenario.

Balls Update
Yesterday, we asked you which ball-related 2016 Euro incident you found more offensive; Brazil losing to Peru on a bullshit missed handball call, or German coach Joachim Low scratching his balls before taking a big whiff of his fingers. The results are in, and Joachim the junk sniffing coach is our winner with 68.2% of the vote! Apparently, Good Old Sporters would rather see a game-altering error than a dude smelling his own testicle-tainted hand. Thanks for taking the time to talk balls with us!

Related: Disgraced former FIFA president Sepp Blatter claims the Union of European Football Associations (UEFA) rigged tournament draws by refrigerating selection balls, which allowed officials to covertly identify specific balls. Although Blatter said he witnessed it, he claims to have never participated. Oh, Sepp, you slay us.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
With temperatures soaring across much of the country this weekend, including suicide thought-provoking weather in Arkansas (100s) and spontaneous combustion-type temperatures in Arizona (120s), we've chosen a cool-down classic for this week's booze selection: The Margarita.
There are three primary ways to "make" a margarita, one is right, one is wrong, and one is simply "go f*ck yourself." Assuming you don't have the time or energy to make one from scratch (we're here to drink not dick around in the kitchen), pick up a good mix (we like Stirrings) and a better tequila (1800 will do, it's half the price of Patrón but just as classy. Right, Ray Liotta?). Salt a glass, then pour one part tequila to two parts marg mix over copious amounts of cubed ice, dump in a lime wedge, and have a day. If you find yourself pulling out a blender, you're doing it wrong. It seems cute, but the blended ice cuts the flavor of the marg and waters down the drink. If you find yourself buying Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas, go f*ck yourself. For the best margarita experience, do it the right way by sticking to the safe, delicious blueprint we outlined for you. Do it the wrong way, and tequila aficionado Ray Liotta may very well come to your house and beat you with the butt end of a pistol. He's done it before.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Orioles at Red Sox - 7pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Russia vs. Slovakia - 8:30am on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Romania vs. Switzerland - 11:30am on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: France vs. Albania - 2:30pm on ESPN
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