Gronk's Boo Boo, The MLB Pro Bowl, & Ruining Rogue One.
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Friday, December 2, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Tell Us How You Feel, Rob Gronkowski. "Gronk Hurt. Gronk need surgery. Gronk out indefinitely. Gronk sorry your fantasy team suck now. Gronk go chug beers 'til boo boo back feel better."
  • Road Ragin' Cajun. Former NFL player Joe McKnight was shot and killed last night during a road rage incident. While our thoughts are with his friends and family, please use this as a lesson to just let it go when some jerk cuts you off.
  • How The Hell Does This Guy Keep Getting Work? Lane Kiffin, who can thank daddy for getting him his foot in the football door, is a strong favorite to become the University of Houston's next head coach, despite running USC, Tennessee, and the Oakland Raiders into the ground as a head coach. What the shit, man?
  • Tiger's Back. Having likely grown tired of sitting around balding on his couch, Tiger Woods returned to golf after a 466-day hiatus to play in the PGA Tour's Hero World Challenge. And hot damn, after Day 1 he's in 17th place (in the 18-man tournament)!
  • Hot Kicks. The NFL won't be dickbags for once regarding the league's uniform policy by allowing players to wear custom cleats of their choice this week, so long as they support a charitable foundation. Check 'em out here.

The Main Event
It’s the last weekend of the college football regular season, and there’s some important-ass games left that’ll decide the College Football Playoff, the four-team, single-elimination tournament that will give us our national champion.

Of those four playoff spots, there’s just eight teams that have a shot. The world would need to implode for Alabama and Ohio State (who's not even good enough to play for the Big Ten Championship) to not make it, Clemson and Washington are in good shape IF they win this weekend, while Michigan, Wisconsin, Colorado, and Penn State need various (sometimes ridiculous) scenarios to secure a playoff berth. So, who’s in? The odds favor Ohio State (99%) (who doesn't play this weekend because, yeah, they didn't make the Big Ten Championship game), Alabama (93%), Clemson (83%), and Washington (72%), but the results of the major conference championship games this weekend will provide the final word.

As much as we hate to say it, it’s either going to be Alabama or Ohio State winning this whole damn thing. Everyone else is pissing in the wind at this point. Kudos to college football for establishing the most laughable definition of parity imaginable as one of two teams that have combined to win five of the last seven national title games will be able to call themselves champs yet again. F*cking of course we knew this was how it was going to end the entire time. How boring and anticlimactic to know throughout the whole season that these two squads were the only ones with a real shot at the national title. While you're at it, why don’t you spoil the ending of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story before we watch it. Dicks.

Good Sport
King Of Everything
As if LeBron "King" James needed another goddamn jewel to put in his crown, Sports Illustrated just named him 2016's Sportsperson of the Year, which is no longer called "Sportsman of the Year." Did you just assume my gender, asswhipe? Meanwhile, we'll continue to drink beer, eat like shit, and yell at millionaire pro athletes 10 years younger than us on TV in a dive bar every weekend.

Bad Sport
The MLB's Pro Bowl
Of the many changes baseball will enact next season due to the new collective bargaining agreement, the one we hate the most is that the MLB All-Star Game will no longer decide home-field advantage in the World Series. Sure, the new rule of having home-field go to the "pennant winner with the better regular-season record" probably makes more sense, but now the All-Star Game carries next to no weight. Lookout, NFL Pro Bowl, you've got some new competition for the most pointless exhibition game in sports.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Vin Scully. The recently-retired, longtime Los Angeles Dodgers announcer celebrated what has to be his 900th birthday this week. Kudos to you, Scully, for presiding over the Dodgers since the Middle Ages.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Jay Cutler. Not that anyone gives a shit, but the Chicago Bears' smug and terrible quarterback's season is officially over due to shoulder surgery. Cutler, who has likely played his last game for the Bears, will conclude his tenure in Chicago with a grand total of one playoff appearance (in eight seasons), which he of course lost. "Don't let da door hit ya on da way out!" - Drunk Chicago natives probably eating sausage right now.

Quote of the Week
“I’ve been impressed with Brandon and what he’s done out of the backfield. You’ve got to deal with him, in addition to Danny. You’ve got playmakers all around, so we have to play sound defense.” - Jeff Fisher

The Los Angeles Rams coach discussed the New England Patriots' talented running back core. The problem? The running backs on the Pats are named LeGarrette Blount, Dion Lewis, and James White. We want whatever the hell Jeff Fisher is smoking, please.

Good Old Caption Winner
"I'm in a glass case of emotion!" - Shane Barclay

Only Ron Burgundy on a hot day with warm milk can understand how upset Montreal Canadiens centerman Andrew Shaw is here.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Get as drunk as a college student while watching all the conference championship games this weekend.
Link of the Day: Napoleon Dynamite is back, baby! With Cheesy Tots at Burger King.
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