Neutered Nick, Mac's Big Break, & Call 999!
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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Quick Hits
  • No Sympathy. The Oklahoma City Thunder mercilessly crushed the Los Angeles Lakers 112-79 in Kobe Bryant's final road game. That's like not letting your grandpa win one last game of shuffleboard before he kicks the bucket. Dick move, OKC.
  • Bowl Break. After shitty teams with 5-7 records were needed to fill all the college football bowl games last season, the NCAA decided to prohibit the creation of any new bowl games for the next three years. Considering there's already 41 of these damn things, we're more than ok with it. Seriously, how proud could a team possibly be to win the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl?
  • Bad Influence? Yesterday we found out that Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon, who was suspended for the entire 2015 season for substance abuse, has been living with party boy Johnny Manziel. Hours later, news broke that Gordon had failed yet another drug test. Hmm...
  • Neutered Nick. In case you were wondering, Los Angeles Lakers guard Nick Young is still in the doghouse after a video in which he admitted to cheating on his "rapper" fiancée Iggy Azalea went public (thanks to teammate D'Angelo Russell). On a radio show, Azalea said if Young screws up one more time she'll cut off his dick, which is so much better than the horrendous things she said last time we heard her on the radio.
  • Clinching A Painful Defeat. The Cleveland Cavaliers clinched the top seed in the Eastern Conference with a 109-94 win over the Atlanta Hawks last night, providing the Cavs with a much easier path to The Finals where they'll undoubtedly lose to either Golden State or San Antonio.

The Main Event
Holy H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, the 2015-16 NHL regular season is already over? What the hell happened, and where do we go from here?

In putting the 2015-16 regular season in terms of high school-hierarchy, the Washington Capitals were the homecoming king, while the Toronto Maple Leafs were the AV kid who just got another tray of spaghetti dumped on his head by the school bully, the Anaheim Ducks. The Caps won the President's Trophy (which is a fancy way of saying they had the best record), the Maple Leafs finished with a league-worst 29-42 record, and the rough-and-tumble Ducks registered a league-high 1,023 penalty minutes. Elsewhere, Chicago Blackhawks right winger Patrick Kane became the first American player to lead the league in scoring, the Florida Panthers made the playoffs for just the second time this century (partly thanks to 44-year-old Panthers winger Jaromir Jagr having an old man season for the record books), and journeyman John Scott became the most unlikely, and beloved NHL All-Star Game MVP in history... so much so they're making a damn movie out of it.

That brings us to the playoffs, where 16 teams will battle for the right to drink backwashed Bud Light out of a filthy silver bowl (pictured above). The postseason begins tomorrow night and runs through mid-June. Check out if your team has a chance of spreading herpes simplex virus to one another by taking a look at the first round schedule, right here.

Hold on, the NHL playoffs are almost two freakin' months long? Isn't that way too long? Hell no, hockey's the bee's knees. We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if it were in the realm of physical possibility. Shame on you for asking.

Good Sport
The Australians Are Coming
Cameron McEvoy is the Australian version of Michael Phelps... sans the weed. He set a national record, and a new textile-world-best, in the 100m freestyle at the Rio Olympic trials last night (47.04 seconds). Meanwhile, fellow Aussie Cate Campbell clocked a 52.41 in the women's 100m, which would have been good enough for gold at the 2012 London Games. Needless to say, our American boys and girls are gonna have their hands full in Rio this summer.

Honorable Mention: Some lucky hockey fan won $100k after making a 115-foot shot through an impossibly tiny hole, pulling off what Mac from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia never could.

Bad Sport
Call 999!
English boxer Jamie Cox doesn't need to be in a ring to throw a punch. The WBO European super-middleweight champion was sentenced to more than six months in prison for breaking into his ex-girlfriend's apartment and beating her. Cox's ex called 999 before he broke in, and the phone call captured Cox saying, "I will knock you spark out." While researching this story, the Good Old Sport team learned that 999 is England's version of 911, "spark out" means to knock someone unconscious, and that Jamie Cox is a complete scumbag. The more you know.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Arizona Coyotes general manager Don Maloney was fired for having the managerial skills of a wet paper bag. The Coyotes finished at 35-39 on the season, which led them to miss the playoffs for the fourth year in a row.

Never Forget
The time a fan saw an opportunity to impress scouts by shooting a three, but just ended up embarrassing himself in front of 20,000 people with more than two quarters of game left to soak in the shame. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Thunder at Spurs - 8pm on TNT; Grizzlies at Clippers - 10:30pm on TNT
SOCCER. Champions League: Manchester City vs. Paris Saint-Germain - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
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