Ron Burgundy, Going Out On Bottom, & Hangin' Up The Goggles.
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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Kd's Is Closed. Just three weeks after leaving the OKC Thunder to join the Golden State Warriors, Kevin Durant's Oklahoma City restaurant, "Kd's," has closed. Loaded Yelp reviews like, "When I first ate his food, it tasted amazing, food made with respect, honesty and trust. Now it just tastes like the food of a traitor" probably didn't help.
  • Sick Amount Of Money. Tyler Johnson has enough money to make you sick, or at least him sick. The Miami Heat guard said he "threw up a couple times" when he heard about his four-year, $50 million contract extension.
  • Going Out On Bottom. Three-time Pro-Bowl wide receiver, and Super Bowl XLVII champion, Anquan Boldin has signed a one-year deal with the Detroit Lions to ensure his career ends on a low note.
  • More Bad Calls. For those of you who like terrible coaching decisions in critical moments, the Seattle Seahawks just made sure you'll see more of them by signing head coach Pete "worst call in NFL history" Carroll to a three-year contract extension.
  • Moving On. After 28 years with ESPN, NFL analyst Tom Jackson will reportedly leave the network. At least he won't have to listen to co-analyst Chris Berman discuss the finer points of drug smuggling anymore. Speaking of drugs...
  • Branding Is Everything. Rio drug dealers have caught Olympic fever, and are trying to profit off the Games' popularity by selling branded bags of blow. Don't worry, each baggie comes with a "don't use near children" disclaimer (in red).

The Main Event
'Tis the season for hazing, childish pranks, and alpha males pummeling the hell out of each other. No, we're not referring to rush week for frats, we're talking about the start of NFL training camp! Most rookies have already reported, and veterans are due to report by Saturday.

Hope springs eternal for NFL players and teams alike with the start of training camp, as a fresh start and a new season represent limitless opportunities filled with Super Bowl aspirations. Hell, even the Cleveland Browns are optimistic. However, those hopes are destined to be dashed, especially for the Browns, as 90-man rosters are cut down to 53 players before the start of the regular season (9/8), and teams finally see their on-field product during preseason games, almost always resulting in crippling disappointment. Even good teams aren't immune to the preseason blues, as devastating injuries can dash titles hopes for top squads before a meaningful down is played (Jordy Nelson, anyone?). Still, there's reason to watch, with position battles serving up all sorts of intrigue. Namely, who the hell's gonna be the Broncos' quarterback? And will this year's first-overall draft pick, St. Louis Rams quarterback Jared Goff, be thrown to the wolves week 1? Luckily, the NFL has developed its own soap opera in the form of Hard Knocks, so we'll get a first-hand look at how the Rams plan on destroying their young QB.

Sorry for throwing shade, Cleveland. Congrats on your undefeated 2016 season thus far. That better?

Good Sport
Hangin' Up The Goggles
Amar’e Stoudemire, the greatest goggle-wearing basketball player since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, has retired after a 14-year NBA career. A first-round pick by the Phoenix Suns in 2002, Stoudemire shot out of the gate by winning Rookie of the Year in 2003, and eventually became a six-time All-Star. After eight seasons with the Suns, Stoudemire went to New York, where he helped guide the Knicks' ascent from a garbage team to a below-average team. Despite playing in Phoenix longer, Stoudemire is retiring as a Knick, because, apparently, his three (very early) playoff exits in five years with the Knicks are the highlight of his career.

Somewhat Related: It only took one season in the NBA for Sasha Kaun to win more championships than Amar’e Stoudemire. The Russian-born player, who logged zero playoff minutes during his one year with the Cleveland Cavaliers, is retiring a champion.

Bad Sport
Federer Is Finished
World No. 3 tennis player Roger Federer, who previously won Olympic gold in Beijing (doubles) and silver in London (singles), will miss the Rio Olympics and the rest of the 2016 tennis season because of a knee injury. Some may think he's playing it safe, but considering he injured the knee while running a bubble bath for his daughter, maybe staying in his death-trap of a home isn't such a good idea.

Bad Service
Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Nigel Bradham doesn't like waiting for his food. He was arrested on battery charges for punching a waiter in the face and breaking his nose, reportedly because the waiter took too long to serve Bradham and his friends. God forbid if the server got their order wrong...

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Major League Soccer's Seattle Sounders have sounded the alarm on Sigi Schmid, firing the deadbeat coach after a 6-12-2 start to the season and a current ninth-place standing (out of 10) in the Western Conference.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
In honor of National Scotch Day, we've selected a manly-man cocktail that would make Ron Burgundy proud; The Rob Roy.
The Rob Roy, which is pretty much a Manhattan made with scotch instead of whiskey, was named after 17th century outlaw Robert Roy MacGregor, who was known as "The Scottish Robin Hood." If gulping down a cocktail named after a man like that doesn't put some Ron Burgundy-style hair on your chest, we don't know what will. To acquire said upper-body fur, simply combine two ounces of scotch (Ron Burgundy even has his own brand, Great Odin's Raven), 3/4 ounce of sweet vermouth, and few dashes of angostura bitters in a mixing glass filled with ice, and strain into a cocktail glass. If you're looking to drink it with your pinky out, throw in a couple maraschino cherries. Nothing beats booze-soaked fruit at the end of a cocktail. Enjoy, and stay classy.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. White Sox at Cubs - 8pm on ESPN
SOCCER. International Champions Cup: Real Madrid vs. Paris Saint-Germain - 7:30pm on ESPN2; International Champions Cup: Bayern Munich vs. AC Milan - 9:30pm on ESPN2; International Champions Cup: Chelsea vs. Liverpool - 11:30pm on ESPN
GOLF. Live From the PGA Championship - 9am on Golf Channel
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