Rio Bomb Squad Appearance, Madonna the Crypt Keeper, & Fowler's Terrible Haircut.
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Monday, August 8, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
Alex Rodriguez, the steroid-abusing New York Yankees infielder who buys his hookers two at a time, is "retiring" after 22 seasons in Major League Baseball.

We say "retiring" because the Yankees are actually releasing him. However, they're making the split appear amicable by paying him to be a "special adviser and instructor with the team" through 2017, only because the team is contractually obligated to fulfill the remainder of A-Rod's contract, which ends after next season. As bad as he's going to be as an adviser, he couldn't be any worse than he's been as a player this season. In 30 plate appearances since the All-Star break, A-Rod's registered just three hits and has been relegated to a part-time DH after being benched in June. It's a long fall from grace for the 14-time All-Star, who's collected three MVPs, 696 home runs (fourth-most all-time), and a World Series ring in 2009, despite being one the games' most hated players. Perhaps years of denial before finally admitting what he took from his "doctor" were steroids and not Tic Tacs is what made it hard for fans to forgive him. In any case, A-Rod leaves behind a complex legacy filled with monumental success, shocking betrayal, and a flat-out gross affair with former material girl, and current Crypt Keeper, Madonna.

If you ever start to waver on your hatred for A-Rod, just remember that he once raised $403,862 for charity, but only $5,090 of it actually went to charity.

Good Sport
Almost As Good As A Win
American golfer Jim Furyk shot a record 58 in the final round of the Travelers Championship, a tournament that golfers aren't afraid to play in. Furyk's 58-stroke round is the lowest score in PGA Tour history. What could possibly be better than that? Winning. Despite his incredible day, Scottish golfer Russell Knox finished in first (-14) to collect the $1,188,000 top prize. But hey, Furyk is still the best damn fifth-place finisher we've ever seen.

Honorable Mention: American swimmer Michael Phelps won another gold medal (his 19th) in the 4x100 meters freestyle relay yesterday, which is probably about as surprising as us telling you that Johnny Manziel went clubing and got into another car wreck (he did). Elsewhere in the pool, American Katie Ledecky beat her own world record to win the 400-meter freestyle (3:56.46).

Honorable Mention: The American women and men's Olympic basketball teams kicked ass this weekend. The women set an Olympic record by scoring the most points ever in a 121-56 ass-whooping of Senegal. Meanwhile, the men's team was so bored during their 119-62 win over China they had to play Rock-Paper-Scissors to entertain themselves.

Bad Sport
Double The Struggle
For the first times ever, Serena and Venus Williams lost an Olympic match as partners, falling to Czech Republic's Lucie Safarova and Barbora Strycov. Prior to the match, the sisters were 15-0 and had earned three doubles gold medals. Like we mentioned last week, perhaps Serena should have focused more on practicing and less on twerking before the Olympics.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The International Paralympic Committee has bigger balls than the International Olympic Committee, having banned all Russian athletes from the Paralympic Games in Rio.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Apparently, the sound of shattered Olympic dreams and shattered bones are one and the same, as French gymnast Samir Aït Saïd found out on the below vault attempt. At least the medics didn't drop him after they put him on a stretcher... oh wait.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Ichiro Suzuki. The Japanese-born Miami Marlins outfielder slapped a triple in yesterday's 10-7 win over the Colorado Rockies to become the 30th player in MLB history to record 3,000 hits. Pete Rose must be "thrilled."

Honorable Mention: Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszú broke the 400-meter individual medley world-record by more than two seconds, finishing with a time of 4 minutes and 26.36 seconds, which was the biggest leap in world progression since 1980. If you ask "sexist" NBC commentator Dan Hicks, Hosszú's success was all thanks to her husband and coach, Shane Tusup. Thank god Shane let Katinka out of the kitchen long enough to swim, eh, Dan?

Honorable Mention: Baltimore Orioles slugger Manny Machado became just the second player in MLB history to hit homers in the first, second, and third innings of a game during a 10-2 win over the Chicago White Sox on Sunday. Machado didn't get a single hit from the fourth inning on, so color us not impressed.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Annemiek van Vleuten. The Dutch road racing cyclist was in first place with just seven miles to go of the 85-mile women's Olympic road race when she ate shit in spectacular fashion, allowing teammate Anna van der Breggen to pull ahead for the Gold. Here's hoping van der Breggen can temper her excitement of winning the gold when she visits van Vleuten in the hospital.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The NFL grounds crew for the Hall of Fame Game (the first pre-season game of the season), because last night's game between the Green Bay Packers and the Indianapolis Colts was cancelled due to the recently-painted midfield logo turning into a slip n' slide. 2016's already coming up roses for the NFL.

Quote of the Weekend
"I broke my dick." - Dennis Rodman
The former NBA player detailed a few of his sexual escapades in an animated interview with Viceland, including three instances where "he broke his dick," with one of those encounters leading to a hospital visit where doctors tried to sell pictures of his broken member after the exam for $25k. Never stop doing you, D-Rod.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016. Equestrian - 9am on USA; Women's field hockey (U.S. vs. Australia), women's fencing - 9am on NBC Sports; Tennis (second round) - 9:30am on Bravo; Rowing, men's water polo (U.S. vs. Spain), swimming, canoe/kayak - 10am on NBC; Women's basketball (U.S. vs. Spain) - 11am on NBC Sports; Tennis (second round) - 12:30pm on Bravo; Women's fencing, women's rugby, table tennis - 1pm on NBC Sports; Men's basketball (Australia vs. Serbia) - 2:15pm on MSNBC; Women's volleyball (U.S. vs. Netherlands) - 2pm on NBC; Men's beach volleyball (Brazil vs. Austria), women's handball (Brazil vs. Romania) - 2:30pm on USA; Women's rugby, beach volleyball, men's water polo (Hungary vs. Australia), table tennis - 5pm on CNBC; Men's diving men's gymnastics, swimming, women's beach volleyball (U.S. vs. China) - 8pm on NBC; Women's volleyball (Brazil vs. Argentina), men's boxing - 9:30pm on NBC Sports
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