No Apples, Bone-Headed Basketball, & Sad Odell.
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Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Quick Hits
  • A Wild Wild Card Game. Despite their fans being bottle-throwing jerks, the Toronto Blue Jays sent the Baltimore Orioles home, thanks to Edwin Encarnacion's three-run walk-off home run in the bottom of the 11th inning.
  • He Doesn't Like Those Apples. During the press junket for his new movie, The Accountant (where the writers must have lost a bet and had to write a movie around the most boring job in the world), Ben Affleck learned that his New England Patriots were losing 16-0 to Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills, and his reaction was hilarious.
  • Keep The Back, Then Braid It. Looking to stand out for reasons other than his constant bone-headed plays, Golden State Warriors center JaVale McGee probably asked his barber to f- his shit up and walked out with this stupid-ass haircut that's going to look great on the bench all next year.
  • Booger Sugar. In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, boxer Tyson Fury proclaimed his love for cocaine, saying, "I’ve done lots of cocaine. Lots of it. Why shouldn’t I take cocaine?" He also went on to call himself, "as fat as pig," and that he, an Irish Traveler (Gypsy), faces racism everyday. He then posted this Sarah McLachlan-esque video to his Twitter. Seeing how busy the guy is, it's no wonder why he's a big fan of the booger sugar.
  • Pity Ring. After being fired in the middle of the Cleveland Cavaliers' championship season, the ex-head coach/hiring mistake David Blatt decided to accept the team's championship ring offer, presumably to sell for cash since he's now head coach of Turkish basketball team Darüşşafaka.

The Main Event
"Those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it." - Winston Churchill

Denver Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib should have brushed up on his Churchill quotes before repeating Plaxico Burress' mistake. Dallas police concluded Talib shot himself in the leg, like Burress back in 2008, who was later sentenced to two years of jail time as a result.

Talib's leg wound took place in June, and he's played every game this season, but that could change after the police investigation. While it's legal to carry a handgun in Texas (of course it is), it's illegal to carry at a place that sells liquor, and the strip club he shot himself at does. Talk about a premature, pants-ruining accident at a strip club.

We all know football players do dumb things, but shooting yourself in the leg has to be one of the dumbest.

Good Sport
Lace No More
Raffle tickets to order Nike's Back To The Future II self-lacing shoes went on sale yesterday (Nike+ Account required), and we want them. There are less than 100 pairs of these limited edition sneakers available and entry tickets are $10 each (100% of proceeds benefit Michael J. Fox Foundation), and while that's noble and everything, we're going to invest in the Powerball, which we'd wager has better winning odds than these ridiculously limited edition shoes.

Bad Sport
No Sympathy
Drop whatever you're doing and pull out the world's smallest violin, because Odell Beckham Jr., the struggling New York Giants wide receiver, says he's not having fun playing football anymore. Well guess what, we're not having fun watching a whining cry baby get paid to play football, so shut up and enjoy making millions.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Even though cooler weather is hitting most of the nation, you can still pretend it’s summertime with our booze selection of the week: the Sex on the Beach.
The title of this tropical drink is certainly giggle-worthy for juveniles, which is why it’s perfect for us and our readers. Here’s a fun tip: instead of making yourself one, make a point to loudly order this cocktail at an inappropriate public setting, like at your baby cousin’s Christening brunch or your great Uncle Phil’s wake reception. Your family and friends are certain to be impressed!

After you’ve done this once and are no longer welcomed at family functions, you can continue to make these at home by adding 1.5 ounces each of vodka, orange juice, and cranberry juice, along with .5 ounces of Peach schnapps to a shaker with ice. Shake and strain over ice in a highball glass, adding an orange slice for garnish. Your bereaved family doesn’t know what they’re missing!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB PLAYOFFS. Giants at Mets - 8pm on ESPN
NCAA FOOTBALL. Georgia Southern at Arkansas State - 8pm on ESPN2
WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL. TCU at Baylor - ESPNU at 7pm; Texas A&M at Arkansas - 9pm on ESPNU
GOLF. Fiji International - 9:30pm on GOLF
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