The Pizza Roll King, Robbing The Cradle, & Missed Fist Bump.
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Thursday, June 30, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Robbing The Cradle. The University of Michigan has offered a scholarship to Sol-Jay Maiava, an eighth-grade quarterback from Hawaii. In other news, NASA is recruiting sixth graders who've passed their Solar System quiz.
  • Ride's Over. Roger Federer ended the fairy-tale Wimbledon ride for Marcus "Cartman" Willis, the 772nd-ranked player who became a fan favorite at the tournament. Willis had fun though, celebrating like he'd won after a few of his better shots, all while wearing a Roger Federer-branded Nike shirt. Still, our favorite Wimbledon moment of the day was when this line judge was left hanging on a fist bump.
  • Thanks, But No Thanks. It's official, the LA Lakers are too shitty to get a meeting with prized NBA free agent Kevin Durant. Although the Lakers are very interested, Durant is passing over last year's second-worst team for better opportunities (meetings with Clippers, Warriors, and Thunder, among others).
  • Weed For The Common Man. Former NFL quarterback, and long-haired hippie, Jake Plummer supports the use of weed in football, saying players should have the right to "puff on this fatty, relax after a football game, and take the pain away." He went on to name Dallas Cowboys "billionaire asshole" owner Jerry Jones as part of the problem, leaving us with a major man-crush on Mr. Plummer.
  • Swap. The Montreal Canadiens and Nashville Predators swapped two of the NHL's best defenders, with the Canadiens sending P. K. Subban to the Preds in exchange for Shea Weber. After watching Subban donate $10m to Montreal Children's Hospital, we're certain Nashville's Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital forced the Preds' hand in a thinly-veiled ploy to collect a donation.
  • That's A Lot Of Money, For A Hockey Player. Tampa Bay Lightning captain, three-time All-Star center, and top NHL free agent Steven Stamkos will return to the Lightning on an eight-year deal worth $8.5m a year, which is chump change compared to what Andrew Luck just got paid...

The Main Event
The Indianapolis Colts just made quarterback Andrew Luck the highest paid player in NFL history, signing him to a six-year, $140 million contract, with $87 million in guarantees.

Luck's record-setting contract surpasses the previous richest deal by $8 million (Calvin Johnson, $132 million), and crushes the record for most guaranteed money (Eli Manning and Philip Rivers, $65 million). Although Luck had an injury-plagued, piss-poor 2015 campaign (set career-lows in passer rating, average yards, and committed 13 turnovers in just seven games), he's still the face of the franchise, making the Pro Bowl and leading the Colts to the playoffs in each of his first three years in the league. For that, he's now the richest man in NFL history, and one of the richest athletes in all of sports. Well, most sports. We'll glaze over the fact that 50 MLB contracts have more guaranteed money than Luck's.

Andrew Luck's total contract ($140m) is worth about four times as much as the nominal Gross Domestic Product of the nation of Tuvalu. Global perspective, bitch.

Good Sport
Novak Vs. The Pizza Roll King
Tennis star Novak Djokovic beat Adrian Mannarino in a second-round Wimbledon match yesterday for his 30th-consecutive Grand Slam victory, an open era record. Big whoop, this hero ate 40 Pizza Rolls in just under four minutes. Where's his commendation?

Bad Sport
She Must Be Guilty
Russian distance runner Lidiya Grigoryeva, who won the Boston Marathon in 2007 and the Chicago Marathon in 2008, has been banned by the IAAF for 2 1/2 years for doping. We're not too surprised, as we're automatically suspicious of any marathon winner that isn't Kenyan or Ethiopian. Is it racist if it's a complement?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Human trainwreck Johnny Manziel just made a vow to kick alcohol and drugs to focus on his NFL career beginning July 1st... right after his kickass alcohol and drug-fueled party in Cabo this week.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of these beer-drinking, selfie-taking Brides of Christ enjoying a holy day at the ballgame. Winner gets a Good Old Sport baseball tee and a good old fashioned Sunday School beating with a ruler.

Send your captions to

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Poland vs. Portugal - 2:30pm on ESPN
GOLF. Open de France, First-Round Play - 4:30am on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, First-Round Play - 1:30pm on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: Barracuda Championship, First-Round Play - 6:30pm on Golf Channel
TENNIS. Wimbledon, Second-Round Play - 7am on ESPN
CFL FOOTBALL. Ottawa at Montreal - 7pm on ESPN2; Toronto at Saskatchewan - 10pm on ESPN2
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