Rodgers On The Bachelorette, Bro Of The Week, & The Tribe Has Spoken.
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Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
Atlanta, South Florida, and Los Angeles have been selected to host Super Bowl LIII (2019), Super Bowl LIV (2020), and Super Bowl LV (2021), respectively.

WHAT ELSE?
Typically, markets with new stadiums are almost guaranteed to be awarded a Super Bowl. That's the case here, as the Atlanta Falcons' new silver anus of a stadium (pictured above) opens in 2017, the Miami Dolphins are polishing their turd of a stadium thanks to a $450 million renovation, and the Los Angeles Rams are building the world's most expensive stadium complex ($2.6 billion) in the heart of gangland (Inglewood). Over/under five minutes until someone tags it?

Miami will host the Super Bowl for an NFL-record 11th time (New Orleans is second with 10), Los Angeles nabbed it for the eighth time, while Atlanta gets its third go-around.

THOUGHTS?
Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross had an LOL moment when asked about winning hosting rights to the Super Bowl, saying, "the only thing better than winning the 2020 Super Bowl is playing in it and winning it." For the record, no hosting city has ever won the Super Bowl in their own stadium... and when it does happen, it sure as hell won't be the Dolphins (zero playoff wins in the last 15 seasons).

Good Sport
The Undefeated Tribe Has Spoken
Pitchers Stephen Strasburg (Washington Nationals) and Josh Tomlin (Cleveland Indians) both notched wins last night to keep their undefeated streaks alive. Strasburg moved to 8-0 with an 11-strikeout performance against the New York Mets, while Tomlin moved to 7-0 by taking care of the Chicago White Sox. In doing so, Tomlin handed White Sox pitcher Chris Sale his first loss of the season (9-1), thus kicking him out of the undefeated club comprised of Strasburg, Tomlin, and Jake Arrieta (minimum six wins). Sorry, Sale, the tribe has spoken.

Honorable Mention: NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager and his fancy suits have been selected to receive the Jimmy V Perseverance Award at the 2016 ESPYs. Sager has been battling a terminal form of leukemia while still reporting on games.

Bad Sport
NYPD vs. FDNY
A charity football game between members of the New York City Police and Fire Departments turned bloody after an exchanging of words led to an all-out melee between the two squads. It's unclear what was said to spark the brawl, but we assume an NYPD player took a page out of Matt Damon's book in The Departed by telling the firefighters to, "go save a kitten in a tree, ya f*ckin' homos." The "homos" ended up losing 29-13.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: New tests revealed 14 Russian athletes tested positive for performance enhancing drugs at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. We're not surprised, since Russians have been juicing since the '80s (looking at you, Ivan Drago).

Bro of the Week
Jesus, just look at San Diego Chargers quarterback Zach Mettenberger. 

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
In honor of Mettenberger, this week's booze selection is our trashiest yet; the Redneck Mimosa.
Champagne and orange juice mimosas... what are you, a member at a yacht club? If you're looking for an adult beverage that'll put hair on your face and tribal tattoos on your biceps, look no further than the Redneck Mimosa. Perfect for Sunday morning benders in your kiddy pool, traditional Redneck Mimosa recipes call for a half pint of white ale or wheat beer, accompanied with half a pint of orange juice. It makes for a mighty fine treat, with the natural orange zest of the beer playing right off the orange juice. Too redneck to afford fancy shit like wheat beer and orange juice? We got you. Milwaukee's Best and orange Gatorade make a fine substitute. Show up with a batch of that to your next muddin' soirée and you'll be toast of the toothless town. Now go get 'em, Cletus!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 5: Raptors at Cavaliers - 8:30pm on ESPN (series tied 2-2)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 6: Blues at Sharks - 9pm on NBC Sports (Sharks lead 3-2)
SOCCER. International Friendly: U.S. vs. Ecuador - 8pm on ESPN2
GOLF. U.S. Amateur Four-Ball Championship, semifinals and championship - 3pm on Fox Sports 1; NCAA Women's Golf Championships: Team match play finals - 6pm on Golf Channel
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