Gossip King, Showboating, & Ball Kiss.
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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Quick Hits
  • I'm Draymond Green, Welcome To Jackass. Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green will not be suspended for tonight's game against the Oklahoma City Thunder for that Steven Adams ball kick, although the sack tap did make it into this Jackass-style mashup of all the biffs in this year's NBA playoffs.
  • Hair Loss. LeBron James is going to lose more hair after last night's game. The Toronto Raptors teased the Cleveland Cavaliers by letting them overcome an 18-point deficit, only to dash their hopes with a 105-99 win to tie the Eastern Conference Finals (2-2). Don't worry, LeBron, there's always Rogaine.
  • Glass Half Full. The San Jose Sharks beat the St. Louis Blues 6-3 last night, giving the Sharks a franchise record 11th playoff win in a single season. Sure, that means the Sharks haven't won dick to date (never won a conference final or Stanley Cup), but it also means they're just one win away from making their first Stanley Cup appearance. #ThinkPositive.
  • Let's Walk. MLB is mulling some rule adjustments, including changing intentional walks so batters are automatically awarded the base instead of having to wait through four pitches. It's true 99.9% of the time intentional walks are the biggest waste of time in sports, but we say keep 'em around for when those intentionally bad pitches aren't bad enough, and result in RBIs or walk-off dingers.
  • Gossip King. Lil Dicky, known for rap videos like, "$ave Dat Money," released a new video where he spread fake rumors between NFL stars Von Miller, Rob Gronkowski, and Antonio Brown. Namely, he tried convincing Gronk that Miller and Brown said he shouldn't be on the cover of Madden 17... they didn't say that.
  • Ball Kiss. Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Ryan Vogelsong was carted off the field after kissing a fastball (below). On the plus side, the Pirates won 6-3, so we hope that brings a (what we assume is now toothless) smile to Vogelsong's face.

The Main Event
Roger Goodell and the NFL are the deceitful scumbags we always knew they were. Yesterday, a congressional report revealed the NFL tried to inappropriately influence a brain injury study to "conduct concussion research that would serve its own interests."

The NFL gave a $30 million "unrestricted" gift to the National Institute of Health (NIH), who could use the money how they saw fit to complete a research project that would evaluate the relationship between football and concussions. However, once the NIH chose a head researcher the NFL didn't like (Robert Stern of Boston University, who had previously been critical of the NFL), the league demanded Stern be removed in favor of members of the NFL's own league-sanctioned researchers. The NIH recognized this as horseshit and refused, which caused the NFL to break the agreement and back out of the grant they had promised.

The most hilarious part of this whole thing is the NFL's insistence to not only reject the NIH's head researcher recommendation, but suggest they use NFL-sanctioned researches instead. That's like knowingly hiring a crew of referees to officiate a game who have money riding on one of the teams. Nice try, dickbags.

Good Sport
0.00 ERA
New York Mets pitcher Noah "Thor" Syndergaard was named National League Player of the Week for lowering the hammer by limiting opponents to no earned runs, striking out 21, and conceding zero walks in 14 innings of work. As for the AL, Miguel Cabrera and Cameron Maybin of the Detroit Tigers weren't good enough to earn an award on their own, and will have to share American League Player of the Week honors.

Bad Sport
Deflategate Shit Show: Part IV
The NFLPA and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady are appealing his four-game suspension for the "Deflategate" scandal, which was reinstated by a federal appeals court in April. If this latest appeal fails, which it's more than likely to, Brady can petition for his case to be heard by the Supreme Court, where it will definitely fail, as only about 80 of the 7,000 petitions received each year are heard. When that fails, Brady will likely revert to a literal "biggest dick" contest with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, where they'll whip it out to see who's the bigger man, which is what this has been about since day one.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A pair of Spanish sailing team members were mugged at gunpoint in Rio while training for this summer's Olympic Games. Let's not jump to conclusions... maybe the assailants were putting on a pretend mugging à la Seinfeld to give the visiting Olympians the "thrill" of a real Rio mugging.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Manchester United weren't very good this year, and they've fired manager Louis van Gaal accordingly.

Never Forget
Showboating is never a good idea no matter how strong your game is. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Cardinals - 7pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 4: Warriors at Thunder - 9pm on TNT (Thunder lead 2-1)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 6: Penguins at Lightning - 8pm on NBC Sports (Lightning lead 3-2)
GOLF. NCAA Women's Golf Championships: Team match play quarterfinals - 1:30pm on Golf Channel; U.S. Amateur Four-Ball Championship - 3pm on Fox Sports 1; NCAA Women's Golf Championships: Team match play semifinals - 6:30pm on Golf Channel
WNBA. Los Angeles at Chicago - 7pm on ESPN2
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