FIFA Fail, Pack Your Shit, & Uno!
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Friday, October 7, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Buck Plug. Here's some fun news if you hate Joe Buck (hello, everyone); the sportscaster almost ruined his career with an addiction to hair plug treatments when a botched procedure left him with a paralyzed left vocal chord in 2011. What a fitting ending it would have been.
  • The Next ANW Champ. Ever wonder what a backyard American Ninja Warrior obstacle course would look like? This dad stopped wondering and started building, and had his young daughter run the course while providing commentary. She killed it.
  • Anybody But Him. With a two interception game, quarterback Blaine Gabbert lead his 49ers (wearing all black) to a 21-33 loss vs. the Arizona Cardinals, who played without their starting quarterback. On the plus side, as terrible as Gabbert continues to play, his hair just keeps looking better and better.
  • Wicked Sick, Kid! Calling all loud-mouth, dipshit Boston sports fans! With a charity donation, you could win the chance to bro around with Tom Brady, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck for a day in Beantown. Unapologetic smugness is also (probably) a prerequisite to enter the contest, but hey, you’re a douchebag Boston sports fan so you already have that nailed!
  • Wicked Weak, Kid! The Boston Red Sox gave up three dingers in one inning last night, so they obviously lost Game 1 of their ALDS series to the Cleveland Indians, 5-4. Elsewhere, the Texas Rangers didn't even f*cking try, as they got their asses kicked 10-1 in Game 1 of the other ALDS series against the Toronto Blue Jays.
  • FIFA Fail. GameSprout put together a FIFA 17 glitch compilation video, complete with Zlatan Ibrahimović eating butt and liking it (below), blackface where there shouldn’t be blackface, and players 69ing each other. It’s worth a look.

The Main Event
For those uninterested in watching the NFL, MLB playoffs, college football, soccer, NBA and NHL preseasons, NASCAR, golf, or paint dry this weekend, the WNBA Finals start on Sunday!

Fitting with the WNBA’s apathy towards parity, the Minnesota Lynx are making their fifth appearance in the Finals in the last six years. How exciting! Opposing them will be the Los Angeles Sparks, who despite having not made the Finals since 2003, carried the second-best record in the WNBA this year (26-8) behind, you guessed it, the Lynx (28-6). The two played each other three times during the regular season, with the Lynx taking two of three. We’ll find out if Minnesota can secure a record-tying fourth WNBA title (the now defunct Houston Comets) after a best-of-five series, because not even the number of games can be equal to the men’s league, let alone the pay.

What chance did the rest of the playoff field stand when this ended up being the postseason award group?

Most Valuable Player: Nneka Ogwumike (Sparks)
Defensive Player of the Year: Sylvia Fowles (Lynx)
Coach of the Year: Cheryl Reeve (Lynx)
Sixth Woman of the Year: Jantel Lavender (Sparks)
All-Defensive First Team: Alana Beard (Sparks), Sylvia Fowles (Lynx), Nneka Ogwumike (Sparks)

Good Old Sport Prediction: Lynx in six. Wait, we mean Lynx in four. Whatever.

Good Sport
Little Man, Big Honor
Six-time NHL All-Star Martin St. Louis will be the first player ever to have his number (26) retired by the Tampa Bay Lightning. What's more, he entered the league as a 5'8" undrafted free agent, so even you have a shot of getting into the NHL and achieving greatness! (legal disclaimer: you don't have a prayer).

Bad Sport
Pack Your Shit and Get Out
The MLB regular season is over, which means it’s pink slip time for deadbeat managers! Colorado Rockies manager Walt Weiss resigned instead of facing the humiliation of getting canned (you can’t fire me, I quit!), while the Arizona Diamondbacks let coach Chip Hale and GM Dave Stewart go. So who’s next? It’s tough to say for sure, but Mike Scioscia (Angels), Paul Molitor (Twins), and Pete Mackanin (Phillies) may be going as “unemployed” to their Halloween parties this year.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
A Youth Football Wide Receiver. Get a load of the catch this kid made playing for the “Pro Titans.” The 1-3 Tennessee Titans should give him a call.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Buck Showalter. The Baltimore Orioles manager made a biff by deciding not to put in Zach Britton, arguably the best closer in baseball (47 saves and 0.54 ERA), which ultimately resulted in the O’s giving up a three-run blast in the 11th inning to lose their wild card game against the Toronto Blue Jays. Buck must be the kind of guy that holds onto “Wild Draw Four" cards in Uno until it’s too late to use them. “I thought it was a bulletproof strategy!”

Quote of the Week
"If you go back and look at some of the film, some of the holes are so wide open that my little girl could run through there." - Adam "Pacman" Jones

The Cincinnati Bengals cornerback thinks the Cowboys' line is better than their running back, Ezekiel Elliott.

Honorable Mention: “Motherf*cker is quick as shit.” DeMarcus Cousins, the Sacramento Kings' potty-mouthed star, was a little too excited when discussing teammate Ty Lawson’s speed with reporters.

Good Old Caption Winner
"The Hooters girl's pro-modeling career and toss back to the crowd falls just short!" - Jesse Knaack

Kudos to Jesse for pointing out this gal's failed dreams on and off the field. At least there's Instagram modeling, where anyone can be a pretend celebrity! Enjoy your koozies, Knaack. May you catch as many beers with them as possible, as long as they're not thrown to you by blondie here.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
A hell of a lot going on this weekend. Yes, even the WNBA Finals.
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