Vanessa Carlton's Back, Shoey, & Snap of the Weekend.
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Monday, August 1, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • A Thousand Miles. The USA Olympic basketball team will stop at nothing to get a gold medal, even if it means walking 1,000 miles. Watch a clip of Jimmy Butler, Kyrie Irving, and other grown-ass men belt out Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" on their plane ride to Rio.
  • Shoey. After an hour and a half of pouring sweat into his shoe at the German Grand Prix, Australian Formula One driver Daniel Ricciardo celebrated his second place finish (behind first place finisher Lewis Hamilton of the UK) by drinking champagne out of his own rancid shoe. It may be an Australian tradition, known as a "Shoey," but that doesn't make it any less gross.
  • No Shoey. Speaking of Australia, there'll be no "Shoeys" for the Australian women's basketball team, as the U.S. squad beat the Aussies 104-89 yesterday to finish the Pre-Olympic Exhibition Tour undefeated.
  • You Should Be Dead. Skydiver Luke Aikins peed in God's face by jumping from 25,000 feet without a parachute and landing in a 100-by-100-foot net suspended above the ground. The most eloquent way we can describe the jump is "f*cking insane." Check it out.

The Main Event
Major League Baseball's trade deadline is today at 4pm (ET), and there's plenty of big names and top prospects on the move.

The Cleveland Indians must have gotten a whiff of the Cavaliers' celebratory cigars, because the Tribe is making "win now" trade statements. Most notably, Cleveland dealt top prospect Clint Frazier (aka Raggedy Ann) and three other players to acquire New York Yankees relief pitcher Andrew Miller, who, with a 6-1 record and a sparkling 1.39 ERA this year, is one of the best relievers in baseball. Not everyone thinks the Indians have what it takes, however, as Milwaukee Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy (2x All-Star, 2014, 2016) vetoed a trade to Cleveland. The Indians may have the second-best record in the bigs, but playing for them still means you have to live in Cleveland. Elsewhere, the Washington Nationals acquired All-Star closer Mark Melancon from the Pittsburgh Pirates, the San Francisco Giants picked up All-Star infielder Eduardo Núñez from the Minnesota Twins, and pitcher Andrew Cashner was dealt to the Miami Marlins, where he'll have to shave his trademark beard because of the Marlins' 19th-century facial hair policy, courtesy of manager Don "get ride of those sideburns!" Mattingly.

We just feel bad for outfielder Matt Kemp, who went from shit team to shittier team when the San Diego Padres (sixth-worst team in baseball) traded him to the Atlanta Braves (worst team in baseball) for infielder Héctor Olivera. See the full list of transactions here.

Good Sport
American golfer Jimmy Walker won his first ever major title by edging defending champion Jason Day by one stroke to capture the PGA Championship. Among his many great shots, Walker nailed a bunker birdie and a 30-foot putt to put the hand-over-mouth, "oh my god" face on Day. What would namesake actor Jimmie Walker of Good Times fame say of his golf counterpart's big day? DYN-O-MITE!

Honorable Mention: It took all of two minutes and 12 seconds for MMA fighter Tyron Woodley to take down Robbie Lawler and capture the welterweight belt at UFC 201 on Saturday, which was the fastest title-fight stoppage in UFC 170-pound history.

Bad Sport
Rio Hospitality
Give Brazilian thieves points for originality. There were a pair of Olympic athlete robberies over the weekend, one of which saw the Australian team return to their rooms after a fire, started by an arsonist(s), only to find their stuff had been jacked. Impressive, but we prefer the ruse pulled on Chinese athlete Shi Dongpeng, who was intentionally thrown up on by one thief while another made off with his bags and other equipment. Traditional knife-point muggings are so yesterday.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Sure, thieves are a frightening concern, but the scariest Brazilian assailant of all? The wind. Strong winds destroyed the main ramp at the Olympic sailing venue. At least this structural collapse didn't kill anyone (ya, we haven't forgotten about that bike path collapse, Rio).

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
The Washington Nationals. With the help of Little League-level base running from the San Francisco Giants, the Nationals turned their first triple play in franchise history, which was also the first 3-3-5 triple play in MLB history. What the hell does that mean? With the bases loaded, the batter lined out to first, the first baseman stepped on the bag to beat the runner coming back to first, and then threw across the diamond to beat the batter coming back to third.

Honorable Mention: 21-year-old soccer player Julian Green is the bringer of tears for Inter Milan. The Bayern Munich forward scored three goals in just one half in Bayern's 4-1 throttling of Inter in their International Champions Cup match.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Ryan Lochte. Look at this goddamn hairdo Team USA's douchiest swimmer settled on for Rio. It'll never be harder to pull for the U.S. during Olympic swimming events.

Snap of the Weekend
Golden State Warriors star Draymond Green has transitioned from dick kicks to dick pics, having accidentally sent out a photo of his dong on Snapchat's "My Story." Commenting on his crotch shot, Green said, "I’m at the stage right now where all this stuff will help propel me to the next level as a basketball player," so expect to see a flood of Green groin pics as he tries to up his game.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Yankees at Mets - 7pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Club Friendly: Liverpool vs. Roma - 8:30pm on ESPN2
AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR. Oklahoma City Finals - 8pm on NBC
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