Lord of War, Cash Grab, & Sexting Tips From A Pro.
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Friday, July 29, 2016

Friday Fun
  • We'll Have Our Own Olympics. 135 of Russia’s doped-up track and field athletes that were banned from the Rio Olympics will participate in an all-Russian tournament called Zvezdy 2016 (translates to Stars 2016), which will feature the highest concentration of genetically modified life forms in Russia outside of Chernobyl.
  • Shark On Shark. A shark took a literal chunk out of NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp while he was lobstering in Florida this week. It’s a role reversal of sorts, as Sapp usually plays the role of a predator looking to get a taste.
  • Problem Solved. No need to worry, Brazilian health experts found a foolproof solution for all the Olympic athletes who have to compete in Rio’s literal poop water; “keep your mouths closed.” They're also working on a "never leave your hotel room" plan to prevent muggings.
  • Dick-Pic Radio. Former quarterback Brett Favre, who will be inducted into the Hall of Fame on August 6th, will join Sirius XM NFL Radio as a host this season. Here’s hoping the show incorporates a Loveline-style segment so fans can call in for sexting advice.
  • Third Time’s The Charm. After a couple failed attempts (one and two) to extinguish the Olympic Flame, protestors (Brazilian government employees angry over delayed salary payments) finally got it done Wednesday, and the only cost was one injured child during a hail of rubber bullets, rocks, and tear gas. #WorthIt

The Main Event
Strap on your shin guards, because the least important soccer tournament of 2016 is underway!

That's right, in a year filled with Euro 2016, Copa América Centenario, and the upcoming Rio Olympics, businessmen still felt the world needed the International Champions Cup, yet another soccer tournament.

Unlike the three much better tournaments listed above, the ICC doesn't pit national teams against national teams in high-stakes matches. Instead, they have European club teams duke it out against European club teams (with the exception of Melbourne Victory, the only non-European team participating) in a series of friendlies, meaning these games are as worthless as your 4.0 middle school GPA. But never fear, although the games don't matter, this tournament still has champions... with an "s." That's because three divisions make up the ICC: Australia, China, and U.S. & Europe (U.S. & Europe being one division, duh!), and therefore, three 2016 champions. Well... two 2016 champions...

After a match in the jam-packed, three-team China division was cancelled, the ICC decided not to have a China division winner. A move like that shows this sorry excuse for a tournament is just a cash grab; the only problem being the venture firm that founded the tournament isn't supposed to let us know we know they know we know.

Click here for a complete schedule of the games, or don't even bother and click here for a Pokémon Go map instead.

Good Sport
Almost As Good As A Win
Major League Soccer’s All-Stars played against English soccer club Arsenal last night in San Jose (beautiful tourist city!), and dammit if the MLS didn’t play half bad. They only lost 2-1, which isn't too shabby considering Arsenal finished second in the Premier League (England’s top soccer league), and MLS' quality of play has traditionally been thought of as dogshit. It’d be like if Canada put their best football players together and played competitively against the Carolina Panthers. Not bad.

Bad Sport
Judge These Books By Their Cover
When looking at ridiculously huge Olympic weightlifters, it's easy to assume they're on the juice. Should you feel bad for judging a book by the cover? Apparently not, because 11 more weightlifters were just busted by the International Weightlifting Federation for positive doping tests from samples taken at the 2012 London Olympics. The dirty birdies, which include silver and bronze medalists, have all been suspended. This pumps the total number of weightlifters who've retested positive for doping to a hulking 31 for the 2008 and 2012 Olympic Games.

Lord of War
Ex-NBA player Glen Rice Jr. may very well be an international arms dealer. After beating up a former college basketball player in a Kroger parking lot, Rice Jr. fled the scene but was quickly apprehended by police, who found two weapons (including an AK-47), six cell phones, and $2,700 cash on Rice Jr. A third weapon was found in his Porsche. Step aside, Nic Cage, we have a new Lord of War.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Chierika Ukogu. The Nigerian rower is this Olympics' version of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team; unexpected, historic, and awesome. She'll be the first rower in history to represent Nigeria at the Games, and, after the Nigerian Olympic Committee ignored her request to represent the country in Rio, she had to pay her own way to get there. Much like the Jamaican bobsled team in Cool Runnings, she probably had prospective sponsors laugh her out of the room too. We hope she crushes it.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Yuliya Stepanova. The Russian sprinter, and doping whistle-blower (also know as a traitor, according to her countrymen), was rewarded for revealing damning evidence of Russia's state-run doping program by being banned from the Rio Olympics by the International Olympic Committee. Is there a lesson here for the kids? Piss on your morals, keep your mouth shut, and fall in line.

Quote of the Week
"You're sitting in the front row, you're elite. This isn't a 'Make A Wish' situation." - Joey Votto

The Cincinnati Reds infielder became our hero this week when he rejecting a privileged offspring of elitist scum by denying the affluent youth's request for Votto's batting gloves. Can we have your autograph for putting this little Rich Kid of Instagram in his place, Joey? We promise we'll yell the request from the nose bleeds.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Charizard was never the most athletic Pokemon..." - Henry LeVee

We were naive to think Pokémon wouldn’t be brought into this. Enjoy your Good Old Sport shirt, Henry, while you're bumping into light posts playing Pokémon Go.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
You should probably get the hell away from your TV this weekend and enjoy summer, but if you don't, here's what to watch.
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