#NFLEmojis, Drew Brees the Golden Retriever, & 'Merica, Dammit!
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Thursday, September 8, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Not On His Watch. John Tortorella is 'Merican, dammit! The Tampa Bay Lightning head coach vowed to bench any of his players if they pull a Colin Kaepernick; sitting for the national anthem. Ooh Rah!
  • That Makes Two Of Us. Roger Goodell and Tortorella should grab a beer together. The NFL commissioner joined Tortorella in pissing on Kaepernick, saying "I don't necessarily agree with what he is doing... we encourage our players to be respectful in that time (during anthem)."
  • Impeccable Timing. Alpine skier Lindsey Vonn just said she's still in love with Tiger Woods, right as he announced his comeback (slated for the 2016-17 PGA Tour season). Hmm, we ain't sayin' she a gold digger...
  • Let's Get Social. The NFL and Twitter released new emojis for each team, and holy shit are they dumb. Our "favorites" are; #BeRedSeeRed (Cardinals), #OnePride (Lions), and #ForTheShoe (Colts). Good luck figuring out which team owns #SiegeTheDay. Check out your team's social media skid mark here.
  • Old Dog. In a move similar to buying a 12-year-old golden retriever with bad hips, the New Orleans Saints have extended ancient artifact Drew Brees via a one-year, $24.25 million deal, with hopes he can function for one more season without releasing his bowels all over the field in the form of poor quarterback play.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The NFL is back, so let’s act excited for a few weeks before both our fantasy and reality football teams take a dump by early October.

WHAT ELSE?
We last left the NFL watching a surprisingly awful Super Bowl. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning and his wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-man arm led a historically bad offense to a 24-10 win, probably because Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was so scared of getting hit that when he recoiled from his own fumble like the ball was a goddamn spider the moment a defender came near it. No wonder our friends had to shake us awake by game’s end after watching just two combined offensive touchdowns. Exhilarating! At least we had that great post-game spectacle featuring Cam Newton pouting like an 11-year-old that had his Game Boy taken away, which was only outdone by the Broncos owner’s wife, a Dolly Parton look-a-like who was clearly created from the discarded remains of Farrah Abraham’s botched plastic surgery, forgetting the name of her own team during a post-game speech. Ya, Super Bowl 50 was bust.

But alas, we start anew! Or not. The Broncos and Panthers will kick off the 2016 season tonight to carry over the stink from last season. Even so, there are still plenty of reasons to watch. Tom Brady has been suspended for four games, terrible football has returned to Los Angeles, fan fights are at an all-time high, and Cam Newton’s idiot “dab” maneuver has been retired… at least until he scores his first touchdown of the season. Rejoice!

THOUGHTS?
The Patriots lead the league as 6-1 favorites to win Super Bowl 51, followed by the Packers, Seahawks, and Cardinals (all 8-1). Our prediction: Robert Griffin III rediscovers his Pro Bowl form as the Cleveland Browns’ starting quarterback under new coach Hue Jackson, leading the Browns to a 6-3 win over the reborn Bears to give Cleveland a second pro sports championship in less than a year.

Just kidding, could you imagine? Packers 34, Chiefs (ya, you read that right) 27. Throw back to Super Bowl I, baby.

Good Sport
Dinger Dozier
Minnesota Twins infielder Brian Dozier blasted three homers on Monday, and another on Tuesday, bringing his 2016 total to 39, tied for most all-time for an American League second baseman. He's on track to surpass Rogers Hornsby and Davey Johnson, who share the MLB record with 42. What a welcome distraction this is for the Twins, far and away the worst team in baseball (52-88).

Bad Sport
Blame It On The Butterfly
English tennis star Andy Murray was upset by Kei Nishikori of Japan yesterday in the U.S. Open quarter-final. The reigning Wimbledon champion took out his frustrations by purposefully swatting a butterfly with his racket. Thank god anyone who has time to join PETA doesn't have time to watch sports.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: American swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended 10 months for laying the bullshit on thick after his faux Rio robbery.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of a couple Florida State fans who'll enjoy working the concession stands after they graduate in the very stadium they got blind drunk in as students every Saturday. Winner gets a four pack of Good Old Sport koozies!

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

Remember Your Picks
Get your Week 1 NFL picks in for our Good Old Sport Pick 'Em Challenge! Winner gets a pint glass and their name in Tuesday's edition, or tattooed on a GOS staff member. Your choice! Submissions must be entered by 8:20pm ET TODAY.

Our BOLD PREDICTION of the Week: Jets over Bengals.
Our LOCK of the Week: Seahawks over Dolphins.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NFL. Thursday Night Football: Panthers at Broncos - 5:30pm on NBC
HOCKEY. World Cup of Hockey 2016: Exhibition: Team North America vs. Team Europe - 5pm on ESPN2
PARALYMPICS. Rio 2016 Paralympic Games - 11:30am on NBC Sports
GOLF. KLM Open, First-Round Play - 6:30am on Golf Channel; DAP Championship, First-Round Play - 9:30am on Golf Channel
TENNIS. U.S. Open: Women's semifinals - 4pm on ESPN
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