The NFL is back, so let’s act excited for a few weeks before both our fantasy and reality football teams take a dump by early October.
We last left the NFL watching a surprisingly awful Super Bowl. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning and his wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-man
arm led a historically bad offense
to a 24-10 win, probably because Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was so scared of getting hit that when he recoiled from his own fumble like the ball was a goddamn spider
the moment a defender came near it. No wonder our friends had to shake us awake by game’s end after watching just two combined offensive touchdowns. Exhilarating! At least we had that great post-game spectacle featuring Cam Newton pouting like an 11-year-old that had his Game Boy taken away
, which was only outdone by the Broncos owner’s wife, a Dolly Parton look-a-like
who was clearly created from the discarded remains of Farrah Abraham’s botched plastic surgery
, forgetting the name of her own team during a post-game speech
. Ya, Super Bowl 50 was bust.
But alas, we start anew! Or not. The Broncos and Panthers will kick off the 2016 season tonight to carry over the stink from last season. Even so, there are still plenty of reasons to watch. Tom Brady has been suspended for four games, terrible football has returned to Los Angeles, fan fights are at an all-time high
, and Cam Newton’s idiot “dab” maneuver has been retired
… at least until he scores his first touchdown of the season. Rejoice!
The Patriots lead the league as 6-1 favorites to win Super Bowl 51
, followed by the Packers, Seahawks, and Cardinals (all 8-1). Our prediction: Robert Griffin III rediscovers his Pro Bowl form as the Cleveland Browns’ starting quarterback under new coach Hue Jackson, leading the Browns to a 6-3 win over the reborn Bears to give Cleveland a second pro sports championship in less than a year.
Just kidding, could you imagine? Packers 34, Chiefs (ya, you read that right) 27. Throw back to Super Bowl I