Booze-infused vomit still stains the streets of Chicago in the wake of the Cubs' insane championship parade
, but alas, the 2017 season is already upon us!
MLB free agency officially began this morning at 12:01am ET, with
139 free agents hitting the market. This year's crop is widely-viewed as trash
, but you can bet your ass that won't stop teams from throwing an irresponsible amount of money at these rubes. Yoenis Cespedes (pictured), who opted out of his contract with the New York Mets, figures to garner the largest payday, with some expecting Cespedes to sucker some team into giving him a $150 million contract
. Just think of all the ridiculous three-wheeled cars
and custom Lamborghinis
that could buy! Here's a look at the top free agents that figure to cash-in this offseason:
1.) Yoenis Cespedes (New York Mets)
2.) Justin Turner (Los Angeles Dodgers)
3.) Edwin Encarnacion (Toronto Blue Jays)
4.) Dexter Fowler (Chicago Cubs)
5.) Ian Desmond (Texas Rangers)
Check out the full, team-by-team list of free agents here
Let Jason Heyward's ridiculously large contract and piss performance this past season be a lesson to the rest of you big-spending free agency teams.